Back here after 8 years

[bethann]

I'm not sure I can offer you any advicr; I can tell you my story, but it seems like you're living it. In 2003, my H left me and our 5 children, aged 2 - 7. He was having an affair. We did reconcile after 7 months and went to MC. At that time it came out that he had had numerous, ongoing affairs throughout our marriage. MC for us was NOT helpful. For a few years after we R, our marriage was pretty good. He was trying, I was trying... but slowly things started to change. H began drinking heavily, visiting porn sites regularly and staying out at the bars until 4 - 6 am, with no explanations.

Last April, my mother caught him with another woman in my house. Hundreds of text messages between the two of them. I felt like you did - flat, bitter, upset, but not devastated, which is how I felt the first time. I was so angry (he refused to admit to the affair and placed all blame on me) that I asked H to leave. At first he refused, but eventually with all the screaming, yelling and fighting, he moved out. That was in July.

For three weeks my H came around the house, not begging me to let him come back, but hinting that, "it was lonely in his apartment", and "did I really want to do this?". The feelings of anger intensified, like you, I couldn't understand how he still wanted to me married to me, and I didn't think I could ever trust him ever, ever again. I shut him down and after three weeks, he got angry too. He began seeing(sleeping with) numerous women, and did nothing but bad mouth me and try to hurt me by not helping with the kids, or paying his half. Anger and bitterness carried me through the fall and into December.

Here is the part I want you to think about. By mid-December, the anger and humiliation went away and were replaced by the realization that I still love him -- after everything, I really do want him in my life, as my husband, as well as the father of my children. So, now, I have alot to undo. Is it fair?? No. Do I deserve better treatment than that? Yes. Do I deserve someone who will stop cheating and be faithful?? Yes! But here's the problem. He is now finished. He doesn't want to be married to me anymore and so I need to be the one to DB.

This is definitely difficult. My family, including 3 of my 5 children, don't want anything to do with him. My friends would think I was completely crazy if they knew I actually wanted him back and I feel like I'm fighting for something that is completely out of my reach. Anyhow, I just want you to consider all your options before you make a decision that you may have to undo.

Take care of yourself right now - that's the important thing. Decide to do what's right for you and your family. Whatever you decide, the people on these boards are wonderful, with a ton of advice for you. Whatever you're going through, someone else here already has!!