I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Email from L:

"We had another Case Management Conference today. (STBXW's L) had nothing to say. Since you are in no hurry, I didn't have anything to say either. We set another CMC for 3/15/11 at 9:00 a.m.

No legal fees charged today."

That last line is nice.

Yes, golf girl, getting healthy. I did another food eating challenge last week. I ate 3.5 pounds out of a 5-pound plate of food to beat four other people. I'll post a link to the video.

This is the third one I've done and I think I've got one more in me because I still don't feel "right" after this last one. I'm going to the gym at 5 a.m. tomorrow for a one-hour workout called body pump.

I was up to 183 on Monday. That's 10 pounds too much for me.

Good thing. Played basketball last night in my league and I got 20 minutes of playing time and my injured toe feels fine. Progress?

[ClingingToHope]

Down moment yesterday. I have to work another Saturday night on my weekend with the girls. Instead of automatically finding a place for the girls to stay while I worked I texted STBXW to see if she wanted them.

She said no -- has plans.

I felt a bit of pain from that. It's really better when I don't know what she's doing. I'm not sure that'll ever totally go away.

It didn't last long though. I'll see the girls today. D8 is singing with her third grade class at the high school tonight.

Haven't heard from Match_36 since Sunday. I think that's over. I saw Church_31 Saturday night with a couple others from the singles group. I like all of them. It'll be nice when we start meeting again on Thursday.

I've gotten up at 4:30 a.m. to workout with another from the church group four times in the past two weeks. She's engaged and trying to get down 4 sizes.

Finances as always is a concern, but I don't have any big expenses on the horizon until baseball's opening day. Work is crazy, but that's good. It keeps my mind occupied.

[ClingingToHope]

Need advice on how to respond to a text.

I haven't heard anything on the divorce in six months.

Today, I get a text asking if I'm going to start paying the after school sitter $37.50 per week. STBXW has been paying her $75 a week since I moved out.

I am paying her $438 now every two weeks.

In December, in an email exchange about insurance, I reminded her I'd have to start paying half of the after-school sitter AFTER the divorce became final.

Should I respond -- "That's part of the final agreement but the divorce isn't final." ????

I don't want to start paying it until the divorce is final and she pays me the settlement amount because the settlement amount will wipe out a 401(k) loan which [censored] $129 out of my check every two weeks.

[kml]

Is it inaction on her part that is holding up the divorce?

If so, I'd just say: "I'd be happy to, as soon as the divorce is finalized."

[ClingingToHope]

I responded to the text with something like "That would be part of the final settlement, but I haven't seen a final proposal."

In my head I've been playing with all the various ways she may respond and I think I've come up with a good catch-all response.

"Why not just get the divorce finished?"

The text stirred up the old familiar feelings. I'd gotten caught up in the old hopes that since nothing was happening perhaps something was changing. I should know better, but I still can't control my emotions well enough.

I still don't want a divorce. Nearly two years of separation and even a fling and I still feel it can work if we just work at it.

Luckily, I had a basketball game to work at tonight. That took my mind off things. Then I went shopping -- I have the girls this weekend -- for some extra food.

Then at home my mind started to spin again so I downloaded one of my favorite sermons from my church and am listening to it while typing.

I keep feeling stronger and I'm better at just focusing two weeks at a time -- budget reasons -- and know as I get through each one I'm one step on the ladder out of the abyss. Still, when the end comes I'm going to be a mess that day.

I'm a lot better at not letting this stuff affect me around the girls. A lot of it is having my own house -- even if it is a rental. Now, we can be loud and laugh and kick the soccer ball and jump from couch to couch. Wednesday night, I was thinking how free it was to be here.

It was even a little freeing not to have to worry about STBXW and her moods. I'd be playing with the girls and bouncing a ball, or playing hide and seek, or wrestling with them and she'd quietly say I shouldn't be doing that or please be quiet or she's trying to watch a show.

D8 said something that really made me sad yesterday. I forget how the conversation got started, but she said STBXW and I should just stay separated and not get divorced. She said when we're divorced then I'm not dad anymore. I tried to tell her that mom will always be mom and dad will always be dad, but she said we won't be a family anymore.

The conversation didn't bother me much because I was caught up in the "well, nothing is happening so maybe ..." And then the text tonight. D8 and D11 don't want this divorce, perhaps even more than me.

[awest1217]

You responded well and you do sound better. With the girls, does IL have a mandatory counselling for them? I ask because if S was 4 or older he would have to go to counseling for the D to go through. It sounds like they need a 3rd party to help them understand that you are both always their family, but you and STBXW are the only ones not family anymore. .

[ClingingToHope]

There is no mandatory counseling. We used to be taking D8 to counseling because of ADHD and D11 went a couple of times as well ... and it really helped D11. But STBXW stopped taking them because of cost and the school district cut its school psychologists because of budget cuts.

Random things -- then another email from STBXW.

I found out STBXW has not met with her attorney since before October. So it's not him, it's her in terms of not advancing the D.

Saturday went well. I felt guilty as h*ll having to get D8 a babysitter so I could work, but they went and saw some puppies and played on an XBox -- she's never played Xbox before so she was happy Saturday night.

D11 went with me to basketball game. She played with her DS for a while, ate some popcorn then she sat at the scorer's table with me for the varsity game. She had fun and I saw a ton of people I know.

Sunday -- D8 asked me, seriously and not in a mean way, if I like being a cheap skate. I told her that I didn't, but we have to live like this now that mommy and daddy aren't together. She said "you're broke, too?" I said yes, I don't know why mommy wants to live like this, but we just have to make the best of it. That morphed into the "Mommy says you're not the right one for her."

Tough one. I asked her how she knows Jesus is real. In a round about way she said "faith." I told her I have faith that I am the right one for STBXW even if STBXW says she doesn't feel that way. I'll always believe that.

Took girls to health club Sunday. D11 wants to see if they have any kids fitness classes. She's talking about not being "the pretty one" at school. Lord, the teen years are going to be trying.

Sunday night it turned out D11 couldn't access an Ebook on my computer. It just doesn't have enough juice. So I sent STBXW a text about the issue. She came over and took D11 back to her house to do it. I said D11 could stay there, but she brought D11 back because she had to go to work early Monday morning. STBXW made a little chit chat about more of her family drama and I listened. Not with a smile, but I listened. They aren't my problem anymore.

Monday night after our company basketball game I get an email. STBXW read about changes to the middle school program. Our school district wants to drop an elective -- because many electives are less than half capacity -- and replace it with a reading class -- because 40 percent of the district's middle schoolers didn't meet state standards.

Perfectly understandable. Our district, like school districts across the country, is drowning in red ink. This saves money and attacks a district wide problem.

STBXW doesn't like it. So she asks, is now the time to switch districts?

My first thought was she wants to switch the girls to the district she graduated from, which is 20 minutes north of here.

That district in the past 20 years has become the ritzy part of the area. The house I rent for $700 here would go for $900 there. So if she made that switch I couldn't move up there and I wouldn't be able to see them every day after school.

Second thought is the girls would go from being middle class even after the divorce to being the poor kids. It's truly the Pretty In Pink high school now where kids are defined by their phones and their cars.

But then I told myself to calm down. She still has to sell the house. We owe $15,000 more than it was worth last year and this year prices likely will drop another 5 to 10 percent. I can't imagine her being able to sell it for what we owe for three to four years and D11 will be in high school by then. So really there's nothing to talk about right now.

So I responded.

"All school districts are making cuts. Besides, how could we switch her? We both live in xxxxx district."

Still, all this morning I'm stressing over it -- thinking of scenarios ... Is she thinking of letting house go to foreclosure? Is she thinking of moving in with mystery guy who is just a friend but seems to keep popping up?

I went to workout at 5 a.m. to shake it out of my system and still it isn't quite working.

Tonight, the church support group is meeting again. I didn't sign up for the session because I had to work most Tuesdays in January, but that's over now. I may show up and pay the $10 to get back in. It's good to be around people going through the same thing.

[oldtimer]

CTH,

I know this is hard, but you must resist the urge to involve the kids in your R with W.

"Sunday -- D8 asked me, seriously and not in a mean way, if I like being a cheap skate. I told her that I didn't, but we have to live like this now that mommy and daddy aren't together. She said "you're broke, too?" I said yes, I don't know why mommy wants to live like this, but we just have to make the best of it. That morphed into the "Mommy says you're not the right one for her."

Tough one. I asked her how she knows Jesus is real. In a round about way she said "faith." I told her I have faith that I am the right one for STBXW even if STBXW says she doesn't feel that way. I'll always believe that.""

The conversation above involves putting an 8-year-old girl smack dab in the middle of a troubled marital R.

Instead:

D8: Do you like being a cheapskate?

You: I like being careful with my money so that we have it for both fun and important things, and right now I need to be especially careful to keep our important things covered. I bet both of us look forward to when the budget isn't so tight.

or

You: I don't think I am a cheapskate. A cheapskate is sort of someone with plenty of money for something who is so tight with their money that they cause needless misery. Right now we just don't have the money to pay for very many things. We are fine, but we need to be careful to keep the important things covered.

Whatever -- but keep it on you, narrowly, and what it means for her life with you. Don't steer it toward W, and if D8 tries to, draw a clear boundary -- don't go there.

[awest1217]

Ditto with the above. You have to find a way to answer the girls without always bad mouthing STBXW by blaming her.

[kml]

I agree with OT.

Plus -
"Still, all this morning I'm stressing over it -- thinking of scenarios ... Is she thinking of letting house go to foreclosure? Is she thinking of moving in with mystery guy who is just a friend but seems to keep popping up?"

Don't borrow trouble! No need to worry about maybe-might-could stuff. You have enough on your plate that is REAL to worry about - time enough to worry about potential stuff when and if it ever happens. Most such worrying turns out to be unnecessary anyway, yet saps your life.