Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

Augtan if you're recognizing that the contact with him is not helping but hurting, you have to begin to make that stop. I mean right, you can't control whether he contacts you or not, but you can control whether you reply. Way back in the beginning I was out of contact with H for a week or more when I knew he went on a vacation. It was the toughest thing I ever did to just let him get on a plane and not say "nice trip" or make sure he got there ok. I just called someone else or emailed every time I had the urge and that person "talked me down." Since then it is easier for me to not contact by far. It doesn't mean I don't get hung up on it when he contacts me now (see above) but my instinct is very strong to limit or cut off entirely contact because I know how bad a place it puts me in.

cat04 is completely right, it was my teary reaction to just that one contact from him and the ensuing sleep problems and upsetting dreams that make me realize that contact isn't good for me. I know he is trying to be the good guy. He said "I know I was a terrible husband but I won't be a deadbeat (cat) dad." But if I stay connected with him over the cats, I'm going to get sucked back in. He'll eventually want to see them/come to the house. I don't know if I want to put myself through that anymore. Every time I see him we get along fine. Then I cry for days. Then I have to fight the backslide for days. It feels to me like self-punishment if I see him, where for him, I think he feels like good interaction means I don't hate him and I accept what he did to me.

I do accept that the situation is out of my hands. But I can't give him "a pass." He is looking to me to make his guilt go away. I can't do it. Not because I'm mean, because that's not for me to do. I can't make this alright for him because it is NOT alright, what he did/continues to do. He broke his vows to me and his promise to me. There is no fixing that at least while he's in lala land.

The last thing he said to me on the final letter was "I'll never say a negative thing about you to anyone." He has also insisted that he never has. So like you say, cat04, he is like your H in that he also doesn't want people to think he is a bad person. But people are going to think what they think, and I don't know anyone but him who sides with an adulterer.