You are “I know, I knowing” your way through all of this. Go read PEI’s thread if you want to see another who did that. Boy she was stubborn and cerebral…
Yup. Was she ever. And defensive and explanitory and "misunderstood" too! LOL ...
S_C,
Honestly, I can't say anything to you that hasn't already been said, at least twice.
You are hurt and sad and broken and angry.
But your H didn't do that to you. You did. That's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. It was my truth. I believed what he said about me because I had no self esteem, no identity, no sense of worth and no defined core prior to this crisis. But I thought I did. I was tough. I could handle anything. Manage anything. There is so much you say that I identify with. I'm not kidding. I also see the condesending tone Cat talks about with your responses and I too, like B-lady, wonder what you are here for???
My H felt completely emasculated. What came through to me, once I was ready to truly understand, is that his choice to not ever use his voice (completely confrontation avoidant - seriously, you should read my threads, some major parallels) means that he feels like he emasculated himself ... he can't deal with that, that would mean turning inward and he is no where near ready to deal with that. So he blames me. For all of it. Even now, he finds ways to make the parts of his life he doesn't like ... my fault. Now, it amuses me. I see it for what it is. And I hope for his sake that someday he does the work to dig out.
Trust me, finding someone else could feel like the answer in the short term. I tried it (you'll read about that in my thread too). But what I found after the fact was that there were parts of my journey I couldn't complete during that time. The two biggest being my fear of being alone and my need for external validation. Hard to fight a fear of being alone ... if you're not ... alone. The statistics on second marriages aren't good as it is, IF that's the road you end up walking, IF you find yourself, complete your journey and make a choice from a compassionate, healthy place to move on ... wouldn't you want the best shot you've got? Because that means you need to do the work first.
Re-read your thread S_C, you haven't been here long enough to know you've drawn the attention of some of our most experienced posters and some of the most amazing people I have come to know.
Stop. Take a breath. Step back and read your thread with clean eyes and an open mind.
And quit "I know, I knowing", you can't listen when this is what's going through your mind. I know.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
