H has been out of town for a couple of weeks for work. I am starting to feel like myself again after being so absorbed by unhappiness and the stress of not getting along. Before H left he asked me to work on myself while he is gone. I got the impression that he was really asking me to work on being ok with sex. I responded that I honestly feel that I am ok with myself (although there is definitely room for improvement), but I am really not ok with him - the way he treats me, the way he touches me and his attitudes about sex. The same old standoff, he is waiting for me to "come around" and I insist that he needs to change too...and he believes that he has tried to change, but it is not in a way that has brought the desired changes in the relationship, etc. etc. While I didn't say it to him, I actually am willing and engaging in an effort to change. Unfortunately changing oneself usually has to be on one's own terms rather than on the way the partner thinks it should be done. I am reading Passionate Marriage and I am anxious to read it all to see the insights it offers because I am hopeful, but so far it is a slow read for me, hard to digest. I also find myself feeling nervous because the book talks about really opening myself up to my partner, but I am no longer comfortable being vulnerable around him (he is aggressive, I am timid; he is demanding, I resentfully give in; he is unappreciative because he beleives "that's the way it should be", etc.). Hopefully the book will also help with that as I progress through the chapters. In the meantime, I would also like to talk with H about the need for both of us to change but don't know how to approach it in a way that leads to productive discussion rather than the same old arguments.
