TAMF's Christmas Miracle?

[TAMF]

Well, I have popped out of my cave to just see who else has posted to me. Thank you - all of you for sharing your thoughts.

When Punkin listed the things she likes about herself, I am drawn back to an email that I sent a friend who wanted to know - What do I really want to do for me? This was my response:

This is always an interesting question, because for 20 years I have been so very comfortable and satisfied with my life that I was always focusing ON ME. I lead a life that I basically did whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it. I married my soul mate, I had 2 children just like I wanted, I focused on my career (too much), I always made wonderful friends at all different stages of my life and always made time to be with them and there for them. I look back on my life and sadly all I DID was FOCUS ON MYSELF AND WHAT MADE ME HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME.

Now in reflection, I believe that I didn’t focus on the people most important in my life (my children and my husband). I have always come first. Don’t get me wrong! I am a loving, caring person and I always have been, but in retrospect never at the expense of what I wanted or what I felt was best for others in my life – I always had to be in control.

So when you ask me WHAT DO I WANT FOR ME – I am going to answer this question differently.

I want to be a great mom who enjoys all of the little pleasures of my children every day.

I want to be a great wife who is considerate, forgiving, non-controlling and SHUTS UP AND LISTENS

I want to focus on people in my life that bring me pleasure and try to bring pleasure to them

I want to read more

I want to continue hiking and exercising

I want to volunteer more in my community

***** I wrote this and thought that I had discovered this amazing insight about myself...but then I read my friends response and learned even more***************************

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So my friends response was this:You sound a lot like myself. The reality is that our self centeredness played a role (it was not the only reason) in the demise of our marriages. I say this NOT so that you can beat yourself up over it – NO – I say it so that you can recognize it, learn from it and begin the long (and I mean long), painful process of changing things about yourself that you do not like.

If you are anything like me that you will struggle with “selfishness”. You will struggle when you want to do something for YOU because you will want to overcompensate for your past mistakes. Don’t.

everything in life is about balance. You must find this balance while at the same time NOT losing yourself and becoming a martyr.

Your answers tell me that you are where I was….still harboring guilt and now focused on overcompensating. Now you can tell me to go pound sand but I bet in about a month of two you will realize that I am right. Balance TAMF….balance. YOU are allowed and believe it or NOT must have some personal goals.

TAMF, I will tell you what someone once told me….and FTR, I stand by it and now agree 100%. Here goes….

I really do not give a rats ass about saving your marriage. My hope….is to help you save Yourself because once you DO….once you finally get comfy with TAMF the new TAMF….well then sweetie, you will be able to really sit back and decide…..do I stand or not? Cause you will know a few things….

1) You will know what you really need for your happiness – not based on what someone else tells you – no what you really need
2) You will come to realize that no one human being is responsible for your happiness. That is not to say that you want to be alone – no it is to say that you will really know what you want in your next R and you will get to a place where you do not settle
3) Once comfy with you…..you can really start to heal