Not entirely sure what I hope to gain at this point, as I'm generally doing well and DBing, except for maybe some support and occasional insight. Here's a background of my sitch with WAS who also had EA last year. I'll try to keep it semi-short:
My background: Grew up with verbally and emotionally abusive F and cold, distant M. Generally very small, weak and quite intelligent growing up. Between the two, I was a mess. Depressed and suicidal from the age of 6 on, never got help for it until adulthood. Married young (20) and generally happy through my 20s, no depression, life was good. After two sons, 1st W focused almost entirely on them and I started feeling abandoned like I did as a child. Depression came back, but this time I got it treated. I became the WAS and D at 32 (2001).
W background: Adopted and grew up in Colorado, birth M in Michigan. Good religious middle-class upbringing from what I understand. Got pregnant at 17, finished high school and college while raising D alone (briefly M to 1st H, who was a jerk). Found her birth mother and moved here to Michigan. Had several long term boyfriends along the way, nothing more than a few years (when I first met her, one of the things she told me was that she was awful at relationships...should have run at that point)
Us background: Met at work around 2003, started dating summer 2004. Her D lived with her and my 2 S live 10 minutes away with their M. I moved into her house 2005, married Oct 2006, and things were generally good...until summer 2007. SD was at her Dad's in CO when W got a call. SD's dad had been molesting her on her summer visits. We got her out of there and started legal proceedings. Tough junior year for SD, she tried to kill herself that fall and had been admitted to psych hospital twice. Affected W and I really hard. Brought back painful memories for me, depression came back and I didn't really have it treated this time. Fortunately, SD came through everything pretty well with a lot of help.
I had been in a low level depression since then and emotionally shut off from everyone, including W. She continued to worry about SD, especially after her first semester of college in CO (Fall 2009). By spring 2010, I sensed something wrong, but didn't really know what and was too emotionally blunted to do anything about it. That's when W started EA with a close friend of ours. In July, she wanted to separate and I reluctantly agreed. She moved out July 17 but we still did things together. The next weekend, we were out with friends (including OM), a lot of drinking was involved (though not too much by me), we got into the biggest fight ever for us, and I tried to kill myself that night. OM was actually the person who called the ambulance for me. W later told me that she wasn't sure (due to all the alcohol) but she thought she slept with OM that night out of pure rage at me.
From August-December 2010, we alternated staying with my MIL and FIL (who I consider closer to as parent than my own were) about 1/2 mile from our house. I started DBing, got therapy and things were slowly getting better. In December, she went to adoptive parents house for xmas and I stayed in our home to watch our animals. After xmas, but before she got back on NYE, I told her that I wanted to stay in the house. She flipped out and started talking about divorce. I remained calm, validated her feelings but told her I didn't want D and also felt strongly about the house.
Since then, she has been friendly, but we've definitely slipped backwards. She doesn't like my boys at all (they can be difficult) and resents having me as her roommate. We went to Retrouvaille last weekend. It was very emotionally challenging to say the least. We had to leave early because W couldn't take it any more. From this, I found that W has essentially put up a brick wall around herself, both to keep others out and to keep herself in. She knows that her family, friends, etc don't approve of what she's doing, but doesn't care. At one point she blurted out to me that she didn't want to trust, didn't want to forgive, didn't want God in her life. She also told me that despite going out with our single friends to have fun and enjoy life (including OM), she feels empty doing so. IOW, she is very messed up and confused inside, though on one positive note, I'm pretty sure W doesn't see OM as anything other than 'friend' now.
As for myself, I'm actually doing pretty well. GAL and all. I've taken up walking/running (lost 15-20 pounds and look great!), new wardrobe, stopped snooping, PMA, etc. I know that if things don't work out, I'll be fine. We are going to talk tomorrow, and if it goes like I think, she's going to bring up D again and/or getting an apartment. At this point, I almost *want* to move out. Spent the morning looking online for places and think I found a couple. It wouldn't strain my budget much, but if I leave then W will have a few hundred more a month to come up with for living expenses.
I guess if I do move out, then I'm a little confused as to what path I should take. We haven't decided if we're going to the Retrouvaille post sessions yet, but if we do, that is about 180 from the LRT. Retrouvaille teaches daily dialogue techniques where you open up your feelings to the other, but how does one reconcile with minimizing contact, etc with the LRT. Thoughts?
OK, that was longer than I thought (but shorter than I was thinking)
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
