What I KNOW after being HERE for 3 years.......

[handlingplanb]

My H was way more reasonable and easy to deal with right after he left. He still acted as if he cared about me - hard to imagine----at the time it was happening I had no idea it could be worse, and I didn't recognize it then. I have no doubt my response pushed him away.

I had no idea that I would not be able to restore my marriage. My H now chooses to only communicate with D17 about things that have to do with our other 2 kids. I am out of the loop almost exclusively, until I demand to be let in - and then I'm sure I probably come off as a total B - but it gets to the point of being ridiculous. Part of the problem is that now that he lives 25 minutes away from our marrital home he doesn't want to ever have to go there (and he has totally detached from any responsibility for it). It is up to D17 to transport them all back and forth - and last night he expected her to take her brother and a friend to ball practice. When she's at college next year things will have to chage. I don't know. I've done my best to handle all of this the best I could. With the exception of talking to 2 people I shouldn't, I let his A remain a secret. The A that I confronted him about that he denied for a year an a half. The A that when after that year and a half I had proof and confronted him about again he remained silent. He has only in a passing e-mail acknowledged that she existed. I have not treated him like an adulterer. I have remained kind, helpful and understanding - because I know this hasn't been easy for him. I have done my best to make everything that has to do with the kids easy for them - but then it also has made it easier for him. I know that especially in the beginning he was in pain. I don't know if he still sees OW. He kept it such a secret even after we separated, that I have no idea. At this point, it wouldn't make a difference - just added pain if I knew it was still happening.

The first year I was a basket case. I spent a lot of time in bed. I then got a job and began facing life on my own and trying to accept that I will have a future without my H. In the beginning I didn't think I could survive without him - I NEEDED him. Now I know that's not the case. I have acknowledged my faults, I'm in a better place emotionally than I was - BUT I still have that hole.

Somedays I feel that my DB backfired. I went dark and NC when I thought I should. He responded with the same, and then some. I know, I know, darkness and NC was for me - to help me detach and heal---but I really felt it would also bring him back to me. After all, isn't this why we all came here? Three years on, and I know I'm "healing," but I'm not healed. The hole in my heart is still gaping. The pain is still there, and after another dream about him last night if I can't have him back I just want him out of my head.

Our 25th anniversary is around the corner - in May. He moved out 2 1/2 years ago. This will be the 3rd that will not be acknowledged.

He seems to have completely detached. He has his own home now. What once seemed like someone who still cared about me and my well being is gone. He doesn't seem happy to me most times - but that's probaby just around me and could be what I hope to see....still hoping that he misses what we had and wants back. It's not healthy thinking this, and I know. I'm going through a rough, emotional time and just need to vent.