What I KNOW after being HERE for 3 years.......

[AntoniaB]

I'm reading all these posts about how these people seem to stay in crisis/depression for so long (if not indefinitely) and I guess this is where it SEEMS like my H differs. From what I understand, he's not exhibiting signs of depression. He's also not mean to me at all. When I see him, he doesn't look bad. His health is good as far as I know (and since I still have access to his online medical provider as I am also granted benefits from said provider) I know that he has not had a doctor visit in over a year. Sure he feels guilty and shows it in the rare instances he is around me, but he comes off as happy and well-adjusted. I've not heard one negative thing about him from the few mutual friends who remain that would suggest he is in a "bad place."

I feel like with my H either one of two things has happened: either he truly is, 100%, only now with the person he is "meant" to be with, the OW, and therefore is doing well in that new life, or, he is SO incredibly good at hiding his true depression and pain from even himself that the shift of being with her rather than me has allowed him space to go back into that hiding. As in, he hid his issues for our whole marriage quite well--by his admission, he was "the greatest actor who ever lived" and he was dealing with painful stuff for the whole marriage, much of which didn't even relate to me. And by the time he left, he had cracked, and I knew when he was hiding things, and I called him on it every time, and when I found the ultimate hidden thing--the interest in OW, he bailed on the marriage.

Now he has a whole new person to hide things from. She doesn't know him to the level I do, it will take him years to get her to that level, so now he's just got someone else to play the "perfect boyfriend" role for.

I guess I'd like to think that this is what's going on only because it still hurts me to think someone else is supposed to be with him instead of me, his wife. But of course, what it suggests is that he is REALLY a wreck.

Considering the number of times that he says things that are projections (accusing me of things that really are his own problems, for instance) I wonder if it's more likely that the second scenario is true. The one thing he has told me more times than I can count about "why she is good for him" is that he said "I've been up front with her about my issues from day one when it took me years to open up to you." But you know, people can spin their issues in a ton of ways. Just because he told her of living in an abusive home and she accepted that, has he REALLY told her of his "current" issues, the fact that he has no direction in life, huge insecurities, no goals or obvious identity? See I feel like he really is reining in a lot because that's what he does best.

I guess it's just hard to understand why my H fits so much of the MLC pattern but isn't rude or mean to me now and in fact jumps at any chance of contact with me (which he no longer is getting).

[beatrice]

Antonia, your h dropped the bomb less than two years ago, and the mask is in place, and he is on the MLC Replay high. He seems to be one of the 'drop ins' [A former poster characterised MLCers as Drop-ins, who stay relatively friendly and in contact, drop outs, who run and rage, and droplets, who are mostly away but periodically come back to see what is going on. ] Drop-ins seem to be rarer, but there have been a number of them here over the years. Holly06's h was nice to her, and after 5/6 years and a divorce they are re-building. They need to feel good about themselves, and are often quite compliant personalities. The drop outs seem to be the cross grained personalities who fight the crisis hard and long or at least, that is how it appears to me

MLCers are adroit at wearing masks, and at keeping them in place And yet, you have posted several instances of the mask slippig, and your h showing signs of tears and regret. I also had the MLC script about being the greatest actor who ever lived, and the flat denial of depression. It is covert depression, and can mask very deep seated anger.

I do not doubt your h hid his issues - from you and from himself. Now they are out and raging around he thinks he saw them the whole time. He still thinks, in part he is a hero for staying as long as he did. Remember it is all about them.
It is like line 'But that is enough about me - what do you think about me!'

[handlingplanb]

My H was way more reasonable and easy to deal with right after he left. He still acted as if he cared about me - hard to imagine----at the time it was happening I had no idea it could be worse, and I didn't recognize it then. I have no doubt my response pushed him away.

I had no idea that I would not be able to restore my marriage. My H now chooses to only communicate with D17 about things that have to do with our other 2 kids. I am out of the loop almost exclusively, until I demand to be let in - and then I'm sure I probably come off as a total B - but it gets to the point of being ridiculous. Part of the problem is that now that he lives 25 minutes away from our marrital home he doesn't want to ever have to go there (and he has totally detached from any responsibility for it). It is up to D17 to transport them all back and forth - and last night he expected her to take her brother and a friend to ball practice. When she's at college next year things will have to chage. I don't know. I've done my best to handle all of this the best I could. With the exception of talking to 2 people I shouldn't, I let his A remain a secret. The A that I confronted him about that he denied for a year an a half. The A that when after that year and a half I had proof and confronted him about again he remained silent. He has only in a passing e-mail acknowledged that she existed. I have not treated him like an adulterer. I have remained kind, helpful and understanding - because I know this hasn't been easy for him. I have done my best to make everything that has to do with the kids easy for them - but then it also has made it easier for him. I know that especially in the beginning he was in pain. I don't know if he still sees OW. He kept it such a secret even after we separated, that I have no idea. At this point, it wouldn't make a difference - just added pain if I knew it was still happening.

The first year I was a basket case. I spent a lot of time in bed. I then got a job and began facing life on my own and trying to accept that I will have a future without my H. In the beginning I didn't think I could survive without him - I NEEDED him. Now I know that's not the case. I have acknowledged my faults, I'm in a better place emotionally than I was - BUT I still have that hole.

Somedays I feel that my DB backfired. I went dark and NC when I thought I should. He responded with the same, and then some. I know, I know, darkness and NC was for me - to help me detach and heal---but I really felt it would also bring him back to me. After all, isn't this why we all came here? Three years on, and I know I'm "healing," but I'm not healed. The hole in my heart is still gaping. The pain is still there, and after another dream about him last night if I can't have him back I just want him out of my head.

Our 25th anniversary is around the corner - in May. He moved out 2 1/2 years ago. This will be the 3rd that will not be acknowledged.

He seems to have completely detached. He has his own home now. What once seemed like someone who still cared about me and my well being is gone. He doesn't seem happy to me most times - but that's probaby just around me and could be what I hope to see....still hoping that he misses what we had and wants back. It's not healthy thinking this, and I know. I'm going through a rough, emotional time and just need to vent.