When you are in conflict and feel all these things, what would be the most terrifying thing that could happen?
That's the thing, I don't really know... sometimes I wonder if he's going to hit me, or yell at me, or tell me he hates me and I disgust him because I'm so weak. The look on his face certainly seems like that's a possibility but we've been together for over 18 years. He's never laid a hand on me or ever called me a bad name so I know in my head it's not a likelihood.
I know when I was a little one, our dad used to spank us with a belt from time to time, and if he just used his hand he'd come after us in a rage - but it wasn't an everyday or regular enough pattern that (as I understand it) characterizes true physical abuse. Surely all this couldn't be a reaction to that?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
