There's also another really important distinction to make in this discussion. None of us are ALONE. We all have families and friends and colleagues and on-line buddies and mates. We are not alone when we don't have a partner - we are SINGLE.
There's a big difference in perception between the two words.
I've been single for nearly 5 years now since my X and I separated. I went through a period, about 12 months post separation where I dated and slept with what my sister and best friend refer to as my “summer of unsuitable men". I could have written the posts TAMF is writing now – and I think I did. I’m an extrovert and I “needed” company or I’d shrivel up and die.
Thing was, I was so sad and broken after my marriage broke down that I attracted men who were just as broken and sad as I was. I thought I was doing the work – and I WAS doing the work – it’s just that it’s hard, long, exhausting work to transform yourself. It takes longer than one heartbroken year.
Cut yourself some slack TAMF, but don’t slacken off on remembering that you control how you react to everything that happens in your life. It may be satisfying to be sassy or cheeky by text to your H – but it’s not productive or helpful to your goals. Ya know.
Now, when I date, I do so from a position of strength. I look for the clues toxic and immature men emit, I’m careful about what I believe and I never listen to what men say, but watch closely how they act. You’d be surprised how different the two often are! The most interesting thing I’ve discovered, is that if I dated my xhusband now – I don’t think we’d make it to a second date – he just wouldn’t cut it.
We see people as we want to see them, and we often have a rose colored view of our spouse – I call it the Marge Simpson effect – you know how she just LOVES Homer, regardless of how dysfunctional, irresponsible, inappropriate he is – she loves him, she doesn’t see those things about him. I think there’s a bit of Marge in all of us.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
