I WILL Attain my Goals - Personal and M

[Denver_2010]

Reposting...

Update/Journal

Afternoon of 1/22/11

Met W and SS at restaurant close to where SS takes drum lessons.

W and SS get out of her car and walked over to me. SS gives me a big bear hug. W began to talk to me about a problem SS is having with a gift that I got him for xmas. We talked about that a little.

W then noticed that I had ice and snow on my car. She asked me how I got ice and snow on my car when I park in our garage every night. I guess she's become a detective over the past couple of months!! I told her that I spent Friday night sleeping on the couch in my office. W knew that I had gone to a concert on Friday night. W then asked me why I needed to sleep at my office. I explained to her that I had been drinking, that the concert was close to my office and I didn't want to drive or cab it the 25 miles to our home.

W asked me who I went to concert with. I told her that I went with 'friends'. She asked which friends and I told her people that she doesn't know. She immediately got flustered and looked like she was going to throw up. It was clear that she immediately thought that I had slept at my office with another woman. She turned around and began walking to her car. As she was walking away, I said "what's the matter?" She said "nothing.. have good time" and got into her car.

SS and I went into the restaurant and he began to play some video games. A few minutes later, W called my cell phone. She wanted to 'remind' me not to talk to SS about our sitch or try to get info out of him re her life. That she doesn't want him to be in that position. She was very irritated as she was talking to me. Clearly upset about the convo about me going to concert with people that she doesn't know and spending the night at my office.

I told her that of course I wasn't going to bring SS in the middle of our sitch. This was something that we had discussed a couple of weeks ago. I then told her, very nicely, "listen W, not that it matters that much, but I want you to know that I went to the concert with a friend named [name] and that I met him through [name] (who she knows) and some of his friends." W responds "well your just so secretive and vague about what you are doing and who your doing it with these days. I think that you should be honest if you are dating or moving on. We should both be honest." Her tone was much more friendly when saying this.

I responded "I'm sorry W, I don't mean to be. But I don't even know where you live, I mean..." and then I stopped. I didn't want to get drawn into argument. I then told her, "I told you how I am behaving during this separation a couple of days before xmas and that hasn't changed." I was referring to telling my W on 12/22 that I am behaving like a married man bc I still am M.

She said ok. She told me to have a good time at the hockey game and I told her that I hoped that she would feel better (she had mentioned not feeling well all weekend). We ended the conversation.

Ate dinner with SS and then went to hockey game. Had a great time. During dinner, I had asked SS if he wanted to go to church with me the following morning. He said that he did and asked me if he could spend the night with me. I told him he could as long it was ok with his mom/W.

Driving back to my house he called W and asked her if he could spend the night. She told him 'no' that she wanted to pick him up. SS and I get back to my house and start watching a movie. I called W to let her know that we were at the house. W said she would come get SS in 30 minutes.

I fixed myself a drink while I waited and watched movie with SS. W rings the doorbell and I let her in. We chatted about the hockey game in the entrance of the house. W then asked me if I had run across some cutting board of her's that apparently wasn't packed with all of her stuff when she moved. Somehow, we ended up in the kitchen while I looked for the cutting board. Just chit chat. I offered her a drink, but she declined. She told me that she had a headache all night and that she was going to go home and go to bed. I noticed very clearly that W would NOT look me in the eye as we were talking back and forth. Strange.

I walked W and SS out to her car and they got in. I went back into the house expecting them to drive away. They sat in driveway for a few minutes, so I went back out to see what they were doing. SS was trying to convince W to let him stay the night. As he was doing this, I told him that it was ok, that he needed to listen to W and the decision that she had made. W asked me what I thought and I told her that it didn't matter to me, that of course SS could stay. W said "I just don't want him to get his hopes up." SS piped in, "mom, I know. You guys getting back together is a decision that the two of you need to make based on how you guys feel" or something like that. Pretty funny for an 11 year old to say. W and and I shared a short giggle at SS. W ended up letting SS stay the night. She drove away.

W called me a few minutes later. W said, "I don't know what the right answer was there" referring to SS asking to stay the night. I responded that "neither do I W, but it'll be fine. We're just going to watch a movie." W again mentioned something about her headache and going to bed when she got home. I joked with her that she should have taken me up on my offer of a drink... that it would have taken care of her headache. A little more chit chat and then ended convo.

I watched a movie with SS and he fell asleep with his head on my lap.

1/23/11

SS and I went to church and met W's FIL. SS called W to see if he could continue hanging out with me bc he didn't want to go with W to SIL's house for the day. SS and I went to get some dog food. I called W to see what she wanted to do as far as SS staying with me. She was very pleasant and said that it was fine if he wanted to hang out. That she was going to go rent a movie for she and her sis to watch and that she would come by and drop off the movie that she had watched the night before for SS and I to watch.

SS and I hung out at a coffee shop and watched some movie trailers on my computer. W called when she was ready to come by the house with the movie. We met her. She didn't get out of the car. She was late to meet her sis. As I was talking to her, her cell phone rang and I'm pretty sure I saw OM's name on the display. W silenced the ringer and then said to SS "I got to go, auntie is wondering where I am." I didn't say anything about seeing OM's name on display.

SS and I watched the movie and I then called W to see if she wanted me to bring him to her sister's. She asked if that was ok with me and I said that it was fine.

Drove SS to SIL's house. I walked him to the door and was let in by W. My niece who is 3 came downstairs to see me and immediately wanted me to go see the toy kitchen that santa had gotten her for xmas. I played with niece for a few minutes while I also chatted with SIL. W kind of just stood there not saying much. I said something to W about niece's kitchen set and she responded by saying something about niece always wanting her to play with it too. AGAIN, W was not able to look me in the eye as she was talking with me. It was clear that she simply was having problems doing it. Again, Weird. But she was also very nice.

With W standing there, SIL commented about my loss of weight in a complimentary manner but W didn't say anything. I said my goodbyes, hugged SS and niece, left and got into my car. Drove away with SS and niece waving to me out the window by the front door.

I totally broke down and cried ALL the way home. The 24 hours that all of this occurred was emotionally exhausting and reminded me why I want so badly to save M. I want my family back. I'm holding back tears even as I write this.

About 4 hours later, W texted me: "Thank you for spending time with SS this weekend. It meant a lot to him. He's always wanted more attention from you. I hope you enjoyed yourself as well."

I responded an hour later: "I had a blast... honestly. Goodnight."

She didn't respond.

So that's my update. Clearly, this process is going to test my resolve, patience, and resiliency to emotional pain.