I have done everything wrong....

[Denver_2010]

Islander - I just posted 37 rules that will get you on the right track. Here are some more thoughts that I have in regards to your sitch.

1) You need to detach. Plenty to read on the subject here. Detaching is for you and your emotional well being. It does not mean that you give up, just that you don't get caught up in worrying about what your W is doing all of the time. It is extremely difficult to do. I continue to struggle with detachment each and every day.

2) Consider going dark for a few weeks. This is not the same as detachment. 2 separate things Going dark means that you do NOT have any contact with W. If she contacts you, reply nicely with short and to the point responses. The hope that she will begin to wonder what is up with Islander and begin to miss you. It will also give you a chance to get yourself together.

3) GAL - This will help your emotional well being and self confidence. It will also help pass the time. As hard as it may seem right now, go have some fun.

4) 180's - Look at yourself when you first met W. What caused her to fall in love with you? I'm not talking about being affectionate to W, I'm talking about who you are as a person. Are you that same person? If not, do the 180s to get yourself back. It MAY help M, but it WILL help you!!

5) Continue being a good dad to daughter. But ALSO, continue being a good step dad to step D. Think of way to do this and also stay dark with W for the time being. Does your step D have a cell phone?

6) NEVER act or say anything without taking the time to think about it first. The question that you should ask yourself is "will this act/statement a) draw W closer to me, b) push her further away, or 3) be neutral". Avoid those that fall under answer b, don't spend much time on c, and do things that fall under a. Pretty obvious.

Listen, what your W is doing and saying to you is very common. I had no idea until I found this board! Keep hope, but remember to distinguish that from having expectations. You will suffer set backs if you attach expectations to your actions.

Sitch probably isn't going to get much better until OM is out of the picture. If or when that will happen? No one knows.

You have to have TIME AND PATIENCE to do this. Is your W and M worth the effort? That is the ultimate question.

BITS
Denver