I failled horribly...

[dbmod]

Team,



On the flip side, I once again reminded her that at some point this week, she will surrender her engagement ring, wedding band and anniversary band. Then things turned. She got kind of upset like a wounded child. She began figiting with her hands and looking at the floor. Her chin kind of began to quiver and she asked me why she had to give them up. I told her that I paid for them, you are no longer wearing them and they are still worth some monitary value despite the fact that all sentimental value is gone. She asked me what I planned to do with them. I explained to her that I know a guy who is in really, really bad financial straights and can't get credit right now and that I am going to sell the rings to him for his wedding. He is getting cash from his father to pay me. I went on to explain that I will then use the money to purchase this rifle that I have been wanting for some time but would never buy because she hated guns. She really looked hurt and frankly, at that point, I didn't care. She started stuttering about with her words and pretty much began begging me to let her hang on to them a bit longer. She wanted to know why I was in such a rush to do this. I explained that she informed me it was over and I was doing what was necessary to begin my healing process as it is now time to take care of me. She began to plead with me to let her keep them a bit longer. I relented. ... I think her thoughts and actions might have betrayed her a bit there. She continues to protest politely that we are through. Yet, the thoughts of her rings being gone seemed to scare the sh*t out of her. Why? Does she think she will wear them again some day? Hmmm? This did set me to thinking. Between us here, this is all a farce. I have no buyer for the rings and I can afford the rifle without the money. But, I wanted to test her to see what is really going on in her head. I have now had this discussion with her about the rings three times and it always goes the same way. She gets upset and pleads to keep them a bit longer. She knows once they are gone, they will be lost forever and I think that scares her. A good sign, maybe? I know it is wrong to mess with her like this, but if this is the worst thing I do, I think I am justified for now. I am, by the way, not the one that walked out on a 15 year R like I was leaving the grocery store.
......
FOBD

FOBD


Your wife has pulled some 'acts of war' but so is this crap with the rings in the eyes and heart of a woman. It's an act of war. The fact that she cares and the fact that you feel cold about it are not good signs. The way you want to test this is not going to serve you well. You say you feel justified, and I completely understand that--these are just acts of war, or pi..ing matches. They do not have a good conclusion. Work differently and you can be really successful.

[Denver_2010]

FOBD - I posted a long response to what has been going on with you last night. For some reason, it has appeared on your thread. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I am still here. Just having some problems posting.

BITS!
Denver

[ScaredinCanada]

Also, thanks again to everyone for the kind words last night. You guys are so much help at times words cannot explain it. I wish there was more that I could do than just say thank you for each of you. You guys are a beacon of hope right now. This is truly some black days I am wandering through...

Your friend,

FOBD

Sorry to hear about your friends brother FOBD. Unfortunately it seems that when it rains it pours. Keep close to your friends and keep a level head. If you believe in God then find strength in him if not then like me you find strength in the kids, family or friends.

I'm glad things went well when it came to splitting up assets, but I also find the sitch with the rings very strange.

Your story about getting hammered, crying the whole way home to your friend and then punching the fence is the exact reason why I've had all of 5-6 beers total in past 3 months. I've always found that alcohol is not good for me - I let my worst fears and feelings. (Outside of my brothers wedding when I got drunk)

Keep your head up, we are here for you.

BITS
SIC

[Denver_2010]

FOBD - I posted a long response to what has been going on with you last night. For some reason, it has appeared on your thread. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I am still here. Just having some problems posting.

BITS!
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost, 2step, dbmod, Denver, Ots and Scared,
Thanks for staying tuned in. As we all know, yesterday was supposed to be moving day. On Saturday, my W informed me that both my FIL and MIL would be coming over. I had my concerns about that considering my recent interactions with them. None the less, I was unable to find anyone to come over and be with me while they were here, but I was going to "buck up" and go it alone. So I thought...

Around 11:30 a.m., my W called to say that they were on the way and would arrive around 12:30 p.m. I don't know what happened, but I flipped. All of a sudden, I just wanted out of the house. I jumped in the shower, got dressed and called a friend to see if he wanted to go to lunch. I wrote my W a note and left a key under the mat. I got out of the house as fast as I could.

I picked up my buddy and headed to a restaurant. By the way, this was the same buddy who got me home the night before. I took him to lunch and paid for it as thanks for taking care of me. Not to mention, it was his fence I punched and I did do some damage that I am going to have to fix. None the less, in the middle of lunch I get this call from the W concerned because she just called the house and I didn't answer. I told her I was at lunch and she freaked. "What are you doing, you left? I am on the way with the truck and now I can't get in the house. What is going on?" All of this in a voice that was not the best tone. So, I DB'ed. I wanted to rip her a new *ss for talking to me that way. But, instead I took a deep breath and asked her if she was finished. She said yes. I then calmly explained that I had left her a note and a key and that everything was taken care of. I think she was embarrassed at that point. I could tell in her tone as she thanked me. I wished her luck with her move and hung up.

What in the h*ll was that? Why did she freak out like that? I know, I know, I shouldn't even try to figure it out. Those were rhetorical questions. I know why she freaked out. SHE IS A W.A.S.!!! I read a theory in DR and then followed up on it on the Internet. It is true. WAS's have one plan. They spend months working on that "escape" plan and they then convince themselves it will work and it is the best idea. But, when that plan falls apart they quickly turn to anger and yelling. The funny part is that when we were together on Saturday packing the kitchen, I never actually said I was going to be there on Sunday. She just assumed I would be there, but I never actually said I would. I know, I made it a point not to ever clarify. She just assumed I would be there and a WAS always assumes they are heading in the right direction. I think somebody might have gotten their feelings hurt when their LBS didn't act as expected...

Here is the best part. On the note, I did follow some of my MC's advice. In a very polite note that I finished with a smily face drawing, I wrote, "I will be back in about an hour and a half. I would like to respectfully request that you and your moving party be out of the house by then. I have other plans for this afternoon that will require the house." Exactly 90 minutes after she told me they were in the neighborhood approaching the house, I got a text that said, "I am done." Oh no, did FOBD just snatch some control and take care of himself? I think he did. Funny, she texted me. Remember, I had banned all texting and she hadn't texted me in two weeks. Anytime we needed anything, it was always a phone call. I think my W might have gotten a dose of reality that didn't go down to well. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Oh, and you guys will love this. For the past 10 days, my W and I have spoken every day. We would talk about the household goods and the logistics of getting her moved. But the conversation would always turn friendly and we would end up chatting. I told you guys I worried this might be a set up. Well, last night, no call. Tonight, no call. She now has some money, 1/2 the kitchen and her (name) fix. I guess my suspicions were right all along. I really do hate when my gut starts telling me things, because it is usually correct. I have six weeks until I can file for the D. Since we have no children, you can file in my state six months after one member moves out. The best part is that if I file on the six month anniversary, she can't come back on me for interim support. Team, I am thinking about it hard. Very hard. For months, you have heard me go on and on here about how much I love my W and I want her back. But something hit me tonight. I think my W, the W I knew and loved, died many weeks ago. You can stay married to a dead person...

So, I headed to my mother's house for our usual Sunday family dinner. My sister showed up with my little 8 month old niece and we played together all afternoon and into the evening. My sister let me feed her and I made a laundry basket into a little racing car for her. I pushed her around the living room all afternoon. Around 9pm, she started getting cranky, so I sat with her in a rocking chair and put her to sleep in an few minutes. Next thing I know, my sister was waking me. I had fallen asleep and my head was resting on her little head. I didn't find out until later that my mom and sister were taking pictures of us sleeping together in the chair. I cannot explain to you guys how much that little girl lifts my spirits. An 8 month old child is now saving a 39 year old man. Funny how the world works, huh?

DBMod, you are right. I guess I should stop pushing for the rings, but that is the only time my W ever seems to actually act like she still cares about us. For now, I will let it go. I know, I shouldn't do these things. But I have been sitting back on my heals for months and I just wanted to show her that I can still go on the offensive should I choose. My bad..

Yes, team, you are also right. Crawling into a bottle on Saturday night was stupid. I have a bad problem with using alcohol as a release from my problems. I will also try to curb this in the future. Nothing good ever comes from it. Funny story, my buddy told me that when I was at my drunkest, I gave him my keys and my cell phone. He asked me why the cell phone? I told him I was afraid I might drunk call my W. He laughed and took it from me.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[mj144]

Well you made it through to the other side. You sound great. You obviously know your W best, but don't start reading into things too much quite yet. I think you may be a bit premature in thinking you were being set up all along. You did take control back. It was probably a good strategical move to not being there. I'm sure she was thinking about it the whole time they were packing up the truck. You are in control.

B.I.T.S.

[Denver_2010]

Funny, I tried leaving you a post last night to say that I was proud of you for not drunk calling your W! Good thinking!

[Denver_2010]

FOBD - I am concerned that you are reacting out of pain right now. Listen, I told you that your W's physical move from the house was going to be bad. The finality of it hits home like nothing else. I know. Take some time to get used to what has happened. Then see where you and your emotions are.

I agree with MJ in that you shouldn't jump to the conclusion that this was a set up. I continue to think that your two previous contacts with W are more of a reflection of her feelings than what you experienced this weekend. You thought about and prepared for what was going to happen and how you were going to act. Do you not think that she did the same? Do you believe that her behavior was not a result of her preparation? Could she have made it through this move if she had felt any of the emotion that she demonstrated when the two of you had contact before? I don't think so. Neither did she.

The W that you love so much is not 'dead'... she is there somewhere. She is scared and confused. Do you want to be there when she comes back?

When you took your vows, did you mean "in good times and in bad" or did you mean only until your W became lost and scared?

Remember, this takes TIME AND PATIENCE. Is your W worth it? The W that you desperately wanted back only a few days ago, is SHE worth it? Only you can answer that question FOBD.

Just some thoughts man... I know that it is tough.

BITS!
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Dbmod - Where is my response to FOBD's last post? I submitted it last night and it still hasn't shown up on his thread?

[lostinscared]

Ugh, FOBD... painful. I am sorry that you W has not been calling you, but like you said, you saw that from a million miles away. Thing is, what she's looking for, what she's escaping to probably doesn't exist. When people get to this stage, what they are trying to escape from usually is living within themselves. She can't escape herself. It might take her a long time to figure that out.

FOBD, do you want kids? Why didn't you decide to have kids? That a baby is saving you is a beautiful thing! I can go on and on about how my nephew saved me and my family. I understand, believe me, I understand.

So... you are now talking D. Can we walk through how you are landing here? You said that you believe your old W is dead. Do you really think this? Is your gut telling you something about this that you haven't shared? Are you giving up? Do you believe that there are better things out there to explore? Obviously, there are no wrong answers to any of these questions, I'm just looking for where you head is. Obviously, I make no judgments because as you can tell on my thread, I'm pulling away also. But I'm just wondering why.

Listen, you did great with your W. I'm glad that you got out of there. I'm glad you spent time with friends and family. I'm mostly glad that you took control and did what you wanted. Whatever you decide to do, of course, we are all here to support YOU. You have been a great friend to so many of us.

Take care. BITS (well, sister)

LIS