So today I am having another irrational panic. I keep having these sudden irrational panics, they are getting less now but they are still appearing which says to me that there is an underlying problem and I am finding it really hard to isolate what it is.
Joe came down to Melbourne to see me and to get a job for a few weeks. It was really lovely to see him and we spent a lovely weekend together. We were chatting and he said to me that I don't talk about my past much and when I talk about it I was very brief. I think this is a product of the divorce really, as I have got so used to glossing over stuff. Anyway, I ended up telling him a few personal things, like the fact that I hadn't been very happy at school etc and he said it was really good to know that info and he felt like he was getting to know me better and wanted me to tell him more. Unfortunately he also said 'see, Julia isn't so boring after all, I really enjoyed your stories and you made me laugh, I'm starting to learn more about you'. The problem is he said the words that I had been dreading - that I was boring. I am sure he didn't mean them in the actual sense of I was boring after all he wouldn't have wanted t ospend Christmas with me and come down to Melbourne with me and talk about doing farm work with me if that was the case. But it left me with the old familiar sense of anxiety that is so familiar to me and it has taken me a while to work out what the actual issue is.
I feel anxious when I am with him as I am scared he will think I am boring and this makes me guarded and inhibited. When I leave him I analyse my behaviour and worry that he will not contact me again.
Does any of this sound familiar? It is exactly how I used to feel with exh and I am cross that I am repeating the same pattern. It is not making me happy. I think the underlying reason I feel this way is because exh left me for another woman and to live a (his perception) more fun and carefree life. Now in retrospect I know this was crisis fog and actually he didn't want it at all but now I feel this insecurity and I don't want it to jeorpardise future relationships.
Does anyone else feel like this and have any suggestions?
