Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[MHL]

CNS,

I hear what you want....

I simply want to move on from the place I've found myself in for too long.

but then it is followed by this.....

No more cake-eating for her.

This tells me that what you want is for her not to "cake eat" rather than "move on".

Now to discuss "moving on" and "moving forward"....which has been discussed many times before....

Do I tell her I've moved on?

Here is the thing about that......

When you are ready to move forward with your life without regards to her you will not care that she knows anyway....you will be too busy "moving"......make sense???

Things started "moving" for me when I got a new job, had all these wonderful people coming to visit me, loan modification came through....all this stuff going on and not once did I stop and say "Wow, I should really call my W and let her know." I was too busy living my life.

So the answer to your question is....

No.........because you haven't "Moved ON or Forward".......

......YET!!!!

But

YOU WILL.......give it time.....

It will come......remember "a watched pot never boils"

I think I may box up her closet (which is still full) and empty her dresser drawers to indicate I'm serious about moving on.

This is an action that you are considering but it is for the wrong reason......you are doing it "to indicate to her"....

that right there is not moving on.......

Move her stuff because you need the room or you don't want to look at it.....don't do it to ellicit a reaction out of her.

I agree with Mach.......you are way to close to her and her crap to begin to "move forward" in your life.

Hope this helps, here is the good news.....you're moving you just don't know it.........it is not until you arrive at that point that you realize that you were traveling all that time.

Hang in there.....

Cheers

[crushednstuck]

Thanks all, I am just determined not to let things happen TO me, which I feel has happened too often. I'm trying to figure out which direction I need to go to get me unstuck and feel truly in command of my future. Many financial and career decisions have been put off waiting on her. I realize I need to move forward as though she is not here - which she isn't.

I periodically get mad out of frustration. And yes the kid-related pokes with a sharp stick still fire me up. I don't know if that will ever go away. I am sensitive to this because if I had recognized the problems in my M, then they would not be suffering now. I now feel guilt because I spend more time cleaning up after them than playing with them.

She called me at work - still fixated on the meeting; suggesting I crafted an elaborate cut and paste email to prove my point. Delusional. Can't argue with crazy.

To WS's point, I do feel like she is moving on her position - and not in a way I like. She did say it was time for me to do something about the house. She argued that she did everything in the M. I let her rage and tried to acknowledge her feelings. She said she lost all hope - that I had not changed at all during the last 16 months. I think I did a great job of dropping the rope and letting her go on. She said she's done. I said fine, we can take the government-required kid/divorce class and move on.

It seemed to be a good-bye call. I said if she needed to file for D, she should do it. Not angry, just resigned and calm. She never actually said "divorce". Then something strange - she broke up when she responded to my assertion that I'd learned a lot. She cried a bit saying 'someone else will benefit' from lessons learned in our M.

I responded to all this saying things could be whatever we choose. She said any changes I made for her wouldn't last. I said I was not trying to change FOR her.

Anyway, I must make some changes before changes make me. I feel like I've taken up residence at the last resort. I do care a little too much about her actions, but only because I've held some expectations. I feel I can throw away those expectations along with any contact with her. It's the only real way to take the batteries out of the universal remote.

[warriorshadow]

Then something strange - she broke up when she responded to my assertion that I'd learned a lot. She cried a bit saying 'someone else will benefit' from lessons learned in our M.

I responded to all this saying things could be whatever we choose. She said any changes I made for her wouldn't last. I said I was not trying to change FOR her.

Crushed,
Here we go again. I could swear that you and your wife taped

a conversation my W and I had about 6 months ago and both of

you are now saying those same words.

Don't I get like some copyright credits or kickbacks?

The Point here is again MLC speak. I keep trying to tell you

that this gets worse before it gets better in most cases I have

read about and my own experience as well.

I see Mach and Missher are trying to tell you something. I don't

believe you are listening to all of it.

She did say it was time for me to do something about the house. She argued that she did everything in the M. I let her rage and tried to acknowledge her feelings. She said she lost all hope - that I had not changed at all during the last 16 months. I think I did a great job of dropping the rope and letting her go on. She said she's done. I said fine, we can take the government-required kid/divorce class and move on.

You know, this stuff up here ^^^^^^, tells me you still don't

seem to get this. I really don't give out 2x4's. If you tell her

you want to move on, you may just get what you want. Is that

what you want?

I am having a tough time figuring out what it is you want.

If it was me, and its not, cause I did not get the chance that

you don't even realize you have, I would let her do all the work.

Everything.

She has to track down a lawyer.

Come up with money for a retainer.

Sign up for the f'ing class.

Have you served papers.

That is just the beginning.

Oh, I know this chit is hard.

That is why most either quit or don't

even figure half of this chit out.

You have got some of the DREAM TEAM of life

lessons giving you some insight and I am not talking

about me.

There is much to learn and I get this feeling that you

are not wanting to go through the pain. I don't blame you

for that but WTH do you have to lose?

If you could answer that for yourself, not for me or any of

us, you might get a glimpse of where you might be heading.

Are you really prepared to hack on this for a few years or not?

At the very least you will grow within. Taking the easy way out

is what everyone else does.

You have already separated yourself from the masses by coming

here.

What is the point if you don't keep on learning along the way.

The detaching thing is tough, I will admit that. I still get

sucked in to the madness way to quick. BUT the best thing

that I have realized is that the MLC'r is in a place where emotion

rules over logic so you can't F'ing win. So as Eric liked to

tell me and others, you have to partake of the STFU koolaid.

I think it would have helped you in that last conversation with

her and there will be more conversations like that to come.

It is how you CHOOSE to handle that conversation that will pay

you the biggest benefit and you may not see this until days,

weeks or months later.

WS

[cat04]

Thanks all, I am just determined not to let things happen TO me, which I feel has happened too often. I'm trying to figure out which direction I need to go to get me unstuck and feel truly in command of my future. Many financial and career decisions have been put off waiting on her. I realize I need to move forward as though she is not here - which she isn't.

Exactly.

I am sensitive to this because if I had recognized the problems in my M, then they would not be suffering now.

This is guilt and while a little bit is healthy, a ton of it can make you a bad parent in the long run. Yes things could probably been better if you had recognized some things earlier, however, you could not have stopped her MLC.

Guilt has a funny way of affecting how effective we are as parents. It makes up want to be more of a "friend" to our kids sometimes. Please be careful with this.

I responded to all this saying things could be whatever we choose. She said any changes I made for her wouldn't last. I said I was not trying to change FOR her.

You did really good up to this point. This was probably seen as pursuing.

CNS, have some patience with yourself and step back and maybe take a breath or two and count to ten before you do anything or say anything with your W. Just think before you speak or act. That will help. It usually works for me. And it keeps me from biting my tongue off LOL.

[crushednstuck]

Thanks for the insight Cat. I have always felt that a question required an immediate response. Yet I have also lived by the quote "It's better for people to think you're an a**, than open your mouth and prove it." Stolen from Abe Lincoln I think.

Early in that convo I told her I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't like her tone. "You never want to talk about it!" I almost got away, when she started pressing the universal remote buttons. I'll need to use the ten-count.

[cat04]

Throw away that universal remote.

[Mach1]

"It's better for people to think you're an a**, than open your mouth and prove it." Stolen from Abe Lincoln I think.

I knew Grit has had actual conversations with Abe, with his age and all...


but Et Tu CNS ?

Early in that convo I told her I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't like her tone. "You never want to talk about it!" I almost got away, when she started pressing the universal remote buttons. I'll need to use the ten-count.

Taking the batteries out of that thing can be as easy as setting some healthy boundaries for yourself...

They are touchy , and usually include some Exorcist moments of their head spinning around on their body a couple times....

Know what you need to say for yourself first , and make sure it is for you. but I am thinking you need to protect yourself from her irrationality right now...

And you certainly do not need to be sucked into a relationship conversation every freakin night....

[crushednstuck]

Agreed Mach, but I find myself attempting to prove her wrong about not being responsive. Its one of the things that got me here. I pulled away when confronted or upset. So I sort of feel like I'm doing the same thing now by pulling away and protecting myself.

I'd like to say to her that I'd love to talk about our relationship when we are both willing to work on it. But in the past she's taken this as an ultimatum to dump the douche. I don't want to create ultimatums or put pressure on her. But as you've said, I can't get caught up in her irrationality every night.

[crushednstuck]

Sorry WS, almost missed your post. Drinking deep from the STFU koolaid.
Though if I didn't like the pain (or feel it was worth it) I definitely wouldn't be here now. I've made it this far and can't say I've tried everything. But nothing's worked yet. As Jack said above, there's no use in keeping at things not working. The question is whether I'm ready for the last resort.

I understand she's irrational and emotional right now. Logic will not win the day. So how should I expect any reasonable approach to work? (Keeping in mind that my progress comes first right now.)

[warriorshadow]

I understand she's irrational and emotional right now. Logic will not win the day. So how should I expect any reasonable approach to work? (Keeping in mind that my progress comes first right now.)

Realizing this ^^^^ is big. After a while, you just find yourself

prepared a little more each time. I still struggle with knowing

each interaction with W is going to be emotion over logic. I have

noticed if I am tired, I am much more easily sucked back in to

reacting in a way that I would prefer not to react.

As far as expecting any reasonable approach to work, there are no

expectations in MLC. However, for you, and me, instead of

reacting and just listening (hence the koolaid) seems to always

pan out to be the best practice.

Realize the nonsense will continue to spew out throughout the

crisis and probably beyond. As Mach or Jack likes to say,

if it stings, you have been given a chance to look at yourself

to work on whatever stings.

You can also get practice at validating. Have you seen the

youtube on that yet?

I don't only do more validating with my W, I also practice

with the gas station clerk, the grocery checker, the bank teller,

the waitress, etc. It will brighten your day after enough times.

I say practice because how else will you let it become part of

you to become sincere in validating?

BECAUSE.... you will need it. Whether it is with your W or if

she does not recover from the madness and it is somebody else in

your future, you will need it.


Since your W has not reached a point yet where she has filed for

divorce, this is far more in your control than you realize no

matter which way this goes.

WS