What should I do?

[sgctxok]

Forrest--

You have my highest level of respect. The hardest thing to do is to piece and build the relationship from the ground up again. We feel we shouldn't have to, and yet in some sense, we do it new every day anyway.

That's where you are. You are faced with balancing your own needs and her needs, expecting to be truly loved and accepted unconditionally, and willing to give her unconditional love. And the truth is--none of us really know what it's like to live with you or with her.

We don't know the level of your alcohol use or what you are like when you drink. YOU might not know what it's like for her when you drink. The same with the porn. What is it like for her? It's completely worthwhile to find that out from her. At worst case, if you chose not to work through this, you would have a real understanding of the impact of your actions. At best case, you build the most loving intimate understanding kind of glue between the two of you.

I'm incredibly humbled by your honesty. Excessive use of alcohol has touched almost all our lives, whether it's us individually or a loved one, or both. The same is true for me--in both instances--I lost my father to alcoholism, we're Irish and it's all over the family, and I love wine, although I won't touch beer. If I have more than two glasses, G is irritated with me. It doesn't mean you have bad character if your alcohol use makes your wife uncomfortable. It does make it an issue between the two of you. To say she should just love you and accept it as part of you, is probably fair, not fair, realistic and unrealistic at the same time. She does love you or she wouldn't be around you. She knows the hero you are, the same guy we see on the board. She wants better for you and herself--because, well, she knows how good it can be, and you can't deliver on that with the alcohol. And unfortunately, you have to make a decision. Actually, not one. LOTS of decisions about this -- you have to make them every single day.

Same thing with the porn--everyone has an acceptable level. Same thing with her lack of involvement with sex. The two MIGHT be intertwined--only you, and her know the levels.


Forrest--you've been willing to talk about 400lb purple gorilla with the pink dancing shoes--that's the thing we seldom do here on this board. We blame our partner. We talk about our feelings. We don't say HEY--BUT THERE'S THIS--which is what you did.

I respect you. Enormously.