Mila I am not judging you. However, having been at this a long time, I realise how hurt and damaged we still are for at least 2 years post bomb. I am not saying stand still, just be aware that you are still very re-active to your husband and what he did. I am not suggesting that you wait 7 years for your husband, but that you give yourself a reasonable amount of time, and have therapy for the trauma, before you enter into another commitment Your fear of being alone is very telling.
A very good friend of mine married, many years ago, a man whose wife had a MLC. He married her about 2 years post bomb, and as a couple they are now dealing with the fact that he hadn't dealt with the demise of his first marriage. They are comitted to each other, and having counselling, both separately and together. I hope and pray they will make it through. But it has made me even more aware of the problems that emerge years on, if we attempt 'healing' through another person, rather than sorting ourselves out.
There is probably little about loneliness that you can tell me, as I have been there, and am through the other side. It is crucial for our self development, imo, that we learn to live alone. I don't mean this to sound harsh, and I sincerely wish you joy in any neew relationship, but in reality it is very early days. Yes I know you are 53, and time does not stand still . . Another friend of mine met the love of her life recently and has married . . she had given up on any thoughts of meeting the right man, and he is wonderful. There aren't many of them, and they are out there.
Thank you Bea - I welcome all opinions, they make me think. You know how it is, some days you are sure that you know what you want and next day you are feeling differently...well at least me anyway...
I'm finding that lately I feel totally detached from H, like I don't even care anymore and those are the times when I just want it over with and to move on. I've been feeling like this for a while now...And I can't move on until we sort out our SA...even if I wanted to start another relationship, how can I?....I still have joint bank accounts with H and we work in the same business...what decent guy would want to start a relationship like that...I'm a married woman...not even legally separated...so yeah...I better sort it all out first, before I decide anything about any romantic involvement
(((hugs Bea)))
Absolutely nothing new to report, H is away with OW for 10 days...of course he didn't even tell me that he is leaving...found out through D....nice business partner, right?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You still share an account? Sweetie, slowly but surely start to extricate yourself from the situation financially. In effect, he is using your combined accounts for weekends with the OW. That [censored]. Jack, is that a bad word? It's not when used in the phrase "egg sucking dog". Just wonderin'.
I am afraid I have become so detached I have become almost militant in my outlook, but PROTECT THYSELF. Also, CYA ( haha Jack, that could mean cover your asthma.)
Mila, I agree with punkin, at least as far as personal recreational and entertainment expenses are concerned. H and I had always had equal monthly "allowances" to pay for clothes, gifts, sporting equipment and the like. After he left, and at my request, we expanded what had to be paid out of our personal accounts to include all entertainment and recreation, including restaurant meals and travel, except when it with our Ds (who have not yet been exposed to OW and would likely not agree to be). We raised our allowances to account for the change. H spends his, I save much of mine. Except for one instance a couple of weeks ago, H has not used out joint accounts for his personal expenses. I know because, like you, I handle all of the joint accounts, and watch them carefully. Nevertheless, if H starts to spend from them, I will take measures to protect myself.
I remember that you posted several times about paying for OW expenses for H. No way would I have done that. How humiliating. Your H's choices come with consequences, and one of them should be paying his own bills, at least in regard to his A.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I have to go on and if it means that I'll find a new relationship that will make me happy...great....
Only you can make yourself happy. Once you are, a great relationship is the icing on the cake.
Having said that - after 18 months, what's the harm in dating? I wouldn't advise dating anyone exclusively because girlfriend there are plenty of fish in the sea and dating is a great way to make new friends, enjoy activities, engage in the world - it doesn't mean you have to settle down with the first guy you click with!
have fun.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Mila, you are going through the normal stages of loss and grief. You are not, I suspect, truly detached, but have wisely detached your feelings from the situation. A therapist friend ponted out to me that I did that to protect myself - which I found a good insight.
I agree with the other posters. You have to talk to your h about his behaviour as a business partner. If he wasn't your h and was another business partner - a woman friend for example, who was treating you like this, you would sit down and talk about it, if necessary with a mediator. It is a sign of your husband's sense of guilt and MLC entitlement that he does not tell you he is going away.
You need to separate as much of your finances as possible. [I speak from experience, should have done it sooner myself] Talk to a lawyer and also a professional bsiness adviser about the situation while you h is away. I don't know the legal structure of your business. Can you being in someone else to help boost the business, or buy your h out if he isn't pulling his weight. You cannot change his MLC behaviou with regard to the marriage, but as a work colleague you have every legal right to expect him to behave properly
Finally I agree with the poster who said if we can't be on our own why would anyone else want to be with us? Of course you miss what you had, but that has to go and be mourned before you can really start anything fresh.
You are clearly a remarkable woman, and will be fine.
H has been sitting on the draft of the SA that my lawyer sent him for 2 months now...I haven't pushed it, but I will when he gets back...I just want it done. I have everything in it including all the details how to handle our bills, private spending...the question is will he agree to it. When we briefly talked about it he was objecting to some of it already...also brought up that he wants me out of the company, because he doesn't want to answer to me in the future.
Bea - I have talked to H about his behavior as my business partner...did no good, doesn't see that this is about business...he thinks that I just want to control him and prevent him from seeing OW...he just wants to be free to do whatever he wants and nothing will stop him.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I don't know the details of your company set up, but as to your husband wanting you out - I assume that legally you are equal partners - so why can't you get him out? If he has expertise it is pretty useless as long as he is in MLC. I suspect he has nothing you couldn't buy in, and better the way he is now!
Don't forget I have been dealing with a crazy MLCer for more than 5 years! They are very very manipulative [like children] Get in a mediator if he will not talk to you. Check what happens in companies where the partners disagree and do what they do if they are smart, which is get professional advice. This is business Mila, not personal, whatever he likes to pretend. Yes he will try and make it personal because the boundaries in his mind are utterly confused.
I think you can tell your h that you can do this nicely, or you can play hardball, and then put it in the hands of lawyers, if he isn't prepared to co-operate. It is very very hard to have to be so tough with the person you shared your life with, but the alternative is to allow him to ruin the business and dissipate your hard won assets on another woman.
He feels entitled to do this. He isn't entitled, and if he won't listen to you he will have to listen to a lawyer. It is early days in the MLC and he isn't likely to change anytime soon. I am sorry to be tough, but you are dealing with someone who will trash anyone and anything that stands in his way, and not feel bad about it. At least not bad enough to stop. Some MLCers are relatively nice, but I suspect you have a fairly mean one [like mine] I often wonder if the mean ones aren't the ones that feel the most guilty underneath it all! In punishing us they are projecting the punishment they feel they shold be getting - there is a huge amount of projection in MLC.
A few words of caution...I wouldn't tell him that you can play nicely or play hardball. This will set him off and he will then be even more determined on his mlc walk through the wild side and could possibly destroy the company (just to prove his point that he is "entitled to do whatever he wants"). Turn it over to your lawyer.
I would suggest that you just advise your lawyer of everything and let him do what he is being paid to do. I also want to point out that mlcers don't listen to lawyers very well either. They view them, as as they view us, as authority figures.
You've been more than fair and nice to your h, time to take it to next level and whatever you do, do not show him your hand of cards...some actions need to be play close to the vest and this is one of them.
I'm very sorry he is acting this way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
