Lighthouse lit till WAW comes out of fog.

[ScaredinCanada]

I'm literally at the same point, and anytime she initiates R talk I take it to mean she's ready to "work on us", but really she just wants a question answered or to get something off her chest. I need to just listen and validate and try not to "add something" to the convo.

So easy to say, so tough to do in the moment.

I can see she's in limbo (and I hate to think about it, because it has such a negative conectation), I have to find in myself to let her really comeback to me.

Will see about booking MC at the end of this week, for appointment sometime next week.

Habit, how do you really go about detaching while living together? I need to deal with her EVERYDAY, about the kids, bills, etc. I can do it at times, but we are still so connected - without having a personal relationship that I keep wanting to get that connection back (although she told me on Friday night that on top of the fact that she hasn't been in love for me for a long time, she believes we've never truly been
connected to each other").

BAH.

BITS
SIC

[habitacker]

SIC, Well I am not sure I am detaching, at least not enough. I wish I had an answer for you.

I think I have started to burn myself out. At the beginning of this weekend, it was the first time I actually wanted to take the kids somewhere, and did not want her to go. I just didn't want to be around her if she is going to be so uncomfortable and tense. I want her to be with us more than anything in the world, but just not like this.

Well, that feeling was short lived. I went back to wanting to have her with us. My feelings change from day to day, but in some weird way, maybe this is a sign of me detaching.

As for having no R talk, which we have never had except for D-day, I want to really bad. What keeps me from doing it is fear. The one time I tried R talk is the first and only time I have heard her say, " I want a D, I don't love you,I don't need you. So everytime (almost all the time) I want to talk these words that hurt me so bad, keep me from doing it.

I have learned all this great stuff that I wish to share with her so she can learn also. I want to run to her with it. I always stop myself because I remember it hurt the last time. So I wait, I tell myself I will be able to talk to her sometime. If it gets to the end, I would hope she would at least give me the time to talk to her about what I have learned and how I feel.

If things get better with us, I can use the things I have learned in piecing.

It is so very hard, especially as a fixer, to find out all this wonderful info that explains so much of our problems and not be able to share it with her. It gets me so excited to see where my problems were coming from, and also hers.

Even if we don't end up together, I am going to try to talk to her about this stuff. The success of 2nd marriages is horrible. I want my W to be happy with or without me, and if she wishes to get married again, these things about her need to be addressed. If the problems of the 1st M are not fixed, they are just going to carry over to the 2nd.

As for now, in her eyes, all the problems are me, which at first I thought she was right. Far from it.

Remember when we are told in DB, Don't believe anything you hear, and 50% of what you see? This is what I think of when my W says she doesn't love me anymore, even though when she said it, I believe she thinks it, doesn't mean it is true.

My W said she hasn't loved me for 3 to 5 years. Which is it? See my point? She doesn't even know for sure. I think it was Truegritter a long time ago that pointed this out to me. When I posted this, he asked me, really? Are you sure about that? And that got me thinking, Don't believe anything you hear.

As for the daily connection? Do it. Do it in the best spirit you've got. It is all we have. These are interactions that most do not get. We still get to live with our W's. We get those interactions to make things right. So we better make them as pleasurable as possible. Do them with no R talk, because the R talk will just remind them of where you actually are. Why remind them? They are still here, still in our homes, still in our lives, why? who cares, just don't push and give them a reason or excuse to move on and justify what they are doing.

Now, for the physical connection, Ha, suffer with the rest of us.

[habitacker]

Just got the daily packages for the W from the UPS man. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I just see my half of the credit card bills after she ends this. About to hit $30,000. (that I know of) What the he** can I do?

[ScaredinCanada]

Oh my gawd! To think I was getting frustrasted that our CC was about to hit $10000. I think it'a time to cut up the "joint card" and tell her that she should get her OWN card. I'm glad we don't have that issue, my W has always been great with money.

Dude, no worries about the physical connection. Other than the lame lay there sex on Christmas, the 3 minutes dance at my brothers wedding there has been no physical contact in 3 months.

Although the other night when we were going to bed, and R talk came up. I was still up brushing my teeth and W said something silly I disagreed with and rushed out of the bathroom and smacked her on butt - I got a realy sly sexy smile from her. She told me not to do that...but I could tell she liked. Not that it really helped me much - just means she's missing physical contact as much as me.

Ya I need to re-focus again. Just act normal with the kids, interact positively with the W, and avoid conflict or personal conversation. I think I'll get the girls to bed and watch a movie.

I'm wondering, do you still say good night to your W or tell her to "drive safe" or "have a good night at work" when she leaves? Should I keep doing these things, or should I stop?

[habitacker]

uhhhh, good question. I didn't do it much before the bomb. All that kind of faded through the years. Now I want to say it again, but these moments feel really fake between us right now.

If you have always said it in the past, and really mean it, I would keep doing it, definately. Unless some veteran has a different idea about this?

I don't believe it makes much difference if the card is joint or not. We are married. Debt is debt. Maybe I am wrong, but when my dad got divorced my mom had cards in her name only that he had no idea existed, he still had to pay for half after divorce.

[ScaredinCanada]

Oh I understand that. I just meant if she had a card that was just in her name she may think twice before using it. It's just an idea.

[habitacker]

She's got enough of those also. lol.

[sandi2]

(although she told me on Friday night that on top of the fact that she hasn't been in love for me for a long time, she believes we've never truly been
connected to each other").

That is just WAW babble. Pay no attention.

[sandi2]

Habit, your W is a shop-aholic and you better get some legal advice before you're put in the poor house. She is doing all that to compensate.

[sandi2]

I was still up brushing my teeth and W said something silly I disagreed with and rushed out of the bathroom and smacked her on butt - I got a realy sly sexy smile from her. She told me not to do that...but I could tell she liked.

This is an example of what I've been trying to point out about having fun. These few moments that you can grab are priceless! What would she have done if you had thrown her on the bed and tickled her until she peed in her pants? Well, she might not be ready for that much contact yet, IDK, but you could start working up to that point, couldn't 't you?