are you kidding me? what emails are you talking about? did you mistake me for a different poster? i am assuming the role of victim? he hit me! i have been very clear in articulating what i want. i want my old h back. but he's gone, or was never really there at all.
Why leap so quickly into defensiveness and rejection because of a single wrong word choice (on a site which disallows editing)? Why not reread to try to get to the sense of what each poster is trying to say to you?
I agree that you were the victim of a single blow. "Assuming the role of a victim" refers to your statements about seeking support from other victims of domestic abuse, etc.--it seems a way of turning one incident into a "pattern" in order to focus on that rather than on the larger picture.
People who easily portray themselves as victims generally have been the victim of some sort of abuse in childhood/young adulthood--that's why the role seems so natural to them. The speed with which you assumed it made me wonder whether there was something in your past which needed to be explored.
A person who sees herself primarily as a "victim" does so in order to avoid responsibility, to shift all blame on the perpetrator. This is a stance which makes it difficult to work on one's own issues. Certainly, all the blame for that blow rests on your husband's shoulders--but what inadequacies in the relationship can YOU take responsibility for?
You worry that you may have damaged the relationship between your H and his friend. That's why it's better not to involve friends to interfere between H and wife. However, since it's done, don't forget that it was your friend's choice, as an adult, to intervene and take your part, as well as to develop a new relationship with you, and you're not responsible for his choices.
As for how to approach your H now--I still suggest speaking with a counsellor, who could help you with your letter and might be able to facilitate some dialogue between the two of you if your H was willing.
Now that's a much better response. If we seem a little too direct sometimes, it's only because we want to see you succeed regardless of your decision.
So now that you've decided to maybe start walking towards your H, rather than away, we'll go with that.
When was the last time you talked to him? Have you been in contact with him?
that is the problem. last time i had any contact was when our friend went with me to get my stuff. my h kept trxting and calling my mom's but i just wouldn't respond because of the way he had acted. in honesty, i do want to talk this through and tried to before and now that some time is passing i feel stuck. i called for an appointment with a christian based counselor and its for next tuesday. i will ask what is the best way to initiate contact with my h. the more time passes in silence though the harder it is for me. thats why i thought maybe a note so that i or he doesn't have to feel uncomfotable in person or on the phone.
Start off with a note. That's a good idea. Consider it a peace offering to open dialogue. Keep it short and simple. Just a nice. Hello. I wanted to see how you were doing. marmie.
He may respond back in anger but be prepared for it. It was a bad idea to show up with his friend because it gave the impression that everyone is on your "side" and that he has nowhere else to turn to. What you caught him doing was embarassing enough, but when you brought in his friend, your pastor, etc. into the mix, what was once a private shame of his is now public for the world to see. So where do you think he turned to? Not to anyone else, but back to his computer.
It will be hard for him to get over the humiliation of it all just so you're warned. One suggestion is to defend him rather than condemn him. I'm not saying you're defending his actions, but defend him as your husband. In that position, you know when to give in and when to stand firm. For example, if someone asks you "how is that sex pervert husband of yours?" (because they've heard rumors), you can answer that you don't appreciate him being called that and it is a private matter between you and him and no one else.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
omg, he called my cell when i was in the shower this morning. this time he left vm. it was just kinda nuetral "could we have a conversation when you get a minute"? what should i do?
Call him back and just listen. he might say things that you know aren't true and will at times sound like an alien abducted him and say things that are outrageous.
Hold you tongue and just listen no matter how offended you become. Understand that it is how he feels right now. They are his feelings. Don't make them become yours but sympathize with him.
Keep the conversation short and sweet.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i just returned his call and it went to vm. i said "got your message, let me know a good time to talk". this is so stupid i am shaking and my heart is beating hard. why am i reacting like this he is my h for goodness sake! i feel so stuck still and very uncomfortable. i hate this.
So don't be stuck. Stop cornering him (or yourself) into ultimatums and choices between feeling deep shame, and "living a lie". There are other options for goodness sake. And you have inner work to do which Cyrena articulated beautifully. ( Please don't keep on ignoring good advice, or the possible issues about your h's health).
And last but not least, involve as FEW people in this as possible. It's part of "keeping the road home paved and smooth" which you claim to want to do. Sure, if you know you want a divorce, you can make that happen by blabbing away to any and all people, like HIS male friends... and be seen as a vindictive, indiscreet "ex" wife...OR, you could give the man and the former marriage, a chance to resurface.
Regardless, your victimhood routine, and the kneejerk leaps and marital revisions need to stop now, in order for you to get anywhere in life, with or without him.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Call him back and just listen. he might say things that you know aren't true and will at times sound like an alien abducted him and say things that are outrageous.
Hold you tongue and just listen no matter how offended you become. Understand that it is how he feels right now. They are his feelings. Don't make them become yours but sympathize with him.
Keep the conversation short and sweet.
thank you mr bond. i met with the counselor and she told agreed with your advise to listen and that a short note from my heart is good. i don't want to escalate and let the message get lost in any fury. now, i need to think about what to write and not judge or make him anymore ashamed so i could draw him out a little. i don't want to rush this time just because of being hurt and shocked. any ideas for the note content mr bond?
