Scylla, thanks for the advice. Canada is no-fault as far as divorce goes though, i think child support and alimony are pretty set (the latter has some leeway). It looks like we will collaborate on the legal agreement. I want to see where that leads but i will talk to a lawyer just in order to retain one for counsel.
W is chomping on the bit to get things going (or her going). Realtor was in friday to smack some sense into W but it wasnt too bad. Luckily the mortgage payout penalty will be manageable. If we get what we think we can get for the house financially we will both be fine. When i calculate child support and alimony it looks like i wont be living in a cardboard box at least.
FIL showed up at house saturday morning and i was surprised, not expecting him. W announced i was taking the kids to lessons and she was going out for the day. No explanation. I had to ask my youngest where mom was going.."out looking at cars i think". What? So she felt she couldnt even inform me at all out of courtesy. Not like its a big financial decision that affects our family income NOW or anything..i mean holy cow. So she goes off (thankfully FIL was with her) and yep, finds a new little car and makes loan app which got approved today. See how that works? Ok, i will give her credit that she made a decent choice but she is banking on selling the house soon, maybe prematurely. She has doing everything officially to separate herself and doing it quickly. It hurts me she is being secretive about certain things and not even letting me know out of courtesy.
We discussed the separation on the weekend and our finances. I know what she expects and it is reasonable. One of the biggest concerns is where my oldest daughter would prefer to stay. It matters in terms of shared custody. DD1 does not want to talk about it and is clearly upset over the whole thing. W and DD1 got into a pissing match saturday evening. W wants the kids to see everything her way and follow her plans. DD1 doesnt want to address it. This will be difficult.
Meanwhile ive been too busy with house stuff to DB and GAL. But i will take time out for the gym next few nights to get away at least for awhile. I feel so detached now emotinally i'm afraid i don't love W anymore nor want to again. Perhaps i'm to the point of no return.
You have my understanding and empathy The very first thing my H. bought was a big screen TV ( I found out after the fact.) He also bought a new little car, and wanted my advice no less, and the trade in value of my car ( which he took the day he left. Granted, the car was on it's last legs and wasn't worth much and he left me the better vehicle, but it was all pretty much about what he wanted. Word of warning, legal separation agreements don't have much force as I understand it. If it gets ugly, then the lawyers come in and then ...it's the confrontational approach. Xabian it might not be detachment at this point as mental and emotional exhaustion. After a point it's all too much and you just shut down.
Breathe my friend.
I'm currently listening to Katie Byron. she says this: We believe certain things like " She doesn't care about me." Our mind will search and seek out every evidence that this is true, to confirm and buttress this belief. She says because our mind does this automatically to seek out evidence to support a belief to do this, ask yourself: Is this true? Can you absolutely KNOW this true? “How do you react when you think that thought?” How do you react when you believe that thought? How do you react when you think that thought? Look at the emotions that come when you believe that thought, how the heart sometimes races, how you can even break out in a sweat. “Who would I be without that thought?” Who would you be without your story? Who would you be if you didn’t believe that? Simply, “Who or what wouldyou be without that thought?”
And then just sit there with each of these questions in meditation. I say, life isn’t serious, we believe it is and when we begin to question our thoughts we come to see that it’s our minds that create the world we live in and when our minds are at peace then the world makes sense.
Seems appropriate for you and for me...I'm going to try it. What the heck do I have to lose but a whole lot of aggro?
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
