Just read your thread! IM SOOOOO Excited for you....this gives me hope too....I'm praying for yall....
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
I have been thinking about you in regards to the approach Missher has suggested with the approach us ladies have suggested.
The Masculine approach Missher suggests (I may be wrong)is that you move at an aggressive rate towards XH sexually.
We, the ladies, are suggesting a slower pace so's not to scare XH back inside that dark tunnel now that he has ventured a peek into the light. BTW, it's YOU standing in the light and he is finally recognizing the light is a warm comforting place, a place he wants to be in. The work begins to keep him moving forward. I don't think rushing him will do this. We have all seen time and time again where we get all pushy at the first glimpse of clarity and BANG they run as fast as they can to get back in control.
I think the key word here is "comfortable". IMO, a man who is comfortable and relaxed in his being and surroundings will be more open to creating a relationship. Your XH does not strike me as a man who seeks out one night stands. IMO, he looks for and needs a relationship that fills all his emotional needs.
GAG, you know what these needs are for XH by now. You hold the key at being able to make XH comfortable and relaxed and can offer XH a relationship where he feels nurtured and at the same time valued. Men need to be valued and they need to feel good emotionally and physically when with someone. A well rounded relationship will evolve naturally towards sexual contact.
If you dissect your evening with XH from last week, it appeared that you two had such a great time. Time flew by, the conversation flowed steadily....so much so that XH forgot to show you his iPad. This all equals relaxation and comfortable emotions and physical contentment. He was more than happy to be sitting and sharing with you.
IMO, they admire us for our resolve and ability to continue to see the worth in them. Our strength, kindness and patience is a big draw for them. IMO he still loves, respects, forgives, is still physically attracted to and can have fun with you. You work on these. You work to enhance XH thoughts that already exist in him.
Once his mind is comfortable and relaxed and he finds himself wanting to be with you either by helping you or emailing, texting, calling....TT matches with prolonged visits to restaurants....You are already on the other side of things. You need to validate XH and MAKE HIM FEEL EMOTIONALLY GOOOOOD!!!!!
His heart will follow.....naturally!!!!
Sexual Intimacy will follow that!!!! It will feel right to him and then he will consider reconciling.
This is all going to take time. You must be steadfast in your efforts. I know first hand just how gun shy they are. If you happen to have a setback (and you will) continue to move forward. Do not appear rattled to XH. Continue to treat him well. Give it all the patience you can muster....and then add some more!!!
GAG, I hate to say this (I have to). The recent news in your X-MIL terminal illness is something you can use to build on with XH. He will need you and there is no one better for him to lean on. Be there with him sharing his mother's final days. I think you have already figured out how to bridge the connection between the three of you. Work with this.....
Her birthday is coming up....XH is bringing a cake, you need to think of something absolutely wonderful to do for her that XH will really appreciate. Show him just how you feel about THEM!!!!
You may not have time for this idea: I thought of a DVD of photos that spans her life set to music that the three of you could watch together. Something that she can watch as many times as she likes from now on......(In your posts photos seem to be important to each of them) IDK, just a thought.....
My thoughts are with you everyday as well
Stuff is happening in my sitch, I'll post an update one day soon....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I absolutely love this thread, GAG literally has me on the edge of my seat every week!!!!!
Okay, I know that I suggested a very bold step towards sex and sexual contact etc. I am not suggesting that sex be the main goal here, and when I suggested.......
Originally Posted By: missherlove
The next step of intimacy for a man is physical.....He may not be able to open up anymore until there is a physical connection with you again.....
I did not mean to imply that "sex" was necessary in order for him to open up more emotionally......
(however if the opportunity presents itself...... )
What I am saying is that most men if not all men desire "phsical touch" (Love Languages, Gary Chapman). What I think is appropriate is looping her arm into his when walking closely together, touching his arm when he is showing her is ipad, resting her hand on his leg as she gets closer to see what he is pointing too, pressing her body into his when they hug....
Additionally, telling him that she likes for him to touch her.....
THIS IS HUGE.........let me tell you ladies this, we MEN get so many mixed messages when it comes to this area and it is the one area that we crave and NEED the most.
However.....
For the last 30-40 years society has told us to be polite and respect a woman's right to not be an object and treat them as if we are not interested in touching them physically and that we should appreciate them for what they are thinking.
I agree with all this WHOLE HEARTEDLY......
But....
Society has somehow taken the MAN out of being a MAN and also has told us men that it is not okay to desire a WOMAN for being a WOMAN.
MEN today are too damn SCARED to step out and say to a woman "You are a beautiful woman and I am attracted to you".
Somewhere along the way that was not okay to say......now if it is the only thing a man is saying then that is a problem.
Mr. GAG is a NICE GUY......I remember reading early on in GAG's thread that she had to initiate the first kiss.......He is not going to move this thing forward on his own because of his FEAR of offending her.
Nothing has changed here..........either she is going to have to initiate more physical contact and/or she is going to have to communicate that she likes it when she has physical contact with her.
I am not saying sex is the goal here......being more intimate is and that includes PHYSICAL TOUCH.
Now I will tell you that if you start touching Mr. GAG in the ways that I am suggesting or if you REALLY communicate that you like to be "touched" by him.........things will move rapidly......
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Once his mind is comfortable and relaxed and he finds himself wanting to be with you either by helping you or emailing, texting, calling....TT matches with prolonged visits to restaurants....You are already on the other side of things. You need to validate XH and MAKE HIM FEEL EMOTIONALLY GOOOOOD!!!!!
His heart will follow.....naturally!!!!
Sexual Intimacy will follow that!!!! It will feel right to him and then he will consider reconciling.
Sorry Sanderika......I am a MAN.....you want to validate ME and make me feel good EMOTIONALLY..........PHYSICAL TOUCH AND SEX.
I cannot say it enough......
MEN need the physical connection in order to form the emotional connection. It communicates to MEN that there is trust there and that it is safe to be vulnerable with WOMEN.
The difference in GAG's sitch is that she is already divorced.....physical contact or sexual contact will not come across as a means to prevent him from leaving her, he is already gone. He has his freedom......she is trying to ATTRACT him back.......
This means that GAG needs to be a WOMAN and attract a MAN.....
Problem is Society has told Men that it is not okay to act like a MAN.
GAG needs to give Mr. GAG "permission" to be a man.
Kind of sux in my opinnion, but that is where this is at.
Hope this helps
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Quick update right now. Thank you everyone for your feedback above! I'll respond to your feedback later or tomorrow.
(1) Tomorrow evening is TT night with XH (2) Thursday evening is birthday celebration at X-MIL's with X-MIL, XH,..........and BMF (Ughh!!) Yesterday XH e-mailed me: "I usually see BMF (of late) on Thursdays. I told him it was Mom's birthday …so he didn't want to miss the festivities. He will be there about 6pm also. Make sense?"......Interesting that he warned me. XH must be used to warning people about BMF since BMF and BMF's XW are warring these days.
Thinking about my strategy for the birthday party. Think I'm going to be myself with X-MIL, hugging her and trying to include her in the conversation, taking photos of her with people. Sanderika, your suggestion to compile a CD with photos she might like is a good one. I'm concerned that XH would feel that I was trying to compete with him since he just left a digital photo frame in X-MIL's place with lots of photos for her. I plan to sew a padded seat cushion, padded seat back, and padded arm rests for X-MIL's wheelchair out of faux lambswool with microsuede backing. On a recent visit X-MIL said her arm rests were too hard and hurt. I think this is something that will make her comfortable and shows planning.
I figure that as long as I am genuine and generous to X-MIL, if BMF criticizes me to XH afterward, it will just underscore that BMF is jealous of my involvement in XH's life.
I plan to look fetching in a cobalt blue sweater to bring out the blue in my eyes, black knee length pencil skirt with a slit up the back, textured black stockings, and black leather boots.
Hi GAG - sounds like a busy week interacting with XH. I'm sure that you are not excited about BMF being there, but interesting that XH told you that he will be there...does he know that you don't like him? If yes he warned you so you are not surprised...that's quite considerate, wouldn't you say?
Your planned outfit is hot
Quote:
I am a MAN.....you want to validate ME and make me feel good EMOTIONALLY..........PHYSICAL TOUCH AND SEX
Missher - I really like your male view on the situation...from experience I know that your analysis of the male psyche is right on.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Played TT tonight with XH. I'm still working on X-MIL's birthday present for tomorrow evening, so I'm just going to post a very brief update. More to come tomorrow, after X-MIL's birthday party.
XH arrived in a good mood tonight. He seemed MUCH more relaxed than the past 3 weeks. I told him so and said you must feel a lot less stressed with your mother out of the hospital (she was in and out for the last 2 weeks) and now that your office renovations are completed and you've finally moved back into your office. He nodded in agreement.
We played hard. XH won all the games except one, but I gave him some competition. Not a lot of chatting during the game because over the past few weeks, XH has been playing more intensely. Not much laughing and joking. I miss that. .....Not many openings to flirt either since there wasn't much chit chat. When I won the game I walked up to XH and took his head and pulled it into my shoulder and patted his head saying "There, there now. Don't be sad. You'll be OK." He played along, but when I lost and tried to cry on HIS shoulder, he kind of brushed me off.
I told XH about different things in my life to try to engage him in conversation (i.e. the investigation of my stolen wallet, the status of the patio tree, asked about his mother's health, showed him photos of my niece's 2 chihuahuas running on a treadmill (this was funny!)), but didn't get much of a reaction.
The only thing that seemed to trigger interest from XH was when we were walking to the car I told him I'd taken a French cooking class and had scheduled 2 more classes in the home of a professional chef who lives in our neighborhood. He perked up then and said "I didn't know you like French food." I said "I like everything French!" (We went to Paris on our honeymoon.) I told him about the wonderful olive oil and smoked Spanish paprika spice she'd introduced the class to. His eyes looked interested. This is odd since XH HATES cooking and used to complain if I asked him to rinse greens for a salad.
XH also appeared interested when I told him that I was "making" a birthday present for X-MIL. I told him it was a "craft project".
I DID get the sense that XH has broken up with GF#2. At the end of the game, as we were getting ready to leave the building I asked XH what was new with him. He said "Have you heard anything else from the person who sent the anonymous package?" I replied "You know who I think sent that package. You're welcome to look at it if you want." Then I asked how BMF and BMF's XW were getting along these days. XH said "BMF doesn't seem to mind that I'm in contact with his XW." Then I said "Do you need BMF's approval to socialize with people?" We dropped the convo after that and walked out of the building. I didn't put the pieces together until after leaving the building that XH probably asked me about the anonymous package because he thought if GF#2 sent it she might have contacted me after they broke up.
XH did seem a little subdued. Friendly and not depressed. Just not REALLY engaged in the fun.
I'll post after the birthday party tomorrow evening.
Keep doing what you're doing. It sounds as if change is occurring. Stick to your path and keep drawing him out. You're handling this well by mirroring XH.
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