Thanks so much for the inspirational words, they do mean a lot. I do the best with GALing as I can. The gym truly is my refuge right now. I spend a lot of time on here and talking to friends. There's more I need to do, but I allow myself the time and space to kind of feel my way through it.
When H is around, I am the picture of peace and happiness. I don't pursue any longer nor do I jump to answer the phone or a text. I try my best not to ask him for anything and just do for myself. I know that part is bothering him a little bit, but it's more about me understanding that I can do this on my own if I have to. I am trying not to let fear guide my thoughts and actions.
I almost tripped up today. When H called to tell me how he was hanging out with OW last night (he still thinks he's convinced me that nothing is going on), I almost freaked. I can't tell you why because I knew exactly where he was, but I was having a bad reaction. I just moved his story on and kept my mouth shut. I know he noticed that I hesitated and I will try to work on that a little more.
What's interesting is that he's decided to come home a day early. When he called this morning, he first txt'd me to see if I was awake. I didn't respond. Then he called, I didn't answer. Then he called again. He's definitely turning towards me more. I just can't figure out why. I've been warned about this by others, though that I need to stop trying to figure out the why's. I just am not very good at that right now.
Anyway, thanks for the words of wisdom. It really means a lot especially someone who's been at this for so long. You really are the picture of patience and love.
Lost, Congratulations! It sounds like your Db'ing might be working. Remember my earlier post, he is confused to. If he is on medication, using alcohol and losing weight, all is not well in his world either. But, be careful. Don't let his sudden turn toward you make you break from your DB'ing. Stick with it. If drop your DB'ing, he could turn back the other way. Let him suffer for awhile. He started this crap, let him eat some of it. Let him see how he likes it. I love the fact that you won't let him know what you are doing here. It is probably killing him and that is OK. Keep it up. I am so dang proud of you! Tonight, as you are getting ready for bed, stand in front of the mirror and openly congratulate yourself on a job well done. Let yourself feel good. You deserve it!!!!
Take care!
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Yes, I remember clearly what you told me. All is not well in his world. I try to remember that. And I must remember that I have to keep db'ing. Sometimes I can't stand him hurting and I do what I can to stop him from hurting. But one of my 180's has to be to stop coming to his rescue. He needs to stand on his own two feet.
He's called several times today already. I'm nursing yet another migraine and trying like heck to hide it from him. Given that he's got a spy in the house, not sure I'm going to be able to do that. He's pissy that I stopped one of my preventative medications. The stuff makes me depressed and given my situation right now, I really don't need to be helped along that path.
Yes, the computer thing is just downright hysterical. Everyone in the house is kind of wondering what I am up to. It's kind of driving them all crazy. Be mysterious, right? Well, I've got that one down. In my dating days, one could never really figure out what I was going to do next. Kind of like that right now. I'm on the computer constantly. When I'm not on the computer, I'm at the gym for a couple of hours. Of course, no one really believes I am at the gym for that long. Especially since he sends his spy in there. So where am I? I'm also on the phone a lot with friends and family. That is NOT like me at all. I HATE the phone. When someone calls, I go into the bathroom and talk. He's constantly showing up in the room and knocking on the door asking if I'm talking to him. And the constant stupid grin on my face has really got them all guessing. 2 times at work last week, it was mentioned that I was "glowing." Lord, if they only knew.
Of course, in my dating days, I was at a bar somewhere getting into some kind of trouble. These days, I think drinking is probably something I should stay away from right now. Plus I'm getting too old for that scene. I don't think I'd ever survive the way I ran 12 years ago
Gotta keep going. Not sure if it's working or he's feeling more relaxed that I am accepting of him walking out. Time will tell. I am getting better at detaching. I am also becming more comfortable with the idea of being alone. That part, I know, scares him. Unfortunately, he knows that I have the ability to walk away from someone and never look back. He watched me do it before. Not sure if he's prepared for it or looking forward to it.
You know as much as I accuse H of being all screwed up, I have to tell you that I pretty much am too. Can't figure out what I want anymore.
This seems to really be working for you. After reading so many post about pain I am happy to see somebody actually moving in the right direction, not there yet but atleast you moving that way.
Thought I would stop in here and read your sitch...sounds like you are doing better too. It definately feels weird when the WAS is doing all the contacting. It's at least worth an eyebrow raise. No real advice from me though...you've read my sitch and my H is doing some of the same stuff.
I will check on you and your sitch again though. I hope you have a great night!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement!!!!
Who knows what's working right now, you know? I don't trust him, I don't trust the situation and I don't even trust my own judgment. Given all of that, I just try to stick to the book and the advice as closely as possible.
He called first thing this morning. He's trying to get home a day early but it doesn't look like that will work out for him. Part of me is happy about that because I feel like I'm at peace for the moment instead of feeling like some sort of circus act. I was trying to explain that to my mom this weekend, but she is definitely not happy about my attitude. My mom is very much in favor of us working this out. That's a good thing. But she feels that I should not be doing some of the things that I am doing. She feels that if he is moving closer to me, that I should respond more. I'm trying to tell her that 1) I can't at the moment 2) Absolute wrong thing to be doing. She's acting out of love and I know that so I don't blame her. But its hard sometimes when people don't always understand what you're up to and how you're feeling.
You are right. People who see your pain want to find a solution to make you feel better. Some advocate divorce, others want you to rush into bandaging the R quickly, etc. I know the feeling. Many friends ask me to cut loose and move on with my life.
Only you know when it is right for you to move on. But until then, keep DBing, take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Change yourself outwardly and innwardly. Be the best New You. Remember, if you change, he will eventually change as well...
Joel
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Hang in there, Lost. Sounds like you are still doing great. Yes, be careful of the family and friends that want a quick fix. My grandmother calls me quite a bit and asks me, of all people, why I haven't made more of an effort to patch things up. I don't think she fully understands that my W did the walking, not me. She is old fashioned and doesn't realize that in this day and age, women will also do some of the walking. In her day, it was always the man.
Anyway, I just wanted to say "hey" and tell you to push on. I like where you are headed. I hope to be there soon too. Take care!
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Well, I had a panic attack today. He's coming home and I'm losing it. Something is really not right with me.
He didn't call me first thing this morning. That is completely different than the rest of the weekend. He did eventually call me.
Anyway, he called me late last night to say goodnight. When I asked what he did for the night, he gave me an answer that I knew he was lying. Now, he's been upfront about OW and being with her (although denying an affair). If he was with her last night, why lie about it? But sure as I am breathing right now, I know he was being deceitful about his whereabouts and who he was with last night. And, frankly, I'm just very angry about it.
He's pulling away again. Do I care? Yes, very much. But I have to go on. I promised to get off of this roller coaster and I have to for my own sanity. Tonight, another long workout. That should do the trick. It's pretty much my routine now. I go to work, I go to the gym, I come home and eat and spend some time on the phone with friends and family, then to sleep. When I am home, I'm almost always in my room. Last Friday, he was trying to pull me into the living room. I didn't go, of course. For exactly this reason because I knew I'd be back at the curb soon enough.
