Lighthouse lit till WAW comes out of fog.

[habitacker]

SIC, Well I am not sure I am detaching, at least not enough. I wish I had an answer for you.

I think I have started to burn myself out. At the beginning of this weekend, it was the first time I actually wanted to take the kids somewhere, and did not want her to go. I just didn't want to be around her if she is going to be so uncomfortable and tense. I want her to be with us more than anything in the world, but just not like this.

Well, that feeling was short lived. I went back to wanting to have her with us. My feelings change from day to day, but in some weird way, maybe this is a sign of me detaching.

As for having no R talk, which we have never had except for D-day, I want to really bad. What keeps me from doing it is fear. The one time I tried R talk is the first and only time I have heard her say, " I want a D, I don't love you,I don't need you. So everytime (almost all the time) I want to talk these words that hurt me so bad, keep me from doing it.

I have learned all this great stuff that I wish to share with her so she can learn also. I want to run to her with it. I always stop myself because I remember it hurt the last time. So I wait, I tell myself I will be able to talk to her sometime. If it gets to the end, I would hope she would at least give me the time to talk to her about what I have learned and how I feel.

If things get better with us, I can use the things I have learned in piecing.

It is so very hard, especially as a fixer, to find out all this wonderful info that explains so much of our problems and not be able to share it with her. It gets me so excited to see where my problems were coming from, and also hers.

Even if we don't end up together, I am going to try to talk to her about this stuff. The success of 2nd marriages is horrible. I want my W to be happy with or without me, and if she wishes to get married again, these things about her need to be addressed. If the problems of the 1st M are not fixed, they are just going to carry over to the 2nd.

As for now, in her eyes, all the problems are me, which at first I thought she was right. Far from it.

Remember when we are told in DB, Don't believe anything you hear, and 50% of what you see? This is what I think of when my W says she doesn't love me anymore, even though when she said it, I believe she thinks it, doesn't mean it is true.

My W said she hasn't loved me for 3 to 5 years. Which is it? See my point? She doesn't even know for sure. I think it was Truegritter a long time ago that pointed this out to me. When I posted this, he asked me, really? Are you sure about that? And that got me thinking, Don't believe anything you hear.

As for the daily connection? Do it. Do it in the best spirit you've got. It is all we have. These are interactions that most do not get. We still get to live with our W's. We get those interactions to make things right. So we better make them as pleasurable as possible. Do them with no R talk, because the R talk will just remind them of where you actually are. Why remind them? They are still here, still in our homes, still in our lives, why? who cares, just don't push and give them a reason or excuse to move on and justify what they are doing.

Now, for the physical connection, Ha, suffer with the rest of us.