Positively moving forward

[awest1217]

Record one day snowfall...32.1inches in 24 hours. I got to the store today, but before that I fell down or really slipped down the basement stairs. I am ok. Just a scraped arm and a bruised butt.

Today I feel happy. I got myself a chia tea latte from panera, a rare occasion, because I saved a ton on groceries and did so much this weekend. It felt good to do that for myself.

Wish I had one more day off because I know tomorrow I will be sore. At least next weekend is a 3 day weekend for MLK day and tomorrow my students are reviewing for a test so I don't have to move too much in case I am hurting.

[BeingMe]

We got a bunch of snow last night too. Quite rare in our area. Isn't it nice to spoil yourself when you have achieved something positive?!

[ClingingToHope]

All of that missed us over here in Illinois. Very little snow on the ground and that's rare for Illinois.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, that's crazy. I can't imagine all that snow. It doesn't snow here, so the only way I get to see snow is to drive 2-3 hours up to the mountains.

I'm glad you are standing up to H now. You have been nice to him in order to not rock the apple crate for so long (which was fine when you had your marriage saving goals), but now that he wants nothing to do with it, you have to continue to tell him as it is. Just keep driving the fact that for S's sake, he needs to be all in 150%, or just get out when it comes to being a dad. This inconisistency seems more damaging to S than if he just wasn't there at all.

Regarding the dreams and wanting a guy, that's completely understandable as we are by nature companion creatures. Is this guy your thinking about even an option (when the D is complete and you are emotionally ready to move forward)? Is he available and someone that could be a good role model for S? Not that you just can't dream, but you just wouldn't want to become too attached to an idea, if it's not even a possiblility (esp when it's an actually person as compared to just some made up dream guy).

Glad everything is going well. Hope you are not too hurt from your falls. BTW, how is S doing with his nightmares? Is he still waking up every night?

[awest1217]

More snow on its way, but I think most of the lake effect (that is what got us this week) is going to stay just west of where I am so that is good for my arms. lol.

About the guy, the dreams have stopped. It is someone who is good for S, but not someone I could actually date. Really there is no one for me to date right now so whomever I date it will probably be someone from another city and someone I don't know right now.

With S, he is doing better this week, but he hasn't been with H either. The nightmares usually happen right after H has him. H did call S yesterday and S talked to him so that was good, but once again I don't know how long this will last. I get after H and then he is good for a week or two and then something more important comes up and he goes a week or two without ever talking to him. S did say something this morning about spending the night at daddy's (another issue in itself because H isn't living at his parents and is lying to S which is not a good way to have a relationship because children pick up on that a lot more than we do although they are also more forgiving). I asked "do you want to spend the night at daddy's?" He right away said NO!. I asked do you want to go to daddy's and play then come home to sleep and he said yes. I think pushing it on S was bad so now it will be a while before he even tries again.

Tomorrow I have parent teacher conferences, but it is the last one for the year so that is good. I can't believe that we are half way through the year already. Before I know it, it will be the end of February and I will be starting my last trimester for the year. It is exciting, but that also means going back to school to keep up my liscense. I am deciding between trying to take a technology class and taking a reading comprehension class. Both are very big right now in my school so I will just wait to see what is offered and when.

With the D, I haven't heard anything from my L. I told her some dates that would be good for a mediation/property meeting so we can get this done. The way it sounds is if it comes to that and we both agree that it will be it. We will both sign and be done that day which will be great because I just want to move on. The bad part is if it takes that long, we will still be married on Valentine's day and I was hoping I would at least have an opportunity to go out on a date that weekend if we were done, but we will see.

As I said above, I am sore from falling/shovelling, but all is good. My students have a test today and tomorrow starts my favorite 3 weeks of the trimester (naming and balancing equations), then there is two weeks and then the week of finals. Crazy! Science Fair at the end of January.

[awest1217]

We got about 2 more inches yesterday and it looked like about 0.5 inch overnight. I am hoping we don't get too much today because I won't be home until 8 and won't be able to shovel.

H didn't call S last night like he had told S, but no big deal. Luckily, S still does not completely understand time so not a problem.

S got upset this morning because I won't be picking him up from school because of conferences. He cried, but mommy I want you and then wanted me to cuddle him this morning which I couldn't do for too long because I had to go to work. I let him know I will get him ASAP after my meetings. He said don't go to your meetings. S was fine once he got to school and was excited about going to my parents. He always has fun there and doesn't really get to hang out with my parents during the school year. I know he will be ok, but this constant needing me has gotten really bad again. He once again will not fall asleep unless I am right next to him and we had gotten to a place where at least I could put him to bed (in my bed still) and I could go do some me stuff for about an hour and he would be asleep when I got to bed. Now he won't go to sleep until I am right next to him. I even started putting him to bed a little earlier so we can read a book and cuddle before he goes to sleep, but now he falls asleep on me or holding my hand. He is always worried and that is sad to me. I am sure he will be fine and will get out of this just like last year.

I am hoping I can get him back into his bed once it gets warmer. I think part of him wanting to sleep in my bed is that it is slightly warmer. He did say something about wanting a big bed so maybe moving him to a twin or full bed will be good. I don't know, but I will have to think about it.

Not looking forward to conferences, but hopefully it goes quickly. I am looking forward to the food because they always give us stuff to nibble on during this and it is usually good stuff, especially the carmel chocolate chunk cookies.

[awest1217]

Not much going on here. I am doing really well and everything is normal.

After H saying how he wants to be more involved, he checked on S one time last week. He went to an outlet mall last monday (I am thinking it was the OH one he went to with OW last year). It bugged me a bit, but it got over it quickly. He bought S some clothes and asked what I needed (what is with him buying me stuff?). I said I didn't want anything. He dropped it off last Tuesday and S wanted nothing to do with him. S had a toy that needed fixed and had to pass H to get to me. H said he would do it and he said "no mommy". H did try to call S Friday, but S said he didn't want to talk. WE are going to try having S spend the night again this weekend. I have the science fair on Saturday morning so I will be leaving my house at 6:30 am. S says he wants to spend the night, but we will see.

S has been somewhat clingy, but getting a little better. It comes in large waves.

Still nothing on the D, which means H is stalling again. I don't understand why. I have asked him if he still wants to get a D and he never responds. Usually he just says, "i will talk to my L", and that is it so I don't know what is going on. I do know he posted on a mutual friend's video of church about how he "missed it". He started talking to this friend again. It is good because he needs other friends besides OW, but still why now. What is going on? Does he want to try again? Does he still want to be with OW? I just don't get it and I have been trying not to think about it and just keep on doing what I do. If he did want to try it would be an uphill battle for him, and I don't think he has the strength and resolve to do it. First and foremost trying to fix things with me, then also with S and S allowing H to spend time with me, and then my family and friends. Would I try if he asks? Probably, we would start with counselling and go from there.

I just don't know what to think or expect anymore. I am not worrying about it much, but those are questions I have going through my mind everyday that I check the mail and still nothing. Oh, and he bought me girl scout cookies and wants to drop them off sometime. He is making excuses to come over extra when he could just drop them off when he picks S up Friday or drops him off Saturday. All strange...

Really I am not focusing on that. Right now I am still busy, busy. Science Fair this weekend, plus getting things ready for the new quarter of sunday school. Also some awesome things are happening at church which has me very excited. After this weekend things will calm down a bit so that will be nice. Just living my life and being happy with it. I remember where I was last year and I am so happy to be where I am today because I am happy with everything

[Lucky11too]

So good to hear you are doing well. I understand a lot of the uncertainity with H b/c I definitely feel that as well. I'm dealing with his deep depression too, but I'm just wondering how it will all turn out. But like you said - all one step at a time. For you, just continuing to move forward with the D and living your life and if anything should change, you can start from there (but you're right, MC is always an excellent start should things change).

It's defintely tought with our S's too. A lot of the things your S says and does are the same things my S does. I feel bad for H when he wants to be involved with S and S wants nothing to do with him (I keep hearing the same "no talk" or "no, mommy do it" too), but it's kind of like, what do you expect. There's consequences for one's actions. They've chosen not to be really involved in their lives, so our S's are not really attached to them. They just miss out on so much though. S kept doing the cutest things this weekend and I just kept thing, how could anyone ever miss this? S just kept making my heart smile. =)

Good luck on the science fair!

[awest1217]

Still nothing from the L, and with science fair and the end of a quarter in Sunday school I have not had a chance to call. According to H, not that I believe anything he says, he talked to his L and he was supposed to send some information to him Tuesday, but my L told me that we were supposed to have the property agreement the first week of January so has H not even seen a draft of the property agreement with his changes in it yet? Annoying.

I will definitely call next week when things calm down a bit on my end. The second week of February I will be a little calmer, but then I will be preparing for third trimester so that will be nice.

Things are still going well. S is supposed to spend the night with H tomorrow, but I am doubting that will happen. S says he wants to spend the night, but then says how he wants to come home to sleep. I don't think he understands what it means when you say spend the night so we will see. Either way I am out of the house by 6:30 am Saturday morning to get to the school to prepare the science fair and by 1 pm that day it will all be over and I will get to relax a bit...if the online registering works...

[awest1217]

Quick update:

The science fair went well. I am not just monitoring to be sure everyone registers for the Regional fair, but that is not too bad.

I am almost done getting decorations together for the Sunday school, but by Sunday I have to take down and redecorate. It wouldn't have been so bad except I was snowed in yesterday.

Yesterday we didn't have school and everything was closed due to the Blizzard of 2011. I have so much snow piled on my yard from shovelling. I wish I could have played in the snow, but it too almost 2 hours to shovel out, with help from my mom and sister. I shoveled for 1.5 hours just on my driveway, then when I got to the bottom I had 3+ ft of snow packed down from the plough at the end of my driveway and all along my front sidewalk so I worked for a half an hour on that, and barely got anything done. I got overwhelmed and almost started crying so I called my mom and she and my sister came to help. We got it done in 20 minutes I had a 2 hour delay this morning due to the cold and probably 2 hour delay tomorrow as the temp at bus pick-up will be below zero without the wind chill.

Called the L this morning. She has heard nothing since Jan 6. They are going to call some time this week and send a letter. Then if nothing we will have to have a 4 way meeting. I don't understand why H won't get this done! I am not getting really frustrated because he won't do anythign to get this D over. He hasn't gotten car insurance. He hasn't done anything with his L. He hasn't even changed his address. He did the forward mail thing at the post office, but the 6 months is up and he hasn't changed his address at the companies, like the bank and work and credit card so now all that mail comes to me...again. I don't get it.

H had off today and you would think that since he wants to be more involved he would call and ask to have S today for the day, but he didn't. My mom called and asked, but I said no since she already had my two older nephews. I just don't get it. H has been better about checking in with S about twice a week, but when you have an extra day off and I don't wouldn't you want to have your kid extra? I just hate saying one thing and doing another.

Finally, S did spend the night when I had the science fair and did great. He did call me once during teh day and kept saying that he missed me, but was not sad. I think he understands taht he will get to see me again so it is not a problem. Plus he knew I was at work so he was ok with it. I don't know if he will be ok with it if he will be there and I am having fun, but he did well so I am happy

I am doing ok. I did get sad yesterday because I wished I had help. Everyone around me had one parent inside while the other shoveled or had two people to help, but I am alone and more and more feel I always will be because H is being a butt. I know this won't last and I am sure some of it is due to V-day coming up and our 12 year anniversary of dating on Feb 12. I know this will pass, but a little down. Plus with all the snow and the cold temps I am definitely getting the winter blues. Overall though, not bad, just normal down.