Lighthouse lit till WAW comes out of fog.

[habitacker]

dbmod, michelle says marriage breakthrough can be used by one. First post under "michelle's books and tapes". This is where I saw success stories of people who showed it to their spouses.

2stepboogie, done it a couple of times. She has never had an ounce of jealousy in her life. I believe by small comments she made on bomb day, that she wants me to find someone else. This would make what she is doing easier. Thanks for the thought.

[habitacker]

^^^

[habitacker]

Wife had to work today until 2. At 2 I loaded up the kids and took them to a indoor water park. I wanted my W to come home to a empty house so she could have some time to herself.
Her brother showed up with his kids, and everyone had a great time. I even caught myself checking out a few hotties. I am only human.
We got home around 6:30 and W was in the basement on the computer as usual. I found it strange that she never called or anything to find out where the kids were. Then she told me she had talked to her mom and that she told her where we were. Her mom had been watching the kids in the morning.
She almost sounded a little fussy, like I should of left a note or something. I had thought about it, but said the heck with it because she never leaves me one.

The rest of the evening was typical. Same as usual.

Not to long ago everyone went to bed. I really did not want to even get on the computer tonight. For some reason I was avoiding this site. Maybe just burnt out.

I spent about an hour with my dog. He is a german shepard that is afraid to go down steps. So I sit at the bottom of the steps, and he drops his ball down, and I throw it back up. WoW.

I felt like Steve McQueen in the movie the Great Escape. When he keeps getting thrown in the prison camp cooler, and bounces his baseball against the wall for months at a time just to occupy himself in prison. If anyone has seen the movie they would know what I am talking about.

Anyway, it is a really exciting Saturday night. Basically a blizzard out, and I don't want to do anything anyway. When the weather is like this I am supposed to be stuck in the house, having a romantic time, and ML to my wife. Man I want to go into that bedroom so bad. I even miss the way our bedding feels. I have never thought about something like that before. I will not go in though, I am to scared of whatever that thing is in my bed.(just kidding)

Tomorrow, W teaches sunday school before church, and then I go to church. (by myself). Afterwards I was thinking of taking the kids somewhere again, weather permitting.

The thing is my W would probably come along, but I don't think I want her to. I mean, I want her to, but not the way she is now. I am tired of it, she is so tense and uncomfortable, it ruins it.

If she wants to come, which she usually does, what should I do? What if I tell her I would rather she doesn't? Or, if you are coming with, you need to be positive and get over this tense stuff around me, and try to be happy, otherwise you just make me tense, and that just ruins it for everybody. That is what I would love to say, but I am sure I will be told not to.

Well gonna stop there. Bring on another day.

[habitacker]

I wanted to admit to some snooping I did. I feel bad that I had to do this to someone I have trusted with all my heart for 20 years.

She is just on the computer so much that I had to know.

The good news? There is no bad news.

[sandi2]

what should I do? What if I tell her I would rather she doesn't? Or, if you are coming with, you need to be positive and get over this tense stuff around me, and try to be happy, otherwise you just make me tense, and that just ruins it for everybody. That is what I would love to say, but I am sure I will be told not to.

For sure, you'd be told not to. If she had a disease that made her feel this badly, would you think she ruins it for everyone? It's not fun being around a depressed person but a lot depends upon the way you deal with it.

Unless a person has been in that dark place of depression, thyroid disorder, and other physical problems that effect the mood or personality...you just cannot understand what it's like.

If you are in the LRT, then you have to get your focus off of her and you have to stop with the expectations. It has been a short time. What if this were to take up to two years....how are you going to hang in there if you can't do it for two months? You want to see some type of action from her...but if she's not in the frame of mind where she can produce what you want from her....then what?

Has your W told you that she really wants to work in the MR to make it better....or did she just agree that the two of you needed to do that? If she has committed, then you may have to occasionally tell her,"Look, I really need you to work with me here". You don't get off into a R talk....you just say, "I could use some help right now". You don't do it to pick a fight and you keep it short and simple. "W, I need you to help me show the kids a really great time today". You need it to work kind of like pouring cold water in her face. A reminder to her that it needs to be teamwork and you can't do it all by yourself.

If she has not committed to working, then you certainly do not need to expect her to make baby-steps forward. The only time you need to even look for baby-steps is if you are in piecing. So....are you in the LRT or Piecing?

[sandi2]

There are positives in your stitch. Be very thankful there is no A. She hasn't left the home. She goes along on family outings. Try to think of the positives when you are feeling so down.

What can you do that brings laughter to her? Even if it's just for a minute, laughter is like good medicine.

Does she get tickled when watching you play with the kids? Does she enjoy comedy movies? How does she interact with other couples?

[Denver_2010]

I spent about an hour with my dog. He is a german shepard that is afraid to go down steps. So I sit at the bottom of the steps, and he drops his ball down, and I throw it back up. WoW.

I felt like Steve McQueen in the movie the Great Escape. When he keeps getting thrown in the prison camp cooler, and bounces his baseball against the wall for months at a time just to occupy himself in prison. If anyone has seen the movie they would know what I am talking about.

That's funny! I feel like Robert Deniro's character in Cape Fear. At the beginning of the movie he is in his cell doing time, but he is working out and educating himself nonstop... so that he's prepared when he is paroled!

I feel like I'm doing 'bad husband' time. Unfortunately, I don't know if or when I get paroled. But I am going to do the same self improvement that Deniro did!!

If she wants to come, which she usually does, what should I do? What if I tell her I would rather she doesn't? Or, if you are coming with, you need to be positive and get over this tense stuff around me, and try to be happy, otherwise you just make me tense, and that just ruins it for everybody. That is what I would love to say, but I am sure I will be told not to.

Well gonna stop there. Bring on another day.

I just wouldn't have invited her Habit. I mean are you two separated or not? Rhetorical question there. But that would be my mindset if I were in the same home as my W but we were 'separated'. You have to make her miss you. I think that inviting her is pursuing.

BITS!
Denver

[habitacker]

LRT or piecing? Not really sure. I thought I was in LRT. W told me she hasn't loved me for 3 to 5 years, doesn't need me, and wants a divorce, nothing has been said since about R or M.

She went to MC once at the beginning of all this over 4 months ago, found out later that it was just because I wanted her to. She just went to tell MC she wanted a D.

I am very thankful for all the postitive things about our sitch that you mentioned. Also I find it positive that she has not done anything as far as moving on with the D. This is where I am confused. What am I actually supposed to be doing?

Sometimes I have the feeling that she is waiting for me to do something, but I don't trust that feeling. I have been dead set against going to her with R talk.

I have said many times that my W keeps everthing deep inside, avoids any confrontation. This has a lot to do with what got us here. I am sure most LBS's can see how there W tried to get through to them after the bomb, it opened their eyes. I look now, and still can't find anything, that is how deep she holds her feelings in.

Because of this, I feel my W will never come to me with R talk. The urge may come, but she won't do it.

I would love to say I have plenty of patience to wait her out and have her come to me, but I fear she won't, not because she doesn't want to, but because she avoids it and hides from things like this so much. For example: Has never argued with me about anything in 20 years, although I tried to get her to.

But then again, she might just be done. I don't know where she stands. If she actually wants the D, why are we in limbo? Which again brings the question, LRT or piecing?

[sandi2]

It appears that she is in limbo about everything.

It's my understanding that to be in Piecing...both are willing to work at rebuilding the M. So, if your W has not said anything about staying, working, rebuilding, whatever...I would not consider it piecing. She is just going through the motions of getting through each day, and that's about all.

So, being in the LRT, you do things a bit differently. This is a woman who may decide to leave without a word of notice. This is a woman who is mentally depressed and fogged out as a WAW. This is a person who you should not expect any responses from any of your actions. It is as if she is dead on the inside.

The last thing you need to do is try to get her in a R talk. I understand how frustrating it is when your S don't talk. Believe me, I know!

I always thought that talking things out was how you solve problems, but some people do not agree, so how or what do you do then?

You just start living as if you are okay. You are working things out in your life. You do not "have" to have talks about the MR in order to continue going forward.

Listen, if this woman wants to keep things buried or pent up inside of her.....what can you do about it? If you try to force her to get it out, that's not going to work. I've been there....I know.

[habitacker]

Thanks so much sandi. Everything you said is where I believe she is at, but because of the lack of communication I find myself wanting to know for sure.

You and I are both guessing. With the expeience you have of being a, or almost a WAW, and me actually being around my W, and everything we have learned from this forum and DB, I suppose that is the best we can do at this point.

I have this fear that someday she is going to end it because I never tried to talk to her, or try to fix the marriage.

If things do get better, I think it might have to be done the way it is going now. Because she keeps it all inside so much, she will just go day to day, and if things get better they do, and if they don't, they don't.

This is fine I guess, but it seems like such a shame when there is so much I have learned about us that should be discussed. Things that would help so much, and make things a whole lot easier.

MrBond has mentioned that his W has never had R talk in over a year. I don't know if she ever told him if she would work on the M or not, but maybe this is what he is talking about? I just live, make whatever changes I want to make, and see what happens.

I guess this "limbo" is good, things are not getting worse, but not knowing where we are at, or what we are doing really stinks. Although I understand it isn't her fault, but this really seems like such a stupid way to do things, especially when lack of communication is a huge reason we are here in the first place.