A slow turn

[Bolt]

just still updating.
Got great vibes on the phone and through texts from W yesterday and today.

She spent a good amount of time with her mom (who has my back). She called me to say W is way into the R and wants it to work. I think her going back home has done her wonders.

She even went out with a bunch of her HS friends since she didn't go to her 20th reunion. It turned out just as I planned. She kept saying that she felt she "missed out" on things in life because she did things the right way. She wanted to go out to a bar, have some drinks, sing karoke, go dancing. She was romanticizing it quite a bit.

Well, she went out friday night and only made it to midnight (about 9pm cali time - her home time). She had an opportunity to go out karoke and she turned it down. She essentially did what she normally would have done - it's who she is! So I wasn't surprised.

Last night, she saw all of her friends and then went to a club after. It was cool because she texted me about 12:30 (a little tipsy - so I dig that she texted ME) and said that the scene was pretty pathetic. I was out cold - not been sleeping too well so I went out early. I wasn't a great texter back but she continued a little bit.

She called the next morning a bit hungover and NOT happy about it. She didn't like to drink anyway because of the hangovers. Nothing like getting it out of your system. I tried to clarify what she meant by pathetic and she did. She said it was nothing but a ton of girls that were way to heavy to be wearing the clothes they were and only a handful of dudes that looked like mid-forty year old losers. She used the word desperate and said, glad I don't have to be a part of that scene.

That was all I needed (AND what I expected). She got to see first hand what could happen to her social life if she went through with the D (the word D hasn't come up in a few weeks either).

My therapist said that she feels the W stopped maturing past high school and that she needed to get through it. I think going back and seeing friends really helped her through it. Seeing what her life could be really sobered her up (not literally).

Needless to say, she called and texted me about 4 times today. That is unprecedented! We had great conversations and even talked about the R. She seems very willing to make it work - even though she says she's not sure it will - I say that too! BUT at least she's in the game - all I could ask.

She drove to TN to see her sis and dad. Her sis and I have gotten very close recently and she is on the side of keeping the family together - something she hasn't been on for a very long time. She has now heard the entire story and knows that it isn't just me; it's both of us.

Anyway, her sis texted me after W left (she's staying close to where her interviews are) and she told me that I have nothing to worry about. The R is going to be fine. W really needed to find herself and it seems that she is on the way to doing that. Guys, she is so much happier that she has a purpose and wants to make it work. I couldn't have asked for anything else.

I just need to stay the course on being the guy that I am becoming. Listen to what she says. Respect her. TRUST HER (sis reiterated that there is nothing going on - she just likes to text) and be compassionate and thoughtful.

Not to be too long but I wanted to add something that I did today that I feel makes her truly believe I'm changing.

She called to vent because she was driving a long distance and got turned around and went the wrong way. She only wanted to vent. The OLD BOLT (that's me when I was selfish and didn't listen or care about others) would probably have tried to fix the problem. NEW BOLT listened. He said, "That sux!" and "Aww baby, I'm sorry!"

It was amazing! She calmed down. Didn't seem stressed. Even asked about my day. I really wish I would have learned this a loooong time ago. By listening and giving the other partner what they really want, you will get a ton back in return.

Guys(and gals!), let's keep each other on the right track to stay strong and get a better life!

[Bolt]

one last little thing about the texts.

I've been thinking long and hard about this one.

First - there is nothing going on. I'm 1000% convinced of this. Other family members are this convinced and KNOW that she has no time, desire or need to have an OM. This guy is simply a sounding board that is her best take on what guys think. As a matter of fact, he has wanted to contact me to help. He's been my biggest champion. He's in a committed relationship as well. I totally trust my W with this.

Now the hard part. I find I get into trouble when I let my mind wander. I think into things waaay too much. I make something out of nothing. THAT could backfire and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I could actually push her into him if I keep calling EA!

So I have to stop looking at records. I know there are still going to be texts and I don't care. I just don't want to know about them anymore. It's that simple.

NOW- I'm not turning a blind eye either. Once she gets back, I am going to talk about her keeping me in the loop. Something she has always done - heck she shows me a bunch of texts too. I want to tell her that if it even REMOTELY starts to head in a bad direction to let me know.

We're both very open about this. I've had an EA with an assistant and told W about everything. I now see the pain I caused and will NEVER do that again. I think once we heal more, she will see the pain and either cut it off or cut it back. I really see that she is using this person as a sounding board/friend.

Another thing that convinces me is her Mom flat out asked her, when we first brought up D - is one of you having an A?! (She used much more colorful language) W said that she didn't think I was and said that she wasn't. She said she had way to many other problems to deal with than to deal with another man. She said not only that but she wasn't interested in anyone. That wasn't really the problem in our R. It wasn't that she was looking for someone else to find attractive. She wanted our sitch to work but felt we were running out of time.

anyway...I appreciate the comments as always.

I just feel we're on the right path. Don't let me stray!!!

[Bolt]

W is still in Tenn but seems very tired and wants to come home. R talk came up and I told her that if she truly wanted the R to work, she had to stop the texting. She agreed and said she had already slowed it way down. I said it had to stop and she agreed, really without a thought.

She has told me that she wants the R to work most of the time. I wasn't sure what that meant and she said that she didn't when the Old Bolt came back.

I did tell her that she has to pull one brick out of that wall so I can slowly come back in. It is a slow process and I want her to see that we have both changed for the better of the R. She seemed open but without seeing her face, I can't tell.

I've been detaching and it does make her call me and talk to me. I have to keep it going and not expect anything.

[Denver_2010]

Sounds like you are doin great Bolt! Nice job man! The NEW DENVER wants to be like the NEW BOLT!

BITS
Denver

[Bolt]

W was driving from TN back to OH and called. We ended up chatting for over an hour. Holy cow, she was a completely different person. Talking about the future - more importantly, OUR future. Quite a change. She had such joy in her voice that it gave me hope.

But it also gives me resolve. I am going to buckle down and make this change permanently. I think she finally realizes that I am willing to do whatever it takes to save this R. She would ask if I would really move from California and I said yes. I think deep down, she didn't believe it. Well, now she does and I can feel a big relief off her head. My career is so secondary right now - it's scary but I'm enjoying life for the first time in a long time.

Crazy...

Denver...I mean...NEW DENVER Keep it up. You know one thing that I did was start daily goals. I make them the night before and then follow them the next day. It has really helped me maintain focus and patience.

Now, I feel the real tests begin

[FellOnBlackDays]

Bolt,
You are my new inspiration. Seriously, it sounds like you are on the right track. You did the right things, my man. You gave her the space she wanted, she found out that the grass is not greener and now she is ready to work on your M. Sounds great! The best part is that the two of you will come into your M as somewhat "new" people. New Bolt with his new outlook and new W with her new outlook. But, stay focused. Start reading the part of DR that talks about coming back together and stopping the backslides.

Man, I got a lump in my throat reading your posts. You are close enough to the goal line to actually see it ahead. I am so happy for you and I can only hope to be where you are some day. Don't leave us yet though. Stay with us after things are good again and let us know what works to keep things on track. Please keep the positive vibes coming. It is nice to hear of folks turning a corner even though I still have a way to go.

So far, it looks like: BITS = 1 WAS's = 0

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[ironMan]

Great job, BOLT. I'm especially proud of you being strong and telling her that the texting had to stop. No more Mr. Nice Bolt.

[Bolt]

Thanks FOBD! For both the kind words and the support!
I hope to give inspiration for sure. I will not leave these boards for this is a very long and hard journey for sure.

It's funny because since I feel I'm taking the next step, I wanted to really start speaking her love language so I read the book The 5 Love Languages and noticed that she had filled out the questionnaire at the end. I saw what her love language (primary and secondary, actually) and put them into place immediately.

I sent her a text right before I went to bed and said that I rolled over and put my arms around a pillow because I thought it was her. I said, "I guess that means I miss you :)"

She responded with a smile. I know that she feels love when she hears those things. I'm not usually one to gush like that (with others like co-workers, I am - weird) with her I'm changing.

You know what I realized? That if I give her what she needs, I will get back what I need ten fold

[MrBond]

Not to be party pooper, but an emotional connection with a woman is serious business. There has to be total transparency with her texts.

If she starts hemming and hawing, ask her if the sitch was on the other foot and she thought you were hiding something, would she like it if you didn't offer her full disclosure?

Be smart by being aware. Ask anyone on here whose spouse had or is having an A. They'll tell you that before that, they were the most trustworthy people around.

H's and W's don't have anything to hide from each other. Period.

[mj144]

Keep it up Bolt! Wish I could be like you when I grow up.

B.I.T.S.