I WILL Attain my Goals - Personal and M

[Denver_2010]

This is a process.

You will go through a range of emotions.

Feel them.

Own them.

They are good.

Why?

Because they propel you forward.

Your pain will guide you through this. It will tell you when you are still attached.

I know that you right Grit. Some days are just so much worse than others. My pain most definitely tells me that I am still attached.

You are hanging hope on expected outcomes you do not control.

Place your faith in the ones you can control. The ones for you.

Now is the time to determine what kind of man you want to be and move in that direction with all your courage.

Is this the hill you want to die on?

No. This will not be the hill that I die on. I am resilient. Need to lose the 'expected outcomes.'

Thanks Grit.

[Denver_2010]

A couple of things, the information you have, is it accurate? To be honest it is in your best interest to assume it is, affairs are highly likely, but you also want to make sure it is 100% true, not just 100% likely.

FOBD - No worries on not being available much this weekend. I wasn't either. On top of that, my ability to post has been severely limited by the moderators. So my posts to you and the other BITS are probably showing up 3 pages back on your threads! I want to be here for all of you though, just like you all have been for me. Going to catch up on your thread in a bit.

J3B - Thanks for weighing in. Your post is somewhat of a beacon of hope on an otherwise dreary weekend for me.

You are correct, I am not 100% certain that PA/R is happening or that it is even likely. I am assuming the worst. I had had a feeling that sitch with OM had diminished or was gone entirely. I was wrong. I jumped to some huge assumptions yesterday bc I was so severely hurt that my feeling had been wrong. Like Grit and others have said, I attached expectations to my hope. Big mistake. But so is making assumptions.

I really know nothing more after this weekend than I did prior to it... other than that the feeling that I had, which wasn't based on any facts, was wrong.

The other thing:

Why am I going through this emotional torture for this woman???

My take on getting through this, is you aren't. You aren't doing this for her, you are doing this for yourself. You are doing this not to be cockold or a doormat, your doing this not because she didn't live up to her vows, but because you can live up to yours.

Damn straight this is why I am going through this! Thank you for reminding me J3B. Why on earth would one choose to go through this pain if it were not a matter of personal integrity... the worthiness of our word... the veracity of our vows to be with someone through good times and bad?

Marriages can survive an affair, they can become stronger afterward...that's the hope Denver, that's where your hope should lie.

It can be done Denver,you can do it, despite how you feel at the moment.

That IS where my hope is J3B. I HOPE that my M survives and is rebuilt to be much stronger. I KNOW that this is where my heart is... and what my intentions are.

[zengypsy]

So time for a new threat! Here are my 2 first threads if you want to catch up!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...113#Post2115113

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2118989&page=1

My goals:

1. Become a better person;
2. Learn to control my ego;
3. Learn what love means to me;
4. Learn to love my W unconditionally;
5. To become a better H;
6. Learn to be more in control of my personal happiness;
7. Understand my share in the breakdown of my M;
8. To be resilient through the worst disaster of my life - the breakdown of M;
9 To be strong and confident through this;
10. To maintain hope no matter how dark things may become in the future.

Thanks to everyone who has provided me with support and advice as I have progressed to this point in my journey.

Denver

GREAT goals Denver. I applaud you. I am really going to weigh yours because you've given me some insight on what I need to keep doing.

Peace to you my friend.

[2stepboogie]

Hey Denver,

You seem to be in a much clearer mind set tonight. How are you feeling?

[zengypsy]

Denver - Just catching up with your sitch. I'm sorry you are having bad time. Remember....our spouses are aliens right now. THEY don't know what they are doing even tho they think they have their _hit together. They don't. Buried issues from childhood re-surface in adulthood.

It's totally gut wrenching I know to find that our spouses are possbily with other people. When I found out my H was on every free on-line dating site there is (accounts are disabled at the moment), I felt sick for weeks and months. To be so easily dismissed just messes with your head. I'm pretty sure he dated and is dating now.

Just remember we are all here for you. STAY STRONG. Re-group and focus on those fab goals you listed earlier in your thread. You have made me take a second look at them. You will be the winner in the end no matter which way it turns out and I wish nothing for the best for you because you deserve it.

Sending you hugs!

[Denver_2010]

Hey Denver,

You seem to be in a much clearer mind set tonight. How are you feeling?

2step - Better. Emotionally exhausted after long weekend. Update soon. Thanks man!

[Denver_2010]

1/19/11

I left a bill in mailbox for W to pay with our Health Insurance Card since we only have one card and she has it. W has not had her mail forwarded so she picks it up from our mailbox every few days. I left a note asking her to fill out the info and mail it in for me. I was really specific on what I was asking her to do and she knows what our health ins card is and that she has the only one.

W called me regarding the bill this evening even though the note was pretty clear as to what I needed her to do. She asked me what I was talking about re the health ins card. I explained. We ended up having a 21 minute conversation about everything that has been going on in her life over the past week or so. It began with me asking her how things were going.
The coversation flowed very nicely. She had 4 shows last week and photoshoot all in addition to her teaching job. She has been very busy bc she is having money problems. In addition, she is starting a glee club at the middle school where she teaches. She seemed very excited while telling me about it.

I tried 2 times to end the conversation so that I'd be the one to do it, but she kept on talking. I finally ended it on my 3rd attempt.

This was the best conversation that she and I have had in months! There was no R talk nor were we conversing like two married people, but it was very friendly. I think that I may be moving into a good spot with at least being friends with W again. This feels exciting... like progress!

Baby steps!

1/20/11 - 1/21/11

NO CONTACT

1/22/11

text initiated by W

"any chance yo'd be willing to get my mail later and bring it when we meet? I can bring SS to you. I can meet you or drop him off around 5. Does that work?"

I waited about 3 hours to respond. I called her instead of texting her back.

We worked out where to meet for me to get SS.

I asked her if she was doing ok. She said that she was but was a little sick this weekend. Said that she baby sat her niece last night. I said, “I thought that you went ice skating with SS” (I had exchanged text msgs with SS last night and he said he was ice skating with W). She “no, that she hadn’t gone. That SS had gone with OM”. I said “who” and she repeated the name. I said, “oh, I see.... ok... well, I will let you go and see you in a while.”
---------------

This the first mention of OM in weeks. I think that I had myself convinced that that was over bc FIL had said he had not seen him around and bc W has been so busy that it didn't seem that she was making time for that.

This is a huge let down for me.

It has been an interesting week for me and my sitch. I quoted previous updates from the week (above) with this post so it is all here.

Further Update/Journal

Afternoon of 1/22/11

Met W and SS at restaurant close to where SS takes drum lessons.

W and SS get out of her car and walked over to me. SS gives me a big bear hug. W began to talk to me about a problem SS is having with a gift that I got him for xmas. We talked about that a little.

W then noticed that I had ice and snow on my car. She asked me how I got ice and snow on my car when I park in our garage every night. I guess she's become a detective over the past couple of months!! I told her that I spent Friday night sleeping on the couch in my office. W knew that I had gone to a concert on Friday night. W then asked me why I needed to sleep at my office. I explained to her that I had been drinking, that the concert was close to my office and I didn't want to drive or cab it the 25 miles to our home.

W asked me who I went to concert with. I told her that I went with 'friends'. She asked which friends and I told her people that she doesn't know. She immediately got flustered and looked like she was going to throw up. It was clear that she immediately thought that I had slept at my office with another woman. She turned around and began walking to her car. As she was walking away, I said "what's the matter?" She said "nothing.. have good time" and got into her car.

SS and I went into the restaurant and he began to play some video games. A few minutes later, W called my cell phone. She wanted to 'remind' me not to talk to SS about our sitch or try to get info out of him re her life. That she doesn't want him to be in that position. She was very irritated as she was talking to me. Clearly upset about the convo about me going to concert with people that she doesn't know and spending the night at my office.

I told her that of course I wasn't going to bring SS in the middle of our sitch. This was something that we had discussed a couple of weeks ago. I then told her, very nicely, "listen W, not that it matters that much, but I want you to know that I went to the concert with a friend named [name] and that I met him through [name] (who she knows) and some of his friends." W responds "well your just so secretive and vague about what you are doing and who your doing it with these days. I think that you should be honest if you are dating or moving on. We should both be honest." Her tone was much more friendly when saying this.

I responded "I'm sorry W, I don't mean to be. But I don't even know where you live, I mean..." and then I stopped. I didn't want to get drawn into argument. I then told her, "I told you how I am behaving during this separation a couple of days before xmas and that hasn't changed." I was referring to telling my W on 12/22 that I am behaving like a married man bc I still am M.

She said ok. She told me to have a good time at the hockey game and I told her that I hoped that she would feel better (she had mentioned not feeling well all weekend). We ended the conversation.

Ate dinner with SS and then went to hockey game. Had a great time. During dinner, I had asked SS if he wanted to go to church with me the following morning. He said that he did and asked me if he could spend the night with me. I told him he could as long it was ok with his mom/W.

Driving back to my house he called W and asked her if he could spend the night. She told him 'no' that she wanted to pick him up. SS and I get back to my house and start watching a movie. I called W to let her know that we were at the house. W said she would come get SS in 30 minutes.

I fixed myself a drink while I waited and watched movie with SS. W rings the doorbell and I let her in. We chatted about the hockey game in the entrance of the house. W then asked me if I had run across some cutting board of her's that apparently wasn't packed with all of her stuff when she moved. Somehow, we ended up in the kitchen while I looked for the cutting board. Just chit chat. I offered her a drink, but she declined. She told me that she had a headache all night and that she was going to go home and go to bed. I noticed very clearly that W would NOT look me in the eye as we were talking back and forth. Strange.

I walked W and SS out to her car and they got in. I went back into the house expecting them to drive away. They sat in driveway for a few minutes, so I went back out to see what they were doing. SS was trying to convince W to let him stay the night. As he was doing this, I told him that it was ok, that he needed to listen to W and the decision that she had made. W asked me what I thought and I told her that it didn't matter to me, that of course SS could stay. W said "I just don't want him to get his hopes up." SS piped in, "mom, I know. You guys getting back together is a decision that the two of you need to make based on how you guys feel" or something like that. Pretty funny for an 11 year old to say. W and and I shared a short giggle at SS. W ended up letting SS stay the night. She drove away.

W called me a few minutes later. W said, "I don't know what the right answer was there" referring to SS asking to stay the night. I responded that "neither do I W, but it'll be fine. We're just going to watch a movie." W again mentioned something about her headache and going to bed when she got home. I joked with her that she should have taken me up on my offer of a drink... that it would have taken care of her headache. A little more chit chat and then ended convo.

I watched a movie with SS and he fell asleep with his head on my lap.

1/23/11

SS and I went to church and met W's FIL. SS called W to see if he could continue hanging out with me bc he didn't want to go with W to SIL's house for the day. SS and I went to get some dog food. I called W to see what she wanted to do as far as SS staying with me. She was very pleasant and said that it was fine if he wanted to hang out. That she was going to go rent a movie for she and her sis to watch and that she would come by and drop off the movie that she had watched the night before for SS and I to watch.

SS and I hung out at a coffee shop and watched some movie trailers on my computer. W called when she was ready to come by the house with the movie. We met her. She didn't get out of the car. She was late to meet her sis. As I was talking to her, her cell phone rang and I'm pretty sure I saw OM's name on the display. W silenced the ringer and then said to SS "I got to go, auntie is wondering where I am." I didn't say anything about seeing OM's name on display.

SS and I watched the movie and I then called W to see if she wanted me to bring him to her sister's. She asked if that was ok with me and I said that it was fine.

Drove SS to SIL's house. I walked him to the door and was let in by W. My niece who is 3 came downstairs to see me and immediately wanted me to go see the toy kitchen that santa had gotten her for xmas. I played with niece for a few minutes while I also chatted with SIL. W kind of just stood there not saying much. I said something to W about niece's kitchen set and she responded by saying something about niece always wanting her to play with it too. AGAIN, W was not able to look me in the eye as she was talking with me. It was clear that she simply was having problems doing it. Again, Weird. But she was also very nice.

With W standing there, SIL commented about my loss of weight in a complimentary manner but W didn't say anything. I said my goodbyes, hugged SS and niece, left and got into my car. Drove away with SS and niece waving to me out the window by the front door.

I totally broke down and cried ALL the way home. The 24 hours that all of this occurred was emotionally exhausting and reminded me why I want so badly to save M. I want my family back. I'm holding back tears even as I write this.

About 4 hours later, W texted me: "Thank you for spending time with SS this weekend. It meant a lot to him. He's always wanted more attention from you. I hope you enjoyed yourself as well."

I responded an hour later: "I had a blast... honestly. Goodnight."

She didn't respond.

So that's my update. Clearly, this process is going to test my resolve, patience, and resiliency to emotional pain.

[Truegritter]

I know that I am going to be in this state of pain until either, I can truly detach with love, or until my W forces closure by forcing a D.

Your W can force a D but that is only forcing a piece of paper on you.

Closure?

Or anything else for that matter.

Is up to you.

Once you understand that you are in control and you TAKE control...

then your fears and doubts will diminish along with the pain you feel from the actions or inactions of your W.

Keep steppin'

[hope2011]

I'm sorry I wasn't on-line, Denver.

*Big hug*

How are you feeling today? I'm looking for the update to your sitch... have you posted it yet?

I want to respond to what you posted earlier but I'll wait for the update so I'm not responding to the wrong stuff.

[Denver_2010]

I'm looking for the update to your sitch... have you posted it yet?

I want to respond to what you posted earlier but I'll wait for the update so I'm not responding to the wrong stuff.

I posted an update last night (before you and TrueGritter's posts from this morning) but it is not up yet.

Thanks Hope. It was a long weekend for me.

Dbmod - I still haven't heard back from Virginia about my problems posting. Everyone else who I chat with back and forth here seems to have a much easier time posting. Sorry to bug you, just frustrating... especially when I'm in a rough place and need the board.