Well it's Sunday night and as I mentioned I was away this weekend for some training. I was busy both days and normally when I am away I would always look forward to come home to my W but today I started to feel despair when I realized I would be coming to a empty house. So I thought a lot and reflected on my situation.
I am upset and sad at the same time. It is clear most of us are here because for one reason or another we have had a problem communicating with our spouse at some level; in other words we have made mistakes. I am no different, perhaps I have made a little more than most but I have been honest and open with all of you. Today on my way home I began to think why I was pursuing this any further and what was I truly trying to get out of this.
The truth of the matter is when W first left I was relieved and felt ok about it, I was feeling just as tired and frustrated with the constant arguing as she was. It wasn't till late November that I really began to feel sadness and by December I was really down in the dumps. January is the month that I have cried the most with today being no different. I begin to get angry. My vows mean something to me, always have. Do they mean less to her? Even at the height of our arguments I never thought of D but at times I must admit that I thought maybe we should separate. Why then do I feel worse today than I did two months ago or even a month ago?
Is it possible that she is going through the same emotions? Is it possible that she feels worse today than she did at first? My honest assessment is no. I think she feels better. She has been able to detach and I haven't. This is something I have struggled with. Of course she has a new apt, a new job, and even a new state as for me I am in the same house and have changed very little since she left include a D who is devastated and I have a constant reminder of the pain in my life.
When I look closer however, I realize that I am not totally to blame for this breakdown. Has she made an effort to find solution base options to save the M? No. Has she said let's stop the D and see what happens? No. Has she said let me make a real effort to understand why he acted a certain way as I have done? No. She has admitted to making mistakes, but if both people have openly said we have made mistakes why wouldn't both people then look for ways to address them if there was still love there?
Right now she feels in control, this I know for sure, and that is something she hasn't felt in a long time. I mention all this because I am starting to doubt whether me agreeing with all the "injustice" I have done is really a smart tactic at all. I know I am making changes for myself not for her and believe me I am but ultimately all of us have begun these changes with the single goal of saving our marriage.
If agree with the fact that I practically "pushed her out", what am I really saying? I would think if I am the other person I am thinking "Thank you, I thought so to and that is why I am not going back" If I agree with the fact that I "criticized too much" why would she want to come back to that. The more I agree with her the more I strengthen her position and the more she is justified in leaving. Why in the world would you want to save your marriage if you are justified in leaving?
I mention this because even though we all want our spouses back if we are honest they have made mistakes also. Leaving is a sign of surrender and failure in my eyes. It means to me that their love had an expiration date on it. I find it unfair that I sit here crying in my room and nursing a 11 yr old girl because somebody thought so little of us that they decided to walk out of our home. I have found this website and I have found the books and I have done the DBcoaching. Could she not have done the same?
Even after the fact did she not do any soul searching? Over all I did the best job I could as a husband and I can honestly say that everything I did was with the intention to make her happy. Even after ten years together I could not wait to get home to see my W after work and even after ten years I would tell her in bed that I was a very lucky man and that she was the only woman for me. Do these words fall on deaf ears? I made a commitment that means something to me.
Any thoughts on this point of view? It just seems that the more I agree with her and validate her points the more gleeful she becomes and the surer she feels she has done the right thing.
