Losing my motivation....need some advice quick...

[zengypsy]

Hey everyone- Sorry for the super delay in keeping up with my own thread. I have been sick with Bronchitis all week long and had no desire to even turn the computer on.

You guys have all offered me some wonderful advice and I thank you for taking the time to respond.

Denver, Hope, Wanda and Grace: I would like to be friends, it's just hard and I can't seem to bridge that gap no matter what I do. Sp maybe he just was saying that and never really meant it. Going dark worked in the early stages (I didn't even realize that I was doing it because I did not own DR at the time) But I think that out of sight, out of mind mentality kicks in at some point. I don't think there's anything you can do when that happens other then let it take it's course.

Grace just to answer your questions in a little more detail:

I don't know how to answer your first ? - It depends on the day you ask it. Most days I still feel like I will continue to DB even tho I will be D'd. He is the love of my life, my soulmate een tho I am apparently not his.

I have never felt like fool fighting for my marriage or even when I tell people that I will move on but not give up they think I am crazy. I want to be the greener grass in the end. Did I just answer my own question?!

I do have empathy for him. I know he is a lost soul and is trying to find his way thru this thing (total MLC'r I think) in his own way. I mean for his own brother to say to me my H has deep rooted issues that he needs to work thru says alot. He's never said anything like that before. And he also feels my H will have regret.

And what am I doing to take care of me....just trying to keep busy. I have good friends and some family; not immediate as all mine have passed away and I am an only child. I have you all here on the boards to keep me going too. I read, go out when i can, get a mani/pedi every now and again, retail therapy etc.

I was going to a great therapist but insurance has forced to me discontinue with her because of a much higher out of network deductable. That has been hard because I know I still need her help. At the same time, I feel lucky to have been able to go to her as long as I did. My H has quite the upper hand at the moment and I think feels empowered for the first time; filed for the D, carries the insurance (my job doesn't offer any so once the D is final I will be uninsured and I suffer from Asthma). He doesn't realize this new "persona" he has taken on has made him very selfish. But hey, that's what happens when you have an MLC; being a narcissist is what it's all about.

If he is involved with an OW at this juncture, I know it will be short lived. You can only live the facade for so long and the utopia he is seeking isn't out there. Perhaps he will see when the D dust settles that the utopia he seeks was his home all along. He knows that the door is open; I've told him to his face and thru a letter.

Please keep me going my friends. I really, really need your support.

--edited by dbmod personal contact not allowed