Still on the border of Neverland

[Twink]

Brroklyn, I know I thanked you on your thread, and Grace, a belated thanks to you for sharing about your D. I always appreciate your calm and supportive words.

Journaling yet again...

For some reason I am still having trouble processing the hits of the last few weeks -- the credit card charge, the boarding pass, and a few days ago, one more. D was missing for about 3 hours. Her keys were hanging in the outside lock of her front door, her phone was inside, her car was there, but she was not. Her roommate called me, clearly worried. I called H to see if he knew anything, and learned that he was on his way to OW, and would be going past D's city. That was fortunate in that he would be able to take charge of things there, but to learn that when I was sitting alone and the panic was rising about D -- ouch. All was ultimately OK, thank goodness, but not before the police were called and D's distressed roommate was interviewed. H couldn't even be bothered to stop by on his way through and give his embarrassed D a hug.

The fact that I'm having trouble with these incidents tells me that I'm not as detached as I thought I was. I think it also tells me that I must have some expectations lurking under the surface. I thought I was at a place where I could start being more open to H without it bothering me -- inviting him to stay if he came by near dinnertime, sharing D's troubles more freely, etc. -- but now I think I need to step back again.

I think part of the problem is that the losses of the last two years -- H, pets, and my mother a couple of months ago -- along with D's troubles and the pressures of planning other D's wedding, are beginning to catch up with me, and I feel emotionally drained and alone. I'm going to concentrate this week on the things that helped me the most in the beginning -- taking care of me first, friends and family, meditation, negative-thought-stopping, H-thought-stopping, finding joy daily -- and limit contact with H until I find my center again. I know how it feels to be there, and I like that so much better!