New to this community seeking advice 2

[JR09]

My H did everything to leave except take the final step to file and make it legal. There is NO one from this board that encouraged me to stay with him, they said I should move on. But for me as long as he could not take that step to get rid of me I wasn't going to either. Quite honestly, I never stopped loving him but there were plenty of days I had to dig deep to keep my love alive. There were days the pain was so bad I was physically ill.

WCW,

Your quote really fits me to a T. I love my W with all my heart. I do my best to not react to the venom that she at times spews. If I reacted to all the negative stuff, I'd be divorced a long time ago. And so my focus shifted from fighting my W with every word she said to fighting my inner self to help me not harbor grudges and negative thoughts.

Sometimes I truly believe we self defeat ourselves with our inner talk. Negative thinking often lead to negative actions...and BAM...DBing goes out of the window. That's why DBing has to remain the main focus whenever I engage my W. Not easy, but that will one day bring blessings...

One day I pray I will be just like you WCW. One day I hope to be with my W again. If you can do it, surely I can also stand a chance.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Joel

[lostinscared]

Joel,

What you are saying is profound. Purify my heart. I promise you all my interactions are kind and happy. Just letting him be what he needs to be right now and not outwardly passing judgment. Inside, though, I'm definitely passing judgment. It really has got me turned around.

I'm reading a really great book about God's unconditional love and trying to emulate it. To say that I am getting it, though, not quite. I'm not angry anymore. Not like I was. But I really meant those vows I spoke. I really did. And I'm just so hurt that he didn't. I would not say that to him anymore because Michele says that's basically the kiss of death. But, I feel it. But what this book explains is that I'm in the middle of a catch-22, because it challenges me to mean those vows even when I'm hurt and to be open for reconciliation if that chance comes. I have to be ready to love him no matter what. And that's where the challenge comes for me right now.

I have a lot to learn. I guess that's why I hang out here so much.

Thanks so much for the thoughts and advice. It really means a lot to me.

LIS

[MichelleLT]

Very cool about getting to go to all the games! Seems like W is feeling a bit more secure with the arrangement since you are giving her space at the games and such. Awesome about acting as scorekeeper. Sounds like you are really making the most of the situation!

[JR09]

Michelle,

Great to have you back. I just did our taxes last night. Shall I give half of the tax returns to W? A third, 3/4, all of it?

What would be best?

Joel

[MichelleLT]

I assume you filed married filing jointly?

I would say at least half. Half is obviously the easy just split it kind of way to go. She has the kids most of the time, so maybe she could use a little more of it, but then you are giving her plenty of financial help, so...

Could the money be used to pay off/fix the car instead? It might be worth asking W what her financial priorities are.

Of course, if she wants cash in hand, giving her half is totally reasonable. Anything the kids need can always be figured out separately from the taxes.

[2stepboogie]

JR,

You are an inspiration. I am going to re-read your thread again tonight.

MichelleLT,

I see you are a successful DB graduate. Would you mind reading my situation and giving me some insight. Would love to hear from somebody who was successful and specially a woman.

[JR09]

went to S13's BB game. S11 and S8 were there as well. They both sat with me. W was four bleachers up. Game was fun to watch. I decided to engage W and went up to her and said Hi, how is school, how are you. I told her we'd need to link up sometime to talk about finances and how to best support the family, etc. She took a good look at me all throughout, nodded, didn't say much. And that's OK too!

At one point she glanced at my hand to see if I was wearing my wedding band (I've never taken it off, even after she left). I asked her if she wanted a candy bar. She declined. I said OK, and went back to my seat with the boys. I have the boys this weekend. I'm very happy. I'm glad I engaged W. Opportunity to continue showcasing the new Joel. More to follow.

Joel

[lostinscared]

Joel, I think I am going to start to call you Job.

I think that it is great that you went to another game and you got to spend time with your sons!!!

I am also glad that you engaged her. That was brave and you do need to do that a bit more! I think its funny that she checked your hand.

Tell me, what is her tone with you? Is she friendly? Is she cold? Is she depressed? I'm interested...

Take care of yourself and I pray for you.

LIS

[dixiegal]

JOEL!

I just read thru your thread...I could identify because of the length of time. After, I read through...I felt like if you can do I can too...I have a lot of guilt because when H started coming my way...my resentment for the past hurts while we have been apart...well I lashed out and he walked away. (maybe for good)

If ya get a chance to read thru mine...I'd like to hear your feedback.

I'm a wreck for the most part...I have moments when Im hopeful then get slip back into its over...

But, for today your thread gave me hope...Thanks!

[MichelleLT]

I can't really see anything that counts as pursuing behavior. Good for you on ending the conversation and going back to your seat. The candy offer was just a nice thing, sounds like it was done with no expectations and you were able to just go on like nothing had happened.

Enjoy the weekend with the boys!!!!!!!!!!