W Left almost 3 months ago

[FellOnBlackDays]

2Step,
Sorry to hear about your frame of mind right now. But, it is normal. I spoke at length about this with my MC and he said it is OK.

For the first four weeks after my W left, I cried, missed work, didn't eat, didn't sleep and could not function. But around week 6 after we both went "dark," I started to get angry. Same thing as you, I was pissed and felt like I didn't deserved this. My MC told me that "anger" is one of the stages of grief and it is perfectly normal to experience this. He actually said that not only is it normal, but that I should not deny myself the anger. He stated that if I didn't spend some time angry, I would never be able to move to the next stage or get better. He told me that when I would get angry, I should either stand in front of the mirror and say all the things I was feeling or write a letter to my W. So, I did what he said and it really, really helped. I said some of the most awful things to the mirror. I wrote numerous letters laced with profanity. But, when I was finished with the letter, I would print it out and put it in a box hidden in my closet. He did say I could NEVER send any of the letters to my W or anyone. The letters were for me only. He told me to let the anger flow, but NEVER, NEVER, NEVER in front of my W. Also, he wanted me to make sure the anger never reached a level where it became dangerous to myself or others. His advice worked perfectly.

While in "anger" is really when I began taking care of myself. I joined a gym, which really helped with the anger. When I would get mad, I would go work out for two hours. I would burn up my anger on the dumbells. It is a double-bonus. I look better and I am not hurting anyone with my anger. The anger was good as it kept me warm at night and motivated.

But, I do have some bad news. It does fade. A couple of weeks ago, I started changing again. I have been much more depressed lately. I told my MC about this and he assured me this is also very normal. He told me that the anger will not and should not last forever. If it does, I would be in trouble. I think the anger fading is why I have been able to have such good meetings with my W.

So, try it buddy. Write some letters, scream at the mirror, hit the weights, go out into the woods and break something with a sledgehammer. But, there are two things you shouldn't do. Don't try to squish or hide the anger. It will eat you up. Two, don't ever, ever, ever turn this on your W or anyone else.

Keep me updated. I will gladly share with you how I coped with this. It is natural, so let it happen.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD