I failled horribly...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Team,
Well, I am back on the air. I wish I could say that I am in a better frame of mind, but I would not be telling the truth. I have had a tough 24 hours.

W showed around 1pm yesterday. Unlike the last two meetings, she was all business. We discussed who was going to get what and put dollar values to the items. In the end, because I am keeping much of our stuff, I had to write her a check on the spot. Unlike the last two visits, she never really showed any emotion or cried. She did hug me and thank me for being so cool about this whole ordeal and she told me she was happy that we are working this out "like adults."

I crawled in the attic, got down some boxes for her, and put them together while she began going through the kitchen. I was very generous and let her pretty much have what she wanted. We laughed a bit and talked here and there about various things. But not once did the R come up. At one point, we ran out of tape. So, I took a ride with her to the hardware store. We talked about things and carried on a like a couple while in the store. We returned to the house and prepped the furniture that she was taking today. All in all, it went well.

But I got some more mixed signals. At one point, she wanted a couple photo frames. I agreed to let her have them. She pulled the pictures out of us and left them on the floor. She found some other things in a drawer that related our M and she walked right over with complete ambivalence and threw the stuff in the trash. I died a bit inside when she did that.

On the flip side, I once again reminded her that at some point this week, she will surrender her engagement ring, wedding band and anniversary band. Then things turned. She got kind of upset like a wounded child. She began figiting with her hands and looking at the floor. Her chin kind of began to quiver and she asked me why she had to give them up. I told her that I paid for them, you are no longer wearing them and they are still worth some monitary value despite the fact that all sentimental value is gone. She asked me what I planned to do with them. I explained to her that I know a guy who is in really, really bad financial straights and can't get credit right now and that I am going to sell the rings to him for his wedding. He is getting cash from his father to pay me. I went on to explain that I will then use the money to purchase this rifle that I have been wanting for some time but would never buy because she hated guns. She really looked hurt and frankly, at that point, I didn't care. She started stuttering about with her words and pretty much began begging me to let her hang on to them a bit longer. She wanted to know why I was in such a rush to do this. I explained that she informed me it was over and I was doing what was necessary to begin my healing process as it is now time to take care of me. She began to plead with me to let her keep them a bit longer. I relented. I told her we would end the discussion for now, but I would be back to get them in the next couple of weeks. She smiled and thanked me. I think her thoughts and actions might have betrayed her a bit there. She continues to protest politely that we are through. Yet, the thoughts of her rings being gone seemed to scare the sh*t out of her. Why? Does she think she will wear them again some day? Hmmm? This did set me to thinking. Between us here, this is all a farce. I have no buyer for the rings and I can afford the rifle without the money. But, I wanted to test her to see what is really going on in her head. I have now had this discussion with her about the rings three times and it always goes the same way. She gets upset and pleads to keep them a bit longer. She knows once they are gone, they will be lost forever and I think that scares her. A good sign, maybe? I know it is wrong to mess with her like this, but if this is the worst thing I do, I think I am justified for now. I am, by the way, not the one that walked out on a 15 year R like I was leaving the grocery store.

She eventually left after about three hours and I was an emotional wreck. I had to leave the house, so I went out to my mother's house and did some work for her. We ate dinner together and I went out with my friends. Well, this is when things went from bad to worse. I know the bartender at the place where we were hanging out. She knows about the crap I am going through and she started feeding me shots and beer. I never turn away free liquor, so I proceeded to get completely blasted. So much so, that around midnight, I was puking my guts up in the bathroom and had to be helped to my car. My buddy claims I was talking about all kinds of crap while in the car. At some point, he told me I stared crying uncontrollably and going on and on about how much pain I am in and how much I miss my W. He claims I cried the entire ride home and could barely talk. When he got me home, I got out of the car and punched a wooden fence so hard that today I have numerous cuts and lacerations on my hand. I am not sure, but I think I did some damage to my knuckle that may require a visit to the doctor. I have blood all over the clothes I had on last night and I think I ruined one of my favorite shirts. Honestly, since all this crap has happened, I really have no idea who I am any more. What in the hell is wrong with me? Punching fences??? Ughhhh.

I have a monster hangover today and feel awful about what I did to my buddy. I will post again tonight with an update about how today went. I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD