Starsky, Thanks for the best wishes. I thought the dances went well. We were nearly perfect with all three Rumba dances, and the three Foxtrot dances were good (it's a newer dance for us). Our instructors were proud of us. We won first place in six dances. I made the mistake of not taking the day off prior to the competition, so we didn't get to sleep until 1AM, and had to dance at 945AM. I'll make it a three day weekend next time. My W organized a birthday party for me. Members of our studio gathered afterwards at a bar, and sang a birthday wish for me. It was a time of connection and developing friendships, throughout the day.
It's more work for the woman to participate in these events. My focus is on the dance. She has to put a lot of time into make-up and dress. My W has little experience with make-up. She'll probably hire a make-up artist next time, until she gets more skilled at it.
I'm thinking of doing this twice per year. It forces one to commit to learning a dance well. Most people danced more dances during the event than we did (6). I don't want to push my W too hard with this, as it's an adjustment for both of us.
I like what I'm reading so far with "Hold Me Tight." The author places high priority on intimacy and attachment, and believes disruptions in it are the root of marital problems. She believes one has to work in layers, starting with working thru defensiveness and a partner's anger, withdrawal, or distance, by being emotionally responsive.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
WCW, She is talking about a next time, but acknowledges that she isn't a competitive person, so it probably was a mix for her. I think she enjoyed the social connection. The only things she wants different next time are for me to take the day off of work the day before the competition, and for her to hire a make-up artist to assist her with this.
She likes to dance, likes our instructor, likes our studio, and wants to get better. She agrees with me that competing gives us structure and accountability to practice and get better, so agrees with my suggestion of two competitions per year.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W quit her part-time job this week. I read her letter of resignation, and support her decision. She has an unreasonable boss, who keeps her in the margins while he makes reckless decisions. Her plan is to attend a weekly job-hunting support group, and obtain another part-time job while she pursues something full-time. I took the night off from my social dancing to go to dinner with her, so she could process her decision.
I'm working with an instructor from the studio to recruit students to attend a ballroom dance in March. We have one table so far. My agenda is to meet my needs to do social ballroom dancing, and to create a social environment for my W so that she can enjoy herself more at these events. It doesn't work well when I go alone to these events with my W. She's ready to leave after a 1/2 hour.
I've decided that since I'm half of the dance partnership my goals should be incorporated. This includes learning and practicing dances that are important to me, attending two competitions per year to give us accountability and structure and diversify our dance experience, and attend ballroom social dancing by myself or with my W as part of a group.
I'm reading the chapter in Hold Me Tight where the author talks about breaking harmful communication patterns, which she calls Demon Dialogues. The first step is for a couple to recognize when they are doing it. The one pattern I recognize is where my W is sharp with me and I feel incompetent an devalued as a H, so become silent and withdraw, which leads to disconnection.
One way for me to break this pattern, is to experiment with staying with the dance, investigate what's bothering her, listen to it, and validate it. This is tough to do, after one has been criticized, but the criticize-withdraw dance has to be broken. The author would believe that my W strikes out because she is feeling disconnected and is trying to get a response from me. Ideally couples would work on this together, but I'll start on my own, and see what happens.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
One of the other Demon Dialogues mentioned in the book Hold Me Tight is the Deep Freeze. I call it the Winter of Our Discontent, after the novel. It follow a period of one or both of the other two Demon Dialogues, which I call Two Attorneys or Running for Cover. After awhile, the barker gets tired of trying to get a response, distances, herself and puts her energy into something else. The turtle, is happy to have peace and quiet. The M becomes an electric fence, and eggshell walking happens, where conflctual areas are avoided. This is the scenario of my M. I have sadness as I think of the amount of time spent in the season of Winter in my M.
The way out of these patterns is to recognize when it's happening, and in my case listen to and validate my W, when she's complaining, and be more willing to share what's on my mind, particularly with regards to what's going on in the R. I'll need to work on breaking the pattern of withdrawal and protection, and staying with conflict.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Morning CL, It's been interesting to read your posts, and hear your ideas on Hold Me Tight. It's been a while since I've read it, so it's been helpful to review your comments. I know what you mean about the electric fence and eggshell walking, where conflict is avoided. Have had a few instances of that again this week. It's interesting to remember that withdrawal is also a form of protection. (Which is what I do, almost, what I 'am') And did a splendid example of it this morning. It's incredibly tiring and defeating, to feel myself back there again and again, still lacking the courage from time to time, to use my voice and say what needs to be said. Let me know how you're making out with it, if you're having any luck with it.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
The way out of these patterns is to recognize when it's happening, and in my case listen to and validate my W, when she's complaining, and be more willing to share what's on my mind, particularly with regards to what's going on in the R. I'll need to work on breaking the pattern of withdrawal and protection, and staying with conflict.
CL
I dunno, CL -- this still sounds like more eggshell-walking to me.
Morning CL, Let me know how you're making out with it, if you're having any luck with it.
FMV, It's going to take some conscious effort to break my defensive patterns, but I'm going to work on it. I'm going to hang in there with conflict, instead of withdrawing and increase my level of self-diclosure. Sharing vulnerabilities will be a larger step.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
