What should I do?

[Queen_of_Swords]

"Weigh everything carefully because the road to D is filled with hurt and pain."

Yes I know.

The issues have become the differences in the way people think. I get that. But it is hard to argue with someone that does not get what a physical LL means. It feels so dirty to try and talk thru it. I thought when we got back together in 2008 that I was clear. I know she understood the majority of it.. but she did not fully understand. I guess what I came away with from tonight's conversation with her was this.

Even though I am "doing" things.. they don't hit the mark. While I think I am doing things that should fill the "love bucket" up.. they just are not. This is what makes me not understand. I have tried different things. I am reasonably creative.. but it just is not "doing" things for her. So.. I "see" the cycle.. but can't do anything to change it.

For example..

I need to "get some" for my love bucket to fill up. But when we got back together she said she needed to feel "not pressured".

She needs to "see" me doing things with the kids. I am not good at this. That fills up her love bucket.

My kids don't lack for much. But I am missing the mark somewhere.

That about sums up my thoughts for tonight.

FG I'm going to write something that I have learned.
I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me.

In a NORMAL and healthy female/male committed relationship there is a dynamic going on.
The dynamic is this: Men are 10% emotionally based, and 90% sexually based. Women are 10% sexually based, and 90% emotionally based.

When you ML , your bucket that is full 90% and empty that 10% gets filled by the 10% she has available, and you feel connected and loving towards her.
he reverse is true for her. If you give her that 10% of emotional connection she needs, you fill her emotional bucket to 100%, and she feels connected and loving to you!

Then a happy little circle continues to go 'round and 'round and you both get what you need. This is easier to see as a diagram, so I hope I make some sense to you. If not I will describe how to draw it, if you are a visually based learner.

The challenge for you is this. Women feel emotionally connected to you by Talking to you and with you LISTENING. That's primarily how women get emotionally 'fed'. You don't have to problem solve, and you don't have to do it for hours. Although the first time you do this you're gonna wish she'd shut up already. Her need to talk will diminish the more you allow it until it becomes natural and comfortable and shouldn't require more than 20 minutes of your full attention per day.

D'ya think you could initiate a conversation, really be involved and an active listener? Perhaps touch her in a non sexual way? Hold her hand, touch her hair, have an arm around her? The let her initiate for the "no pressure part" This may take some time. I'm not saying it's an instant solution.

Did you know the Hebrew word for love means " to give of oneself"? Can you give of yourself without asking for a return right now?

If your wife's emotional bucket gets filled by seeing the children you created together with their loving Dad enjoying their presence, and interacting together, then try...

I'm not your wife, but I can tell you the greatest joy we have is to see our children be loved and played with and treated as the earthbound angels they are. You don't have to do anything special. Parallel play is fine, if you can find an activity that you can do side by side but individually, or a project that you can help with ( but not take over). It can be as simple as playing with play dough with them, or doing a science project just for fun, or building a model. Find something.

It's not the material things that matter here...it's your TIME.