W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

[sparks14]

While away, I sent my W a very long thought out letter telling her how much I loved her and wanted to fight for our marriage. I listed out things that I wanted to do to help with some of her concerns. I suggested we go back to marriage counseling that we had stopped after the birth our our S. She agreed to go to therapist with me. In session told me that she was not sure if she had the strength to fight for us anymore. She was not in love with me. She wanted time to think. She said that she came to therapy this one time but was not ready to commit to more. Therapist recommended we at least work on co-parenting in case of failure. W agreed.

For the last month, I have read several books. Gottman. Fertel. Weiner-Davis. I am staying incredibly positive and acting like super husband/father around the house. Not one argument. No fights. When together, we get along great. She will however, disappear a few days at a time without warning. It crushes me.

I began to suspect a PA on 1/16 after noticing some stain sleepwear in her overnight bag. She had been sleeping on girlfriends couch and had never slept in this stuff out our house. I then found more seductive lingerie in another bag in her closet that had never been in our home before. I began to look around and found a note in her bedside table written to her girlfriend and not delivered over the summer that explained how annoyed she was with couples therapy. she was stuck and only wanted to be with "you". this broke me. i began seeing a therapist on my own and introduced my concern. on 1/18, i logged into my wife's email. in a folder called "safe", i found 400 emails over the last 10 months between W and her girlfriend. PA. It began in 3/2010 when wife was 4 months pregnant. Started with curiosities. Girlfriend married now but husband had know about her being gay for years. W was curious but committed to me. It took maybe a week before those concerns faded. First night was PG13. Two nights later, they had graphic sex in a park. There are hundreds of emails between them providing very graphic accounts of their adventures. Started in a park. Then at our house when I wasn't home. They escalated to being in love. They talked about how they would leave their husbands and live together with the baby forever. Girlfriend ended up leaving her husband over the summer.

W and girlfriend spent everyday of the summer together while I was at work. Sex everyday. Very graphic sexual emails. In love. No cares. Embracing their new secret lesbian roles. After the baby, the girlfriend spent less time over due to family in town and both were heart sick. Around the same time I got my first bomb, an email came from the girlfriend that planned out an entire time line of an exit strategy. W replied that she was not comfortable with time and needed more time to figure things out with her therapist. Leading up to the second bomb, W and girlfriend spending every weekend together with S. Sometimes asking me if I would babysit S while they went off. I had no problems with that. I get quality time with baby and give the W a chance to get away without S.

I am now crushed. I still want to use the strategies provided here and by my therapist to let me wife know that I know about the PA. I am planning on writing a letter for myself to read in front of our original couples therapist. therapist agrees of importance of third party. have not asked W and can only hope she will agree. she really thinks I am in the dark about PA.

I can take all of the advice in the world that is out there about saving my marriage after a PA and am truly positive. there is just no information out there for same sex PA. is my wife a lesbian and always has been? was it just an EA that got out of control and the excitement of PA took over? i can only imagine if my W is pushing the time line out and out that she has questions. we both come from strong and active families. her emails told over and over again how she did not want to her me or her mother.

what do i do? is there hope?