Scared and Alone

[lostinscared]

Ok, so I know this post is going to get me smacked by my BITS buddies and others but here goes...

Do you get to the point where you cannot recognize the "signs" anymore? Do you get so confounded that you just can't figure any of it out? Do you get to the point where your #1 priority is preserving yourself and you miss the big picture?

I came home early today because of weather. I am alone thinking and I just realized I missed things. When my H talks about the divorce, it's always with an "if." "If we get a divorce..."

Two times now, after cutting off all physical contact, he's tried to hug me. He's showing up in my room and in my office starting up conversations about nothing. Last night instead of going up to his room, he stayed downstairs in the living room to watch tv and ultimately sleep. Today he offered to drive me home because he knows I'm afraid of the snow. He also came in to ask me if I wanted lunch and then asked if I wanted to take a ride with him to get lunch at McDonald's (I said that I couldn't). He's called me two nights in a row now to ask if I want anything for dinner (that had stopped). But I focus on: He's not in our bed, he doesn't kiss me goodbye, he told me last Saturday he's leaving and he had no hope for us, he's still erasing history on computer, he still sometimes gives me that pitiful smile like someone shot my dog...

I guess I just don't know what to think of any of this because it was just Saturday that he told me he was moving out. I don't trust my instincts anymore. I am trying to preserve myself first. Then I am also trying to stick to the program. I am always bubbly and friendly. I don't bring up R talks. I started wearing skirts again (showing off my weight loss). But I feel like I'm kind of deadening to the drama. I have lost perspective about whether these are good things or is he just being friendly because I asked if we could at least remain friends through this. I just don't have a clue anymore. I wrote down what I thought would be positive signs. I see some of them but given that he's a different person now, I don't have a clue anymore if they are positive signs.

What is wrong with me? Is this normal? How, when you're so emotionally fried, can you recognize if you have anything to work with anymore?

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
Take a deep breath. If it makes you feel any better, we are all in this crappy boat with you. I find it humorous that I am telling you this considering my own behavior, but stop trying to figure him out. My W has become an enigma wrapped in a riddle that is so tight I have no idea which end is up. Trying to figure them out will drive you nuts. I know. I have spent three months driving myself nuts!

Let me give you some free advice from my MC. I posed this same thing to him and here is what he said: "You need to do two things. First, take stock and a bit of happiness in their confusion. If they didn't care and were completely through with you, there would be no confusion on their part. As much as you think you are wrestling this thing alone, you are not. Remember, there were two people at the altar in that church the day you got married. Whether you realize it or not, your W is scared, confused, and adrift at sea right now. She is having to convince herself to leave the man she has loved for 15 years. I know that to you, because she is being cruel, renting apartments, talking to another man and putting on a good show, you think she is fine with this thing and all is well in her world. Well, it is not all well. She too is scared as hell that her M is about to be finished. So, at times, she will act strangely and do things that will confuse the hell out of you. Don't get worked up about it. If you think you are confused, you should look inside her head??? I have counseled WAS's before, they are truly a train wreck."

"Second, stop trying to figure her out. You will make yourself miserable and crazy. Just let her be. If you love her, accept the fact that she is not herself right now and stop looking for clues that aren't there. If she is nice, be nice to her. If she acts like a jack*ss, be nice to her. You need to be the one constant in this thing. Why? Because you will begin to look like the stable one and this could eventually cause her to gravitate back to you. Stability equals tranquility and happiness. Be the rock and she just might sail her ship toward you as she tries to navigate this stormy emotional sea she is lost in."

Whew, that was long. But, I hope you get the point. The guy is a pretty good MC and I really like him.

Never stop DBing. I have been in the dumps lately, but even when I am at my lowest, I continue to DB because it is the only thing right now that seems to be working.

Hang in there, girl. You are with friends now!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[lostinscared]

Thanks FOBD.

All's right with the world again, he's back to being a jerk. This morning he started in with the idea of taking a sudden trip back home for a basketball game (OW lives there but moving here soon). I was all for it! Even asked him once during the day if he found tickets yet. He didn't.

He went to lunch with a co-worker (male). He did come and ask if I wanted something. Then later asked if I wanted to take a ride with them. Said no, but thanks so much for asking.

Just smiling through it. Sometimes with gritted teeth, but I'm not perfect, you know?

Today's just been a bad day for me all together. Kind of woke up in a down mood. Sometimes the reality just really hurts. He's so intertwined in my life that I don't know who I am anymore without him. A vendor came to visit today and asked to see my H because they are friendly. I just felt such shame. The majority of the people do not know anything yet, but I feel such shame because I know what's around the corner and I can't stop it. Shame and embarassement and loss. Those are the overwhelming feelings today.

There are moments that I am hopeful but many moments where I know a part of me has given up. I think that if I ever do get to piecing, I won't have the strength. You know? I've always suffered from self-esteem problems and this whole thing has really killed me. I'm lonely and I'm tired. I spend far too much time thinking about this whole thing. I spend far too much time beating myself over mistakes that I made and signs I ignored. I'm just so tired...

[lostinscared]

Well he got the ticket... off to his GF's for the weekend. Perfect, absolutely freaking perfect. At least I'll be around for FOBD's funfilled weekend! Drinks all around! Happy Friday!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
Sorry to hear about all that. Remember, our WAS's are going to waiver. Just keep telling yourself that he is as dumbfounded and confused right now as you are. It took me four months, but I have finally, finally come to peace and embraced that fact. I talked with my MC today about this and he is proud of me. You need to work toward that goal. For a very long time, I had convinced myself that my W was out living it up since she left me. But after a much closer look at things and after really listening to the things she has told me over the past two weeks, this just isn't so. I keep notes each week about our interactions and I bring these notes to the MC each week. He is totally and completely convinced that, behind closed doors and out of view of me or the general public, she is probably a basket case that is in some serious denial. And the worst part is that I agree with him and now worry about her and her state of mind. You might want to do the same.

Heck, at times, I have found myself starting to feel sorry for her. Why is this important? Because when she waivers, I just tell myself, "poor (name), she is in trouble and I can't help her." I then take control of the emotional darkness that I can't see through. Is this kind a trick on your own mind? Yes, in a way. But, it keeps me from spending too much time torturing myself about her behavior. Yes, I still give myself fits at times, but this exercise helps. Give it a try and let me know.

Thanks for thinking about me this weekend. I think I would rather have my finger nails pulled off with vice-grips then go through this. But, then again, we don't get to pick the battles life throws at us.

Push on, my girl, push on. Try to do something for you this weekend while he is away. Go treat yourself to a day at the spa, get a massage, enjoy a nice meal with a friend, or go into a public place and just strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger. I actually do this from time to time and it is really amusing how it ends. Yes, sometimes I get a weird look and a rude push off. But, at least twice I have ended up talking for quite a while to very interesting people. And, you know what? During that time, I rarely if ever think about my crappy sitch or my W. Good luck!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[lostinscared]

Today, he came in he room to complain that he didn't want to go because he didn't feel well. I told him that he'd be fine when he got there. He told me he's looking for tickets to come home early. I didn't respond.

He was standing over me and asked, what are you working on so much with the computer. I said nothing. He smiled and said ok.

Then he keeps standing there. I said have a great time. He starts playing with my hair. Then he leans to hug me and kisses me on the top of my head. I patted him on the back (he loves this move) and broke the hug first. Then told him again to have a great time and to be safe.

He said I'll call you and then he left.

Sometimes it all feels like a giant chess game to me. But oh well, these are the cards I'm dealt right now. More later. Gotta get more sleep and weirdly enough, am off to the salon today like FOBD talks about then working out...

Be back later FOBD. Praying constantly for your peace and the peace of all the others hurting so badly. I think if your S's saw all the things you all wrote here and what's in your hearts, they'd be back in a nano-second. You are all truly amazing people.

[2stepboogie]

Hey lost

I'm actually typing this from my iPhone so I'll excuse myself now for the misspelling.

You are absolutely right about this being a chess game. Think of it that way it has helped me to deal with the very limited interactions I've had this week. In the privacy of my house and this board I'm a total wreck but when I do speak to her I'm putting on a happy face I even smile while on the phone just to keep myself relaxed. With you it's a little tougher cause you actually have to see him but basically you are in a chess game and he who thinks ahead and controls their emotions is winning. This is the single hardest thing I've done so far.

[lostinscared]

Yes, getting away from him is a challenge as I still live with him and work with him. But that's also a blessing too, I guess. It's weird, even though I'm very hurt about where he's going this weekend, I'm thankful for the "time off."

I think he's softening a bit. I know he's hurting like FOBD says. He's taking xanax and drinking a lot. He's lost a ton of weight in a short period. I know that he's hurting. But I don't know why? I think he doesn't want to hurt me.

Thanks so much for the comments!! I guess I do need to think more about strategy.

[dixiegal]

Lost,

I read your stich. I'm so sorry your going through this too. But, know at least you have others that REALLY understand your pain and loss.

I'm with you girl...I'm keeping my heart/mind on GOD and doing the LRT. Which is killing me I might add. But, what helps me is I keep telling myself that this hurt is not forever...I have to "LET GO AND LET GOD".

I'm praying for your too...praying for us all here! xoxo

[JR09]

Lost,

I read thru your posts as well. I learned thru the 2.5 years since my W left that I must detach and I must Get A Life (GAL).

Detaching happens when you don't let yourself be entangled in your WAS's drama. You still llove the WAS but you don't let yourself being sucked IN the drama. Kinda take the high road, empathize, be compassionate, but don't respond tit for tat.

GALing is definitely a must. It took me months to learn this, but it really will put a smile on your face and make you a much much better person, hopefully void of any ill feelings and bitterness. Not easy to do but that's the goal, at least for me...

Go to dinner with friends, go to the gym to blow off steam, have a battle rythm, do something because you deserve to be happy. Make yourself happy. And you can do all this without spending a lot of money. If you change your countenance, the WAS will see it, and you keep showcasing the new YOU!!!. Like it says in DB: if one changes, the other one MUST change as well.

Keep at it, Lost. You can do it. You really can.

Joel