New to this community seeking advice 2

[JR09]

Hi Michelle.

I'm sure I drew fire with W...I did what you suggested, gave W a heads up about attending S13's games. She never called back or anything. Radio silence. I should have known better.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my 2.5 years limbo: is W not divorcing me because of financial reasons or because it just doesn't feel right? That's what I came up with.

No idea.

Joel

[JR09]

Today I went to my S13's first basketball game and the first game for me. It was great to be there and to BE a dad. S13 told me at thend of the he missed me and he loved me. W arrived a bit late and sat in the bleachers above me. I was cheering my S13 all along. I loved it. I finally did what dads do. Felt great.

I called W this evening and told her it was good seeing her at the game. I asked her how can I help for future games with refreshments, etc. She said she was OK. She then volunteered info for my S11's baskeball game this coming SAT, time and location. I was surprised. I told her I hope to see her there as well. She said OK and I said good bye.

Sounds good to me. I'll be there SAT!!!

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Doesn't matter whether she calls back. You did the right thing, you are taking the high road both in communicating with her and being there for your kids.

As for the lack of movement towards D, who knows. But in the meanwhile, you have time to DB. So whatever the reason, use it to your advantage!

Sounds like a ton of fun was had. It's awesome that your kids are feeling safe and loved enough to confess they've missed you, and appreciate you being there.

Great job on communicating with her after. Awesome about her volunteering the info about S11's basketball game! It's great to see her letting you be a part of the kid's life even if she doesn't seem ready to have you back in hers. Those baby steps are worth noting and building on though!

GREAT job on getting off the phone instead of dragging it out. Always good to make sure you don't convey any expectations or hope that makes them feel uncomfortable or pressured.

Have a GREAT weekend!!!!!!!

[WCW]

Joel, it's so good you attended sons game and more to come.

How's the car repairs coming? I hope you're doing it to help and be a kind person and the safety of your kids, and not for a reaction from your W. No expectations, right?

I'm inclined to think that every now and then a strategic 'slap' of reality isn't all bad. You just did it in an email. Chin up, move on.

[JR09]

WCW,

No expectations, no strings attached at all when I swapped vehicle with W. I gave her the good vehicle, and I kept the bad one which I am now trying to get fixed. I am just glad she has a safe vehicle. Safe for her, safe for the boys.

I've been attending the boys' baskeball games all week this week. It's been great. At least I get to see thel during the week. W seems to not mind. She just sits away. Today, I attended S12's BB game. His coach saw me and asked if I could help keep score. No problem at all. It was a lot of fun. The old Joel wouldn't have done it. But the new Joel did it !!!! W just watched me all along.


S* saw me and came to join me at the scorekeepr's table, with W's approval. S8 had a blast as well. Then he asked me if I can also come to his BB practice right after S12's game. I told W I'll follow her. She didn't mind. It was great just seeing the boys showing off their skills. I watched W from afar. She looked good. I sure miss her. I was just glad I could see the boys during those BB games . My weekend with the boys will be next weekend. Can't wait.

Joel

[lostinscared]

Joel,

I've spent the last hour reading through your posts. First, you're an inspiration. You really are.

How do you do it? How do you keep hope alive?

LIS

[JR09]

Lost,

Thanks for chiming in. I didn't know I inspired anybody. Your words touch me. Thanks.

I have to tell you Lost that I draw a lot of strenght and hope on faith. Everyday is an opportunity to fine tune what I failed to do previously and do it again. I learned to try and not be offended by my W's attitude or words. It's not easy at all. But then again, that's where Detaching comes into play.

You don't have to be enmeshed in all the WAS's drama. I always try to look at the good in my W and let anything else roll away. If I don't do that, I'd be a total wreck each day. I try to always take the high road and never respond by being rude or angry. I slipped many times. But no one said DBing was easy. It certainly is a test of endurance, of patience, and most importantly of Love. At least that's how I see it. If you don't love the WAS, then why keep on going?

I don't know if any of this makes sense. You know this: It's NOT easy at all. Many times I thought about quitting and stop DBing. But something tells me I can't just let it go yet. I guess that's when faith steps in. And that's really all I have...It's too easy to quit. You quit once, you'll quit at anything. I have to believe that miracles do happen. Sorry for the lenghty post. Thanks Lost for the kind words. I hope you won't quit either. Keep posting.

Joel

[lostinscared]

Joel,

It makes a lot of sense. I am trying very hard to get there. Get off the roller coaster, so to speak. So far I've managed to at least appear that I am off the roller coaster. I am still reacting to much to H's words and actions. I just don't show it anymore.

I also don't try to look at the good in my H right now. I probably need to try that. I want my M back, but I don't know if I want my H back anymore if that makes any sense. I've lost so much trust and faith in him. I don't think very highly of him anymore. Did you go through this? If so, how do you get through that piece?

I really drew a lot of strength from your patience and kindness and persistence. I am sitting here crying about 3 months and I saw your posts and it was really inspirational. I have been reading a lot of about God's unconditional love and trying to emulate it. I don't have the first clue what that is. Obviously, I have lots of work to do.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. It does make a lot of sense. Stay strong. I think you've made a lot of progress and I am so glad to see that you're seeing your sons' games.

LIS

[WCW]

But no one said DBing was easy. It certainly is a test of endurance, of patience, and most importantly of Love.

Love this!

Joel, there is something that keeps your W from proceeding further away from you, but also something that keeps her from loving you. Your sitch is not new and it seems that with how you are handling things now she will start taking peeks in the door you have left open for her. Time and patience are your friends.

My H did everything to leave except take the final step to file and make it legal. There is NO one from this board that encouraged me to stay with him, they said I should move on. But for me as long as he could not take that step to get rid of me I wasn't going to either. Quite honestly, I never stopped loving him but there were plenty of days I had to dig deep to keep my love alive. There were days the pain was so bad I was physically ill.

I learned more patience and stamina and endurance than I ever knew was possible. My H is here now, we are growing forward together again. The road is very long, but rewarding.

[JR09]

I've lost so much trust and faith in him. I don't think very highly of him anymore. Did you go through this? If so, how do you get through that piece?

Lost,

Hi again. Great to hear from you. Looking at your quote, I have to say I am the one who was the bad guy. I think my W probably said those words herself. If you were to mask her, she probably would agree with you about the loss of trust and faith, the lack of respect...


I am just very proud of my W that she found enough strenght to say "enough is enough, I refuse to put up with Joel's crap anymore !!!" And she left with our kids. First I was mad when she left. Then I put myself in her shoes and understood the reaction: " no more crap". I later told her a year later how proud I am of her. And I still am. I take responsability for all the reasons that pushed my W to leave.

Now, I have made some serious changes, and I am glad. It's now a matter of hoping my W also acknowledges those changes as well and maybe dares to be vulnerable enough to approach me, engage me in a positive way. I certainly am not there yet, but I cherish the thought that if my boys recognize how much I have changed, then maybe my W could do the same as well.

Again, Lost, remember: if YOU change, your H will change as well. Strive to regain your kindness. Purify your heart, and I promise you will see your H in a different light.

Don't quit, Lost. I'm with you all the way.

Joel