What should I do?

[TulsaTime]

Forrest,

What is it that you want? For the marriage? For yourself?

Once you are sure in your mind and heart, then you have resolve and hope and patience to endure and find the solutions, or not.

[Forrest Gump]

"Forrest why is it hard to interact with your children? Your wife aside, As a man and father I'd work on that."

Well one of them is a 16 year old D.. who acts a whole lot like the stuff I don't like. They say we teach our kids things. I might agree.

I generally am not an outgoing person.

How would you suggest I "work" on that?

[Forrest Gump]

Counseling.. she has agreed to it.

I have had a hard time finding "someone".

This has struck me as odd this time around.

Early Feb is when "someone" can help.

For me.. I am just not sure that is enough. I will follow thru and hope for the best.

I find the lack of "effort" on her part very.. distracting and typical.

I don't place my kids as first in my life. For this I have been found "lacking". Simply because she does.

To me.. it starts with me and her. If that is "lacking" then the cycle will continue. I may be the cause of it all.. or the "starter". But I am not sure if that is reasonable.. or fair.

Right now.. I clearly don't know how to get that point across in a manner which she understands. I thought it was clear.. but she clearly does not understand.

I suspect she feels exactly the same way.

[Forrest Gump]

"What is it that you want? For the marriage? For yourself?"

This seems like an odd question. Mainly because of the way you worded it.

If I answer it based on what the question is.. I would say..

I want my marriage to work. I want her to understand that my actions are not intended to hurt her. I feel like we have both bent over backwards at times.. to make that clear. But it has fallen on deaf ears. We both have sacrificed alot. But we both find ourselves "lacking" each other. To a point I think we are just looking for something to "break" the cycle.. but it has not happened yet.

If I looked at your question with "Emotion" involved.. I would say..

Did you not read my posts? Did you not do your homework? Can you not "see" the work I have done? At the bare minimum she thought things were good enough to get back together. Why am I just now finding out that she still does not give a crap about me? Why are you asking me what I want?

"Once you are sure in your mind and heart, then you have resolve and hope and patience to endure and find the solutions, or not."

I know what I want. I have the resolve and hope.. and patience.

Can you help me find the solution?

Or.. Not?

If you have questions.. ask them.

You lead.. I will follow.

[sgctxok]

Hey Forrest!

Just thinking about you, I just saw you posted the other day. I'll respond better in a day or two--not feeling very well, and want to give it a lot of consideration.

sg

[fb2]

FG, You are still thinking on the "attraction" plane; isn't all this old hat and déjà vu? Yes there's "work" and "feeling" and "looking" and "solutions" and "emotions". But when you get to the bottom of it all ... where is the commitment you BOTH made? Are you following my lead?

[Forrest Gump]

"But when you get to the bottom of it all ... where is the commitment you BOTH made? Are you following my lead?"

Yes.. I am following.

Let me be clear in that I am not attracted to my wife anymore.

This is absolutely an emotional response.

She has even said the words I feel like I have grown and you have not.

Not sure I totally agree with her.. but I understand why she said it.

This is not really deja vu.

We are in the same place.. but I "see" much different thought's.

I could walk away (Hand over the papers on the porch) right now.

But I still question if that is really the best choice.

I could "Do Something Different" and get my own place and move on with my life.

Honestly "by the book" it would be a perfect example of LRT.

But I still question if that is really the best choice.

Lets be clear.. If one of us "leaves" it is done. I told myself if I ever found myself here again that was it. I say that only because "no one" has been "forced" to leave. I am OK with the slow movement. It is easier for me to "see" things.

So FB2.. where do you want to "lead" to now?

[Forrest Gump]

Whenever you are ready SG the Mod.

[fb2]

"Let me be clear in that I am not attracted to my wife anymore."
That's not surprising.

"She has even said the words I feel like I have grown and you have not."
She "feels like"? How has she grown? Who decides what growth is? Must you both grow the at the same rate and in the same direction and see things the same way?

"We are in the same place.. but I "see" much different thought's."
What do you mean? You "think" you've grown too?

"Honestly "by the book" it would be a perfect example of LRT."
People don't follow the book.

"But I still question if that is really the best choice."
All it takes is one of you to make that choice; in which case the other then has no choice - like murder. I would question it even it both of you made the choice - like murder-suicide. They even say its good for the kids.

[Queen_of_Swords]

"Weigh everything carefully because the road to D is filled with hurt and pain."

Yes I know.

The issues have become the differences in the way people think. I get that. But it is hard to argue with someone that does not get what a physical LL means. It feels so dirty to try and talk thru it. I thought when we got back together in 2008 that I was clear. I know she understood the majority of it.. but she did not fully understand. I guess what I came away with from tonight's conversation with her was this.

Even though I am "doing" things.. they don't hit the mark. While I think I am doing things that should fill the "love bucket" up.. they just are not. This is what makes me not understand. I have tried different things. I am reasonably creative.. but it just is not "doing" things for her. So.. I "see" the cycle.. but can't do anything to change it.

For example..

I need to "get some" for my love bucket to fill up. But when we got back together she said she needed to feel "not pressured".

She needs to "see" me doing things with the kids. I am not good at this. That fills up her love bucket.

My kids don't lack for much. But I am missing the mark somewhere.

That about sums up my thoughts for tonight.

FG I'm going to write something that I have learned.
I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me.

In a NORMAL and healthy female/male committed relationship there is a dynamic going on.
The dynamic is this: Men are 10% emotionally based, and 90% sexually based. Women are 10% sexually based, and 90% emotionally based.

When you ML , your bucket that is full 90% and empty that 10% gets filled by the 10% she has available, and you feel connected and loving towards her.
he reverse is true for her. If you give her that 10% of emotional connection she needs, you fill her emotional bucket to 100%, and she feels connected and loving to you!

Then a happy little circle continues to go 'round and 'round and you both get what you need. This is easier to see as a diagram, so I hope I make some sense to you. If not I will describe how to draw it, if you are a visually based learner.

The challenge for you is this. Women feel emotionally connected to you by Talking to you and with you LISTENING. That's primarily how women get emotionally 'fed'. You don't have to problem solve, and you don't have to do it for hours. Although the first time you do this you're gonna wish she'd shut up already. Her need to talk will diminish the more you allow it until it becomes natural and comfortable and shouldn't require more than 20 minutes of your full attention per day.

D'ya think you could initiate a conversation, really be involved and an active listener? Perhaps touch her in a non sexual way? Hold her hand, touch her hair, have an arm around her? The let her initiate for the "no pressure part" This may take some time. I'm not saying it's an instant solution.

Did you know the Hebrew word for love means " to give of oneself"? Can you give of yourself without asking for a return right now?

If your wife's emotional bucket gets filled by seeing the children you created together with their loving Dad enjoying their presence, and interacting together, then try...

I'm not your wife, but I can tell you the greatest joy we have is to see our children be loved and played with and treated as the earthbound angels they are. You don't have to do anything special. Parallel play is fine, if you can find an activity that you can do side by side but individually, or a project that you can help with ( but not take over). It can be as simple as playing with play dough with them, or doing a science project just for fun, or building a model. Find something.

It's not the material things that matter here...it's your TIME.