just some thoughts from B

[Queen_of_Swords]

Don't be so sure there wasn't abuse.
I have seen horrible abusive things said to children in a perfectly normal voice.
There are 20 types of abuse and he may have seen, known or experienced some of them.

They are:
Emotional Abuse - any communication, admonition, reprimand or reproof that does not uplift or edify. Put downs,name calling,conditional love,extreme controlling behaviour, mentally coercive behaviour,mind games and loss of identity.
Male Priviledge: Treats partner as a servant, makes all the big decisions,acts like master of the castle ( has an Archie Bunker chair)
Abuse of Power: Denies basic rights,Deprives people of personal time,mandates duties, uses legal means to force power,controls everything...even amount of bathwater. what can be eaten, what clothing is worn, style of hair.
Stalking: Spies, follows partner, displays extreme distrust and jealousy,makes persistant phone calls, writes messages and leaves them on windshields, mailboxes,cards, sends harassing letters, faxes. writes graffiti,sends unwanted gifts,comes home at unexpected times, monitors phone calls with answering machine, forces partner to carry a pager, installs surveillance systems and bugs phones.
Sexual Abuse: Demands bizarre or unwanted sex acts, physically attacks sexual parts partner's body,threatens to find another partner, forces sex/rape or marital rape, extremely jealous, looks at pornography,treats partner as a sex object,interrupts partner's sleep for sex.
Verbal Abuse:Curses, accuses,name calls,uses the past to control,manipulates,makes unreasonable demands, commits mental blackmail.
Property Violence: Destruction of property, puts holes in walls, breaks down doors, pounds table, includes abuse of or killing the family pet.
Threats: Threatens to end the relationship,do harm emotionally or physically, partner's life, suicide,to take children. Will report to authorities after forcing partner to break the law ( selling drugs, prostitution,stealing, writing bad checks,using someone else's credit card. Defruading welfare, Social Security, IRS,disability insurance. Threatens to not financially support partner.Threatens sexual assault.
Intimidation: Threatens partner with looks, gestures, tone of voice, actions, cursing, continual arguing,makes partner say what he wants them to say, forces partner to listen to them,forces partner to report to him.
Jealousy: uses jealousy as a sign of love,controls what partner does,who they see and talk to, where and when they go out, refuses to let partner join in any activity outside the home. Drops in to "watch", isolates partner from friends and family, is possessive of partner in every area of their life.
Knowledge Abuse: recieves limited amount of counselling and uses it against their partner. Uses knowledge of partners past against them and or turns partners family against them using information about the past. Reads and listens to self help books and tapes, then uses that informatioon to blame the partner for problems in the relationship. Uses their higher level of knowledge or intellect to verbally or emotionaly abuse the partner.
Using Children: Uses visitation as a way to harass, threatens children, uses child support as leverage,teenage children may be used to take responsibility for finances,obligations, responsibilites and feelings. Intimidates through looks, actions, gestures and tone of voice, cursing to cause fear in partner and children.
Humiliation: Criticizes,discounts partners: childcare,housekeeping , cooking, self worth. Forces partner to eat things they don't want, or to dress to please them. Puts partner down then demands sexual intimacy.Uses hostile humour,publically humilates partner,moves frequently, forces partner to stay in the home.
Isolation: Controls who is seen,what is done. listens to phone conversations,requires partner to use a cell phone or pager,keeps partner from family,needs to know where partner is at all times,requires partner to be available at all times. Leaves no means of transportation.Does not allow partner to open the mail,moves frequently, requires partner to stay in the home.
Responsibility Abuse: Makes partner responsible for everything in life ( bills, children, etc.) Makes partner responsible for THEIR life, makes others responsible for their wrongful actions.
Religious Abuse: Uses scripture and words like "submission" and "obey" to abuse. Uses spiritual language and misuses position of power or leadership to influence the selfish interest of someone other than the person who needs help. Uses spiritual intimidation, manipulation or excessive discipline by abusing religious systems and being legalistic,mind controlling, religiously addictive,and authoritarian. Manipulates through shame,guilt,and fear, misuses position and makes the other live up to "spiritual standard"
Silent Abuse: Uses silence as a weapon,cannot or will not communicate, lacks mechanisms to express emotions.
Medical Abuse: Meets someone with pre-existing medical conditions then prevents them from gettting their medical needs met. Creates damage or an injury that requires medical attention then prevents them from getting that need met. Gets angry at, puts down or denies the pain of the person with medical needs. Has medical knowledge and uses it to hurt or kill someone through medical procedures or medicine. Makes fun of or puts down partner with medical needs in private or in public. Has an affair because of partner's medical needs.
Financial Abuse: Ruins partner's credit,puts cars, home, recreational property in his name only. Spends partner's money, credit or savings to make them dependant. Ruins children's credit, gets credit cards in their names, Uses partners credit without their knowledge, spend partner's money instead of their own on outings such as dinner,movies, sporting events,shopping, or personal use. Spends partner's saving to make them dependant.
Economic Abuse: Restricts employment,makes partner ask for money,gives an allowance,takes partner's earned money,makes partner account for expenditure of every penny,interferes with partner's work( ie. hides the keys to transportation),does not pay the bills,hides or witholds financial resources,refuses to work and support the family.