My Story - He Cheated while I was Pregnant

[AJM80]

Hi -
Married in 2004, after dating since 1999. A few short breakups through college and one big breakup before deciding we were going to relocate together and he proposed. He instigated the breakups.

After our daughter was born in 2008, we were very close emotionally, very happy, but started to drift apart. He quit his job and started grad school when she was 3 months old. I felt I had to go back to work to keep our family debt down. He stopped being physically affectionate and started pushing me away. I resented having to work like crazy in a job I was going to quit, but now needed to keep for benefits and flexibility with his schedule and the baby's. One light in all this was that we were going through this in order to relocate and be closer to our parents/buy a house finally/fufill some of our mutual goals.

In Nov we found out baby #2 was surprising us and coming a few years ahead of planned (I wanted 3 kids, husband wanted 2, but after the 1st had made a few comments about just having 1, since the one we got was so sweet and perfect).

The summary of what happened in the last year - he met with his old company at a school event and got a lot of crap for "quitting such an awesome job to go to school" from classmates. He started to decide he did not want to leave NYC. He started not to be proud of our family and hardly told anyone we were pregnant. He was angry when I said I didn't want him to buy something (like $80 jeans or taking a really expensive class ski trip (NOT a family trip - just leaving me with the baby, pregnant, working, and him going off with a bunch of random people for a week and spending several thousand dollars we did not have)). I fully supported another trip he went on for 2 days with classmates to meet a famous investor and it was a last minute flight/opportunity, so I was not a shrew about everything. We still ate out and went to see our familiies on trips. He was surprised about the baby, like me, but very sweet and supportive for the first few months. I was morning sick frfor months and miserable/happy.

We thought he would know last NOV about a new job, but he found out in Dec/Jan that most of the places hired in March/April for the area that he wanted. He struggled with a crazy schedule last spring - he took 19 hours of classes to "get the full experience" and interviewed, and did a couple clubs, and had a wife nd kid at home. He went to a strip club at the end of April. Went to a hotel room and tried, unsuccesfully to have sex with her. they started sexting and talking and internet chatting. He "did not pay her", but at the end of May started meeting her in hotel rooms, having unprotected sex. She was also doing this with several other men, usually protected.

In Sept we moved into a rental house, he started working at his old compnay, and I figured out he was cheating on me. In Nov he moved out. I found out later that he was still sleeping with her and he told me "I'm, in love with her, we're dating, she's still stripping, I think I can help her, she doesn't know I am married or have kids". I had gone to counselling with him, recorded all the details of this for filing divorce, etc. He said ILYBINILWY, etc. comes to see the kdis 2x a week. Walks into our house, texts me sometimes, calls to talk to the kids, drove us back to our parents for Christmas, but we did not celebrate it together. There's more...I just need to take a break from typing and see what you guys want to know, think here. I've been trying to take care of myself. I look nice when he comes. Sometimes I eat dinner with them, sometimes I go off and do my own thing. I've been a friendly person in this. He's a real mess and going to a psycho therapist on his own next week. I would have liked to stay married forever, I see how we both just got overwhelmed and lost sight of each other. I just don;t understand how he can say I'm his best friend, then turn into a lunatic who throws away everything for someone who was "just sex" a few weeks ago. We're 30. The stripper is 20. Neither of our parents are divorced and I do not think he's ever cheated before, other than chatting a girl up in an airport before our last breakup before he decided he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and what was he waiting for.

[wanda15]

AJM80, I am sorry you find yourself here and so sorry you are hurting. There are some really great vets on this forum that can give some awesome advice.

I was wondering what your intimate life was like? Were you guys ok there? Was there lots of affection? Was it a SSM? Only asking so you can get the best advice possible. What are, if any, H's reasons for leaving? Besides the stripper????

Keep posting here. It helps.

[AJM80]

Thanks! Before baby, we were intimate regularly until I went off the pill. I needed a break from it for a couple reasons/had been working a lot and hadnt found a new dr and he resented using condoms and felt pressured to have kids. Overall, I feel like we worked through those issues. Especially when he decided he was ready to have a baby and I agreed I was ready too - that was tons of fun and we did pretty well during the preg too - I felt loved and cared for and I think he did too. After baby was very SSM _ he'd push me away, though, not vice versa. I tried not to pressure him and make it something to fight about.

Somethings he said - we never have sex, it feels like death by a thousand cuts, I love you, but i'm not in love with you, you're my best friend, i feel like we're roommates, I feel like when i look at my resume - you did 2/3rds of it - not me, i've been thinking about divorce for a long time - since before we had kids, i took you for granted, I feel mothered/smothered, he said I should go live closer to my parents and raise our kids there/we'd be happier/better off that way. He's said he doesn't feel heard, I emasculate him....It's depressing to write about...I can see his point on some of these things, but I also feel angry (in a sort of detached, not going to let it rule my world way) about how he treated me and pushed me away. To the point of cheating as an "atomic bomb" to end things.

[AJM80]

Wanda = I'm really sorry your husband just walked out again, I hope he gets things straight in him this time and things work out. Thanks for the advice.

I do feel like my husband ultimately left because he couldnt stay away from her/didnt really want to. I thought we'd be living a dream right now...reconnecting after a lot of hard work, planning a trip with the gparents watching the kids, maybe some counseling to help us listen better, making a home after years in cramped apartments and student housing. We have pretty common values/goals for our kids and they are sweet/healthy/gifts...not a lot of stress there.

[AJM80]

Ahhhhhh - anyone around? My soon to be ex is sitting in our house, watching a dvd. He helps himself to ice cream...he did wash his dishes and put away our baby's leftovers, which is new, helpfulness. But he started to take the laptop up to (our) MY bed to sit and watch his movie (both kids are napping). I said nicely to stay off my bed, so he went to the kitchen instead.

Did I do right? Is it good or bad that he's just acting like he's at home in our house?

I wrapped up my movie and left. went tanning for some vitamin D and quiet time + jamming in the car to some music. C-LO "forget you" - that goes out to you OW. And bruno Mars "Grenade" such a good cheater song.

Anyway - help, please. Headed back home in a few to see if my baby is up.

Also, he noticed last weekend that I had bought new "micheal kors sunglasses"...I didn't tell him they were cheapo from TJ maxx...I don't know if this was him noticing changes or being pissy that he felt I was spending a lot on myself?

[AJM80]

I'm freaking out. I had a therapy appointment today and she started talking about maybe he's got something major he's hiding based on a few behaviors I mentioned. How is that helping me? She's been a great therapist, but now I am in a spin. I sent him a text, joking that she'd thrown out that he was on Speed or involved with the Mafia. He wrote back, no illegal drugs or activity. I wrote back, Haha, I told her you're the guy burying people out on Long Island and you sell drugs to kindergardners (sort of dark humor, he'd appreciate)....

Now I want to call him and have a heart to heart. My problem with DB'ing is there's no talking/questioning....which is probably why it works...If I went after him everytime I wanted to talk, we would probably be in court already. Is there a time/place for that in all this? Or do I wait till we're together and "piecing"? Or divorced and done - then I can ask for closure on this episode of my life/our relationship?

[AJM80]

Ok, so babies went to a doctor tonight. They've been sick and I started to worry about the 6 month old having trouble breathing at night. Emailed husband to let him know we were done at drs. He called to get the update.

I asked him to let me know how his therapy appt (the 1st goes tomorrow) and he broke down telling me his mom told him there is depression in the family. He's worried this will happen to our kids, he said he told her he's really been missing us lately, and feels like he's hopeless and a failure and upset that he's not the person he thought he was. He finally told me why he went off the tracks. When he felt like he failed at our goals and couldn't get a job and just checked out of the relationship at a time when we were both stressed and unhappy with our situations.

I don't know what this will mean. He said he was going to call his mom back to talk about family history. He said we'd talk more weds when he comes to visit the kids. He said he'd let me know how therapy goes. He said he doesn't think he's suicidal.

He did not say anything about reconciling or breaking up with the OW. He said he shouldn't talk to me about this/put this on me. I'm just glad if nothing else good comes out of this that he was honest about what pushed him over the edge and how he bad he feels today about what he did.

So now what? I'm not sending him texts or calling him till he calls me tomorrow, I'm not going to mother him or just forget that I need to be happy/GAL too and not get all emotionally tied up in this day to day stuff.

[wanda15]

Well you are in a real pickle with this one. I read your thread and I am pretty sure your H has been talking to my H cuz they sound the same!!! LOL!!

One thing I noticed is that you need some boundries with H. I remember that feeling I got when H would be gone for awhile and then he would come back to the house and act like it was his right to be there. Sorry buddy, you left. Your house is your space and he needs to respect that. Good for you on not letting him on the bed. They don't get to have there fun one day and show up and make us uncomfortable the next.

I used to do the same thing. This time around I set major boundries. Right now I don't even let him in the house. And he has to text me before coming over. I have told him no. H doesn't like it much, but I need to breathe and not worry about when he will show up. Some of my boundries may seem to harsh but it is what I need to do right now.

I think you need to figure out what is best for you and set those boundries with him.

As for the call you got from him, be careful. Do not get your hopes up. WAS can backslide too. Listen and verify but do not bite. Remember your DBing.

Hope your night goes well.

[AJM80]

Thank you! You're right. He texted this morning/late last night -
I'm so sorry. It's not fair to expect you to play both sides (caring for both you and me) when you already loved me as unconditionally as possible. Sorry I didn't come w/ a warranty.

I wrote back that it was "goods sold as is" and that "honest emotion was more valuable than therapy". I don't know when his appt is or if he'll call and I am trying to ignore it. The kids are still sick, so we're cooped up again, ugh! Much easier when we can run around and do other things.

Since he's visiting the kids in our house, I am still working on boundaries. The kids and I are going to my parents for the next week, that'll give us some space and time away.

[wanda15]

A little get-a-way is a good thing. Gives you time to breathe. I hope your kiddies get better. I hate it when my kids are sick.

Maybe with your time away you could write yourself a list of boundries. Sometimes it helps to see things you want to accomplish when they are in black and white. This was you can re-read what you are thinking.

Keep posting too, it does help. Keeps fingers busy so we are not texting!!

Big hugs for you!