Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am still willing to work, but not to the point where I become a shell of myself, running only to stay in place and gaining no ground.

I ask the question because YOU deserve the answer.

Your answer.

What Jimbo said is HIS answer. (heya Jimbo)

My answer? I found out the most amazing things about love by choosing not to let what my spouse chooses right now define me, my M or my love for her.

I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet, not by a long stretch.

Quid pro quo? Great legal theory but this life. This is love.
Will you only give what you get?

I gave and I gave, I don't think there is much of me left to give, and what was given was discarded like so much trash, and I'm no Jesus Christ.

There is a thing called a losing battle. Unfortunately I'm not the only one that will not come away from this battle, win or lose, undamaged. Our children will too. When they reach adulthood they have the example of their Dad bailing. I cannot teach them how to be husbands or fathers.

Scylla we all are challenging you here as we were challenged.

It is the only way to grow.

If you dig back far enough on these boards you will see when I got here and how angry I was.

You can do this AND it is worth doing.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ahhh good I'm glad that there isn't some deep rooted self esteem issues.

If your H is in an MLC then you already have enough self esteem hits going on.

Being an LBS is a test of yourself, pretty sure none of the posters who are posting to you would say they wished they never had been tested. As strange as that sounds.

They are not being obtuse or overly critical. Many have been where you are, listen with an open ear.

And no one wants to live that way either. Not asking you too, just asking to give it your best shot.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Edit - pardon my flu addled brain.

just asking you to give it (DB) your best shot.

While you cannot teach them how to be a father or husband, you can show them what they should be looking for in a wife and mother. You're their template for that. He bailed, you don't have to yet.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thank you for this post. I have some inkling of what's going on with H. Truthfully the toolkit that I inherited and learned to handle life wasn't optimal either...hence the five year program I embarked on.

Damaged and abused people tend to pick other damaged and abused people that shore up their weaknesses and deficiencies, and I know that.

I have the greatest empathy for my H, knowing his history, his behavioural patterns and I know ( although I have a hard time really understanding it viscerally) he is in pain too. That's his work. I just hope the Divine decides to swat him with a clue by four sooner than later, for our children's sake at least.

[Truegritter]

he is in pain too. That's his work.

Remember this Scylla.

It is really important.

[Mach1]

... and that's where my problem lies. Remove my husband from the conclusion, you say. Fine, so I do this; then what is the difference between doing this and just going with his wish to divorce and calling it quits?

Because you are giving him time and space to find himself. Time to sort through who he has become throughout his life without the constraints of a lifetime at his heels.

As Jim stated....it is HOW you let go, that matters...

If I am not considering him as part of the conclusion then dissolving financial, property, physical, emotional ties, and living my life on my terms with our kids (whom I already parent primarily by myself), and meeting my very real need for emotional intimacy, affection and sex with someone else who IS willing to meet those needs seems more reasonable and healthy. Harbouring an unrequited love and continuing to live with my needs unmet, is not how I wish to live.

Having your needs met by another person is secondary to being able to meet your own needs.

That should be foremost in your mind....meeting your own needs.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Because you are giving him time and space to find himself. Time to sort through who he has become throughout his life without the constraints of a lifetime at his heels.
As Jim stated....it is HOW you let go, that matters...
I am really having difficulty with this concept. Letting go to me is just that - dropping it, leaving it alone, and walking away from it and not looking back.


Having your needs met by another person is secondary to being able to meet your own needs.

That should be foremost in your mind....meeting your own needs.

[/quote]

I am meeting my own needs as best as I can, I have had to. Even within my now dead marriage, what he couldn't or wasn't willing to give me I sought out elsewhere. I am not speaking of a PA or other infidelity. I am speaking of freindships and other ways to fulfill the needs I had/have.

However my need for physical affection/touch, caring love and sex is NOT being met. It cannot be met unless it is in a committed relationship, which has just blown up in my face. And I am dying a little every day from the lack of that.

[Cadet]

Can I teach you how to make quotes on your thread?
It will make your posts a little easier to read.

Easiest way, hit quote button on the bottom, instead of reply and eliminate(delete) text you do not want.

Second way copy text the way you are and hit 5th button from the right
which will give you [quote][/quote I am leaving out last bracket, paste text between brackets.

Third way is to type above in manually [quote] ..text..[/quote .....(again last bracket missing).

You can use the preview button to see what your post will look like before you submit it.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thank you for the suggestions. I'm not very familiar with this particular posting method on this BB.

[dl443322]

SC, I was thinking about you and wanted to write. Please forgive me, but I havent read the entire thread.
|
I wanted to tell you about me a little. I had to, to say the least, a horrific childhood. One in which I was made to feel unwanted, unloved and worthless. I allowed my h to make me feel unworthy.

As you said, hear all that enough times, and you start to believe it. And I heard it for almost 50 years, first from my mother, then my h.

I no longer believe it..

I tell you this because a very large part of why is this process.

I do not believe that this path or the people on here are telling you to change your core person. Uh, uh, no way. And you surely should not change as a means to get your h back.

While most of what my h said when I got the bomb was not true as I saw it. I realized, over time, that some of it was most definitely true. I was dependent and needy and insecure.

And the truth is, while it was important to realize how I got that way, I knew that what was more important was that I no longer wanted to be that way.

I had to dig really deep to see what my contributions were to the problems in my marriage. While I did not see this coming, as time went on, I realized that there were issues I didnt address.

So, I figured out what things about me I wanted to change. Not as a means of getting h back, but, really and truly for me.

My friends on here challenged me, they poked and proded and wouldnt let me off the hook. It was a long, arduous process. Not for the weak of heart.

Soon, I was no longer looking over my shoulder to see what h was doing. I was looking ahead at me becoming the person I was meant to be.

I am not perfect. Far from it. But, I know who I am. I like who I am. I have a long road ahead. One that will be filled with many challenges.

But I thank God for putting these people in my life and for giving me the strength to hang in. And I thank my h. While I wish he didnt do what he did, the way he did it,but I would have still been stuck where I was and might never have become who I should be.

So, you can walk away and cut your losses, if you choose. You would not be the first.

You can dig in and see where this journey takes you.

I see in you someone who is willing to work hard, someone bright and insightful and a fighter.

You can see where this takes you. You have nothing to lose. But, oh, man, what you might gain.

You lose nothing by putting your marriage safely away for a time. Until you can make a decision from a place of real strength and understanding.

Either way, we will support you and wish only the best for you.

Here's the great thing - YOU get to decide.