What next???

[AntoniaB]

The part where you said "how do I get myself to feel that way" is exactly what I was saying to myself for a long time. Here's my advice:

1. You can do some things to get in the position where you feel that way, but you almost can't rush it before you're ready, if that makes sense. Some of that comes from acceptance and to some extent that is a time factor that is different for everyone and is partially out of your control.

2. I do think having a mantra in place for when you have obsessive thoughts can help you (you said there is anger and constant thoughts of him). If you feel you went through your anger and you're "stuck" and want to get past it, start using a mantra. I used one a friend told me which is a quote from Shakespeare: "that way madness lies." Because obsessive thoughts lead to a form of "madness." Every time I'd get centered on him in a negative way, I'd catch myself and just go "stop it, Antonia, that way madness lies." Repeat as needed. It worked. Especially if I'd wake up in the middle of the night. So use that one or come up with a simple mantra. "Sarahani, go to your peaceful place." It's the repetition of a simple phrase every time that eventually makes it habit. In fact if you put your hands in a certain way--place them on your lap or something in the same position as you say the words--then eventually you build in a physical "cue" so that simply placing your hands in the same way creates an instant calming effect. I learned that to work on panic attacks and it works for obsessive thoughts too.

3. Start actively seeking out moments in the day that give you joy. This sounds weird--I'm not really saying orchestrate happy events. I'm saying start noticing things you normally ignore. When you feel the bad stuff, do that mantra. Then look around you. Notice something, anything, that is lovely. Walk outside and feel the air on your face. Look at a pretty tree. Open up a book that you love and read a page. Put music on and focus on it. Really pay attention to something that someone says that makes you laugh hysterically.

The more I tried to really be "present" in the moment and find happiness or silliness or just calm in what was around me, I started to find TONS of things that were "better" than the sadness in my heart. And the more that I'm aware of this stuff, the more it is taking over the negative. This is making me more detached every day.

You're not just trying to detach from HIM. You're trying to detach from the bad patterns of the marriage and the things that you weren't happy with for yourself. You're trying to turn a page on your life. It's an enormous effort, yes. The security of that past, however troubled, is still security. The 180s aren't just for your behavior with him. They are for your behavior with yourself and the way YOU approach life. It really is about being kinder to yourself and we have to TEACH ourselves how to do that. It can come from noticing things that normally we took for granted, things that had NOTHING to do with our partners but just with our own way of viewing the world.

When I really started to focus on all of that, the detachment started to feel like less effort and I felt better and more peaceful as a result.