Need Insight IV

[InAPickle]

I guess what I'm getting at is I'm wondering how big a deal it is if you now have seperate accounts? Is she just trying to restore her independance?

All our bank and major credit accts have been joint accts in our 18 yrs of marriage.

Yes, she is trying to restore her independence (and get a jump on being divorced, it seems to me)

That's why this is causing me anxiety right now. And the fact that she has an appt. today. Usually if it's hair or nails she'll just say so. This time, just an appt.

[Truegritter]

Pickle stop mind reading and getting wet before it rains.

None of this do you control so it is futile.

Easier said then done but try.

I wore a sport coat yesterday that I had not worn in a while and happened to check the pocket which contained a prayer card from my Grandmother's funeral over a year ago.

She was great lady and lived to be 93. That memory was for me. Finding the card and to recall how she lived her life with grace and dignity.

The prayer I think is for you so here it is:

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is injury, let me sow pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkeness, light
Where there is sadness, Joy

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned


I edited for brevity.

It is not the natural thing for us to let go of hurt and injury and give way to compassion.

It is a challenge and most people don't choose it

But it is healthy.

If you were scared and confused Pickle how would you want to be loved?

Let her struggles go and give them to God. All in His time.

You can read this today and it may change your outlook but if you read those words every day and live them like they are your skin

You will change your life and those connected to you including your W.

Your goal may be to get your W back right now but there is greater achievement for you here than you are aware.

Keep your faith in yourself.

[ironMan]

Wow, TrueGrit ..... that really helped me. I felt fine, and reading that made me cry a bit ... strange how that happens these days.

That's a beautiful and wonderful prayer and says exactly what this whole process is about. Yes, our friends and relatives may think we're crazy to stick by our spouse when they are acting crazy and hurting us. But, we do it because it is the right thing ... for US ... it's not for THEM (the WAS, or the relatives) ... to show grace when showing anger would be easier.

[InAPickle]

Prayer of st. Francis.
I'll keep it in mind.
Just having a hard time today.

[angel61]

PIckle, I'm praying for you right now. I understand your anxiety. My H was like that .... at first I used to be so happy whenever he would start being friendly, until I noticed a pattern: the friendliness was followed in many cases by him doing something hurtful. Like when he wanted to go visit OW, he was so nice to me, even invited me out a few times for wine tasting and dinner.

At this point, I'd advice you to think of what you should or should not say if and when she talks to you. I have found that if I don't do that, I end up being reactive and screwing up and saying things I shouldn't have said.

I have seen you progressing a lot in the detachment area. The pursuing - I myself thought that I was not pursuing any more, only to find out that even my expression (maybe of longing, of expecting) was seen as pressure, which is equal to pursuing. It does seem to have a huge scope....

[Truegritter]

Prayer of st. Francis.

Ayep! Can't tell we're Catholic can ya?

It was Grandmother's favorite prayer hence it was on her mass card.

So simple and powerful.

Keep your chin up Pickle.

All things must pass.

[InAPickle]

I thought I was doing so well; then yesterday the depression came in waves after the morning when I discovered:

1. W was going to see her lawyer.
2. Her paycheck did not show up in our joint acct.
3. Oh, and my company's struggles are now the interest of the IRS (let's just say we're behind).

I am feeling better Saturday morning though. There's nothing I can do about any of this sh!t. Still need to do some more letting go. Read something interesting at an MLC site:

"Detaching only releases a bond, returning control. Often a person grabs the cut cord, becoming the controlling Puppet-Master. Though the result of Detaching and Letting-Go is the same, the counterparts—Attachment and Holding-On are not. Letting-Go is a conscious release. To Detach, one must become conscious of being Attached; Holding-On is a choice. The Rodeo Cowboy Holds-On; the marionette is Attached. Even the grammar is passive. The difference is Choice."

from: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/releasers_let-go.html

[Truegritter]

Very interesting distinction made here.

And one to remember, that this is all YOUR choice.

[InAPickle]

Well I was right about the lawyer appt. wrong about the paycheck.

She told me D papers were coming this week.

She said her work is on a new payroll system and there's a glitch.

I will get my own atty as soon as I get them.

[Denver_2010]

Hang in there Pickle.