What would you do if you found something? How would you confront her? What do you think her reaction would be to your efforts. Do you think it would help or hurt things?
Just curious.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I've of course thought about that. I would honestly come out with guns blazing...
"W, I asked you to no longer communicate with OM. We have learned together in the past ? Days what D will do to our children/family. We've learned that we had a great opportunity to make our M better then ever. You've chosen a different path. I hope you made the right decision. Please find another place to sleep and you have 60 days to move out."
If she didn't do as I asked I would file for D the next day. I can't have OM in her life. Because I believe mine is to valuable to allow it.
I realize this method is not for everyone bit it's the only method I can see using.
Supporting W while she sees OM? Over my dead body!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Harrier my take is a bit different than SBH's...although I totally support his trust but verify approach. My difference was that she knew I was going to do it.
Rebuilding trust seemed to me that I needed to be honest with her as well.
But different situations, my shoes don't fit SBH's feet and his don't fit mine.
What would you do?
Did you lay down a boundary? If you did now you have to live up to the consequences of it.
I'm all for boundaries but only when the LBS is able to handle the consequences of them.
My question for you Harrier, is have you found something out, or just planning for the worst? Because if you're looking a donut and all you see is the hole...maybe you need to change your view.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack..I'm more inclined to take your approach given my situation. If mine was different I might act different.
I agree that I need to honest with my W as well.
As an initial, the reason I haven't set firm boundaries is that form my wife they would be easily evaded. I don't have access to her work phone records or work email. She could be interacting that way and I fear if I pushed the boundaries thing AND she was still interested in the OM. She'd go that route.
I could easily put a key logger on her computer to get access to her gmail account. But I won't do it.
Honestly, I have to trust my wife. Some might say I'm a fool. But I can live with that.
I will say that for a month I did have access to the cell phone records and didn't find anything of concern. I didn't like when I would check and I didn't check that much.
This issue however has become a flash point in our marriage. I did check up on her twice in the last 2 weeks and had to ask her about what I found. Let me give you some background. In december, my W agree to cut off contact with the OM. In mid Jan, my W told me that she might have more contact with the OM because of a work project. She told me before there was contact. I found that she did call his office one day for a conference call. All heck broke loose that day because my W felt I was checking up on her and wasn't trusting her. She said repeatedly that she is doing the things she needs to do for our marriage.
The second issue was last night. My w was going to a dinner for a colleague. it happened that the OM might show up. I found out (I checked her voice mail on her phone and heard another person say that he was might go) Of course, I confronted her before the dinner. She got mad. I really didn't give her a chance to tell me if he was there or not. I then lied about how I found out. Once she found the truth she got really angry saying I have to trust her and she is keeping herself in line. She said she can't be in a marriage where she isn't trusted and is being spied upon.
I would like to have a policy where she tells me if she is going to be contact with the OM. And my part of the bargain is not to flip out and not check up on her.
I haven't checked her email, haven't followed her or checked to see if she is at work. For 8 weeks, I do everything she ask, but the 2 of the maybe 6 times I check she finds out.
I really, really want to trust her, but she doesn't quite understand that the trust was broken between us...on both ends. It's like she expects me to have instant trust in her, but her trust in me will take time.
Honestly, I think she is kinda clueless on what the usual approach is in an EA. She wants to bring it up to the MC. I"m all for it because I think she will see that what I'm asking isn't that much.
The other problem is that my wife has now laid down a boundary on me. She says if I check her phone/email/ etc without her knowing and she finds out ... she will file for D. (I don't know if she actually means this because she has said it before, but didn't follow through)
My W isn't an irrational person. She knows she screwed up with this EA and it didn't get that deep. No ILY were exchanged, no secret plans to run off together, no secret dates, no physical acts. The OM is married and doesn't want to end his M. The most they said was that they have a strong affection for each other. I'm not stupid, there was a connection with this guy, but my W said she was crazy at the time and this was an escape for her. Things were not settled between us at home.
She said to me the best way I can make sure something like this never happens is to be the guy she's in love with. It makes sense.
Maybe I'm being too trusting here. But if that's my biggest fault. That might be okay.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I am bit confused here Harrier. By my best accounts of what I read in your sitch, it sounds like things are going pretty darn well for you right now. Granted, I am not and have never dealt w/ my W having an EA, but at some point, I think your instincts to trust her will serve you well. I can completely understand the temptation to check up on her, but unless I am missing something it doesn't sound like this R w/ this OM should be that threatening to you. In comparison to some of the other sitches I read about here, your W is an angel in comparison.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Harrier, My W was very firm initially in our reconciliation period. She said she is just going to continue to make good choices for US going forward... I did not check her phone, or question her about anything. I just watched her actions towards me. She did have to work pretty close with OM. These are a couple of RED FLAGS that I seen in my sitch. W would never say anything bad or negative about OM, One time she had called him for work and I walked in the room...she got real quiet and you could tell she felt guilty... When I set boundaries about "work only" talk with OM, she would always make excuses... Everyone talks about there family... I don't want it to be weird at work....
After this crap, I just knew that their was no way her heart could be "IN" this marriage and it was just a matter of time. But like I said, financially she just couldn't quit her job.
tjack...are you trying to scare me. No, I know you have good intentions. Warning me.
We had a long talk last night about things. She doesn't work closely with the guy at all and she has said some negative things about him like "he's got his own issues going on."
But she basically said that she can't cut off all interactions with him to and continue in her career and in her words "She has to make this marriage." Also, the OM has no interest in leaving his wife (I know this because I saw his emails) Not to mention if there could be some professional repercussions if they got involved.
So with that. I've just decided to move forward as is. I let her know that if I found anything crossing a line, It would probably be over.
But if she totally messes up and hurts me in the end. You can be the first person to o say "I told you so." Deal?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier, I definitely don't want to scare you, I just want to make sure you are aware of warning signs.....Does she tell you when she interacts with him? Thinks about him? I guess I would defer to Sandi, or someone else who has made it back after an affair as too what they would think of continued contact with the affair partner. It sounds like your hands are tied in this situation, so your hard stance of if you cross the line, IT IS OVER maybe is the best you can do. As far as telling you I told you so, it's not my style. I want you to be a success story.
