TAMF's Christmas Miracle?

[PEI]

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

This book REALLY had an impact on my thinking. I got over a huge hump by reading this and considering everything in it. Eric recommended it (thank you!!!) and it has been a very important book to me.

It doesn't focus a lot on "why they left." It focuses on YOU throughout, on what you are going through and how it affects you physically and emotionally and what YOU can do to help yourself and be kinder to yourself.

I think when you are several months post-bomb you have to try to get off the "why did he/she leave" and "what did I do wrong" and be more present-minded, and this book is all about that.

It's a great book.

Bottom line, it doesn't matter WHY they left. That is their path.

"What did I do wrong?" is helpful only in identifying where you can grow, what you can change for you and to help you build understanding and compassion for someone else's perspective. It should not be used to beat oneself up over and over again. Antonia, you are so right ... present-minded is where we should strive to be. Solution oriented. Forward moving.

Cheers,
PEI

[figgeroni]

Back in the day...a million years ago and only yesterday...
we used to say on here

that in order to be with someone else

you had to be your own favorite person to hang out with

missing companionship is different than feeling fulfilled by it

only when you are a whole person, all alone, are you ready to be with someone else

[Truegritter]

Good stuff ^^^^^

Another one is why would anyone want to be alone with you if you can't be alone with you

[KarenMarieS]

Well said Figgy!!

[punkin]

Okay guys, if this is a hijack, it just has to be. Instead of "What I did on my Summer Vacation", it's about "What I know about Myself".

I have two brothers and one sister, who are much, MUCH older than me.( 15-20 years) I pretty much grew up as an only child. I've always credited that with my singular independence. Also,the fact that my Mom died when I was 14, and I had to pretty much raise myself with a 67 year old Dad.

What I am reading is the confusion brought about by having your identities so tied up with your husband's, you don't know who the H you are. I've been an Army wife for 20 years, and had to be self sufficient, but even so, this happened to me. My identity was so wrapped up in being MSGT. @@@@'s wife, that when we split, I floundered around trying to find myself. If I wasn't his wife, was I anybody at all?

If I can feel this way, as used to being on my own as I am, then it's no wonder we all have these issues . . . AT FIRST.
Then, we start to find ourselves, slowly but surely. I found comfort and enjoyment in things that I had given up because he didn't or wouldn't participate. I began to like the woman I saw in the mirror. More than that, I began to RESPECT the woman I saw in the mirror.

I found myself yesterday smiling at the prospect of . . . . . everything. Sweeping the floor, laundry, cutting out a pattern, reworking an old mirror frame. I'M HAPPY. HOW THE HE11 DID THIS HAPPEN???

It happened because I found myself again. I found out I LIKED ME. I'm a good person. All of you on this board are the same. You are good people. You just don't realize how good you are yet. How fulfilled your life can be with no one but yourself for company. If your marriage fails, then, it won't be because you didn't give it all you had. It just is what it is.

All of us have to refind WHO WE ARE. Not as a couple, but as an individual. When we find that, we find our peace.

BECCA

[AntoniaB]

I totally agree, Becca. I didn't think I had an identity before as an individual. I lived with my parents first year of college. The DAY I WENT TO LIVE IN THE DORM, 2nd year, I saw my future H. Within 2 months, we were seeing one another. Within a week , we were proclaiming undying love, and within a month, we talked marriage. We barely ever fought, were inseperable for the next 3 years, and we excluded our friends. We didn't "need" them. We graduated together. Then he moved for his job.

This marked the ONLY time in my life I was apart from him for a year and a half. However, I drove to see him nearly every weekend. I spent vacations with him instead of my family (who by the way I lived with again). Not at any point in time was I ever forced to be an individual/apart. It was protection from my parents or him. Then we got married, and the rest is in my signature.

When my psychiatrist told me to find myself/develop myself as an individual apart from him, she said "who were you before you were a couple?" It was really hard to find that--but there was one small slice I could focus on: the time that I was in grad school and working part time (while living with my parents). There was no email, no cell phones, and neither of us could afford long distance calls. So from M to Thursday each week, I was without him and a student/writer/researcher. Guess what? When all this crap went down this summer, I became friends with a former student who was going to grad school. Due to her issues with her family and her fears about striking out to move 8 hours away alone to go to school, she and I bonded. She came at just the right time to help me remember that one part of me that was MINE all alone, not influenced by him or my parents.

And that small part is what I focused on and that, dear friends, is who I found out I am. I LOVE books. I love to read. I love to write analysis of books. I'm a perpetual student in so many ways, and this is why it turns out I am in the right career, as a professor (which I always doubted whether I was good enough to do), and suddenly, everything that isn't "him" is "right" for me.

So I think that even if you were a really sheltered individual like me, you can still figure out WHO you are if you look hard enough. There is something there in your core that you can develop that has nothing to do with your parents or your spouse that is yours and yours alone.

[Walking]

Great post Antonia.

There's also another really important distinction to make in this discussion. None of us are ALONE. We all have families and friends and colleagues and on-line buddies and mates. We are not alone when we don't have a partner - we are SINGLE.

There's a big difference in perception between the two words.

I've been single for nearly 5 years now since my X and I separated. I went through a period, about 12 months post separation where I dated and slept with what my sister and best friend refer to as my “summer of unsuitable men". I could have written the posts TAMF is writing now – and I think I did. I’m an extrovert and I “needed” company or I’d shrivel up and die.

Thing was, I was so sad and broken after my marriage broke down that I attracted men who were just as broken and sad as I was. I thought I was doing the work – and I WAS doing the work – it’s just that it’s hard, long, exhausting work to transform yourself. It takes longer than one heartbroken year.

Cut yourself some slack TAMF, but don’t slacken off on remembering that you control how you react to everything that happens in your life. It may be satisfying to be sassy or cheeky by text to your H – but it’s not productive or helpful to your goals. Ya know.

Now, when I date, I do so from a position of strength. I look for the clues toxic and immature men emit, I’m careful about what I believe and I never listen to what men say, but watch closely how they act. You’d be surprised how different the two often are! The most interesting thing I’ve discovered, is that if I dated my xhusband now – I don’t think we’d make it to a second date – he just wouldn’t cut it.

We see people as we want to see them, and we often have a rose colored view of our spouse – I call it the Marge Simpson effect – you know how she just LOVES Homer, regardless of how dysfunctional, irresponsible, inappropriate he is – she loves him, she doesn’t see those things about him. I think there’s a bit of Marge in all of us.

[TAMF]

Well, I have popped out of my cave to just see who else has posted to me. Thank you - all of you for sharing your thoughts.

When Punkin listed the things she likes about herself, I am drawn back to an email that I sent a friend who wanted to know - What do I really want to do for me? This was my response:

This is always an interesting question, because for 20 years I have been so very comfortable and satisfied with my life that I was always focusing ON ME. I lead a life that I basically did whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it. I married my soul mate, I had 2 children just like I wanted, I focused on my career (too much), I always made wonderful friends at all different stages of my life and always made time to be with them and there for them. I look back on my life and sadly all I DID was FOCUS ON MYSELF AND WHAT MADE ME HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME.

Now in reflection, I believe that I didn’t focus on the people most important in my life (my children and my husband). I have always come first. Don’t get me wrong! I am a loving, caring person and I always have been, but in retrospect never at the expense of what I wanted or what I felt was best for others in my life – I always had to be in control.

So when you ask me WHAT DO I WANT FOR ME – I am going to answer this question differently.

I want to be a great mom who enjoys all of the little pleasures of my children every day.

I want to be a great wife who is considerate, forgiving, non-controlling and SHUTS UP AND LISTENS

I want to focus on people in my life that bring me pleasure and try to bring pleasure to them

I want to read more

I want to continue hiking and exercising

I want to volunteer more in my community

***** I wrote this and thought that I had discovered this amazing insight about myself...but then I read my friends response and learned even more***************************

_________________________________________________________

So my friends response was this:You sound a lot like myself. The reality is that our self centeredness played a role (it was not the only reason) in the demise of our marriages. I say this NOT so that you can beat yourself up over it – NO – I say it so that you can recognize it, learn from it and begin the long (and I mean long), painful process of changing things about yourself that you do not like.

If you are anything like me that you will struggle with “selfishness”. You will struggle when you want to do something for YOU because you will want to overcompensate for your past mistakes. Don’t.

everything in life is about balance. You must find this balance while at the same time NOT losing yourself and becoming a martyr.

Your answers tell me that you are where I was….still harboring guilt and now focused on overcompensating. Now you can tell me to go pound sand but I bet in about a month of two you will realize that I am right. Balance TAMF….balance. YOU are allowed and believe it or NOT must have some personal goals.

TAMF, I will tell you what someone once told me….and FTR, I stand by it and now agree 100%. Here goes….

I really do not give a rats ass about saving your marriage. My hope….is to help you save Yourself because once you DO….once you finally get comfy with TAMF the new TAMF….well then sweetie, you will be able to really sit back and decide…..do I stand or not? Cause you will know a few things….

1) You will know what you really need for your happiness – not based on what someone else tells you – no what you really need
2) You will come to realize that no one human being is responsible for your happiness. That is not to say that you want to be alone – no it is to say that you will really know what you want in your next R and you will get to a place where you do not settle
3) Once comfy with you…..you can really start to heal

[PEI]

There's also another really important distinction to make in this discussion. None of us are ALONE. We all have families and friends and colleagues and on-line buddies and mates. We are not alone when we don't have a partner - we are SINGLE.

There's a big difference in perception between the two words.

Absolutely. And it's why I use the word ALONE very intentionally. I do believe there is a period of time where we need to be romantically emotionally alone. Yes we have family and friends and our support groups and systems in place. But this is a time where we are not connected to a partner (or potential partner) ... this is the time where we get to know who we are. The definintion of single doesn't necessarily encompass this in my mind, it can include dating or even our emotional attachement to our exS.

TAMF,

Your friend is very wise. I'd print her email and keep it under your pillow too

(((hugs)))
Peace
PEI

[TAMF]

update:

I am so very proud of myself. I faced a fear head on last night with a big smile on my face.

Last night I was texting H back and forth about the Ds going to swim team practice. He had told me he would take them and he was texting me that D13 was telling him that she didn't want to go. I was driving at the time down Main Street and I don't text while driving, I am passing the bar the the OW works at and his truck is in the parking lot. I pulled in, parked, got out and walked into the bar. I was walking across the bar with a big confident smile on my face. My H had a suprised look, but not a panic look. The OW was not bartending, it was her best friend who has emailed me some really mean things in the past and is the one who constantly tags my H and the OW in photos on FB. THE LOOK ON HER FACE WAS PRICELESS!!!

I looked good, just came from work so I was dressed very professionally. I walked right over to my H and said that I was driving by noticed his truck and thought I would just talk to him in person about the girls. He said it was no problem, he would leave and go take them. He was sitting with a friend that I know and we chit-chatted for a moment. My H asked me if I wanted a drink, I said no - I just wanted to stop in quick and talk to him in person. Said good-bye with the same smile on my face and walked out.

The OW wasn't there....but it doesn't matter! I didn't know she wasn't going to be there and I wouldn't have done anything differently had she been there. I didn't care anymore, I wasn't angry, I was totally confident. I am an adult. I know I am a better human being than she is. But it doesn't matter - I faced a fear of meeting her. Faced the fear of "what would I do if I met her".

Now I know, and I just don't care about her and him together. I am finding my peace...I know I don't have it yet, but I am getting closer.