For some reason I am sitting here at home thinking about the day I proposed to my W. The gleam in her eye the huge bright smile on her face. I don't know why I torture myself.
I know she got the papers today I figured she would call or text but nothing. Anyways figured I would journal a little bit the house seems extra lonely tonight. This is terrible..........
I am truly sorry that I have hurt you this way. But this is something I feel I have to do. And no I did not ask a lot of people and nobody has told me what to do, I have a mind of my own, and this was my decision.
Why would she say this? Someone else?
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This is private, and not something I am proud of. I do love you, however I thought that would be enough, and it isn't. I cannot continue living this way, feeling as though I am not needed, respected, appreciated, or listened to. It hurts me deeply. This is very difficult for me. It is not easy. I am alone, scared, and broken. But I feel it is best for the both of us. I just want to go home. I am not angry with you, I am hurt...but mostly I am just numb. I have gotten to the point that I have no energy, no emotion ...and that is not me. You say you haven’t changed...well that's part of the problem, I have and I have too much that I have lost myself. And it’s not fair. You feel as though I'm giving up, and I feel I have tried so hard I'm empty, I have nothing left. That I can't make it work all by myself.
Damage control she wants this to go easy.
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You have proven to me time and time again, that I am not priority to you, and that you are unable to listen to me. It breaks my heart...I have never asked you for anything, never demanded anything, all I ever ask for was for you to listen, respect me, and have some understanding and compassion.
Ok how much of this is true?
I am still reading more to come....
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Her Mom is disabled and until we moved to Jersey she was the primary care taker. When she left her and moved the sister has assumed that role. Mother and sister would give her constant guilt trips all the time about this until one day W told them that if they were going to call only to convince her to leave me then they should probably stop calling. Also her closest friend here was cheerleading the separation. I read the emails before my W left. She knew that I knew about the mother and sister and that is why she made that comment. Letting me know that it was not her mother or sister it was her decision.
On the second point I agree. She practically ran out of the house. Initially she was going to leave in November but the tension got pretty bad in the house because I was pissed and felt betrayed and angry and she decided to leave sooner.
On the third I would say that everything I tried to do was to make her happy but I came up short towards the last 4-5 months. My wife is the total opposite of me when it comes to temper. She is the one who never rocks the boat, quick with a smile and a kind word she avoids confrontation at all cost. I on the other hand don't mind it too much. Not necessarily with her but I am not a push over. When I feel I am right I don't back down easily I will argue till I am dead unless you prove me wrong then I am quick to say "OK I am wrong. You win" The last few months she began to take on my personality and became very combative and things began to escalate quickly. With my mother living with me she felt as if everyone in the house came before her. Like I no longer respected her.
A few weeks before she "planned her escape" she came to me and said "I think your mom needs to stay somewhere else for awhile" We had just argued and I said "No. You can't make me chose between you and my mother that is unfair" She simply said "OK" not another word was said. At that moment I think she made her decision.
It's hard when you can actually go back and pinpoint the turning point in this whole thing.
By this time I was sick of the arguing and the constant back and forth and actually felt peace when she left, but that lasted just a few short weeks. Once I figured out what she was saying, well you know how it went...........
This is why she says I practically pushed her out the door.
Thanks Truegritter I really do appraciate your feedback.
I did criticize quite a bit I think. About her being to hard on D about her complaining about things I thought were small and not important. About a lot!
I suppose some things were legit and some were not.
2step, First, let me say this. The night you proposed to your W was a wonderful, magical evening. It is OK to let it live on in your heart. Don't feel ashamed of thinking about this. But also consider this. If you have ever researched the stages of grief, you will recognize that you are probably in "anger" right now with a touch of "bargaining." None the less, don't feel bad about your memories. They are special and don't ever lose them. But, you might want to "put them away somewhere" for now. Although they are beautiful, they are not helpful right now. Change the "video" playing in your head and your environment as soon as possible if you can. Get on here, surf the net for new things you would like to buy, call a friend. But, please don't sit there alone watching that "video" over and over. It is not good for you.
As for your disappointment of no contact today, I have some thoughts on that also. I know my MC came of like a US Marine Corp Drill Instructor today, but he is very good at what he does. He has already talked with me about the issue you are dealing with right now and it can be harmful to your mental well-being. As humans, we have a bad habit of doing things with expectations. Although you did a great job of taking control by sending those papers back, which I applaud you again for your strength, you may have done it with "expectations" attached. You sent them and then expected a response. It is hard, but you need to stop trying to do this. Look, I do it to and it is a hard habit to break. But it is not good for you. My MC is right. Don't interact with her with "expectations" attached. When you do this, you put unnecessary pressure on the situation and on yourself. You can't control her actions. So, if you do something with "expectations" attached and your expectations are not met, you are disappointed and begin to grieve. I hope that makes sense.
Instead, do this. Sign the papers, mail them and expect nothing. I know, I know, easier said than done. But, give it a try. For weeks, I would call my W and then get pissed when she wouldn't call back. I was carrying out an action with "expectations" attached. So, when she wouldn't call back for whatever reason (spite, just didn't get the call, etc.), I would get all upset and my mind would start cooking up all kinds of crap that wasn't actually happening.
Next time, just do something for you and try not to attach any expectations. Just do it and then try to let it go. You will find that over time this gets easier to do. Now, you will revert from time to time. I still do it myself. But give it a try. You might find some really pleasant results.
Just a little something to consider that might help you, buddy.
Keep pushing. Keep working. Keep DB'ing. Yes, the geographical distance between you and your W is going to be an issue that some of us on here don't have to face. But, just consider it another thing you are going to crush with your efforts.
With time, the oyster always turns the grain of sand to a pearl... Kick that sand's *ss the best you can!!
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
2step, You are doing a lot better than you think you are. It is very easy to continue to beat yourself up over and over again, but all that does is keep you in the same spot. You need to move forward, progress with healing. FOBD has great insight and listen to what he speaks. Especially about expectations. I find myself doing it, we all do, but it sure is a good way to lessen the pain. Don't have any.
There is one thing that I notice from your thread, which I just read completely. Your conversations with your W when you stay away from R talk are light, she opens up to you she talks about herself and her day. When I talk to my wife, it is simply about logistics, mostly about my kids. I couldn't get her to open up to me and talk about anything. I ask her about any subject, and if I even get 2 words from her, I feel blessed. The fact that she engages in those types of conversations with you is a very positive sign.
Keep it up. You are doing great!
B.I.T.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Yes your right about that but it is so hard to talk about her work and to hear her talking about her future plans none of which include me. On Jan 5th we were talking about the M and she cried on the phone for about an hour then she started to get mad and when she got mad is when she told me she had filed. It's so dishearting. I'm away this weekend until Sunday and although I'm doing ok I realize when I get home it will be empty.
Fobd
I know your right about expectations but your wife and mine so similar and when you are dealing with a good woman like that and you are able to see your mistakes it hurts so much more.
Just checking in guys. Away for the weekend so all my post come from my phone. Feeling kind of lonely all day even though I've been busy all day. So much pain I'm fighting off the feeling of anger more often now. I don't deserve this!
