Having problems posting tonight FOBD. My posts are not showing up. Try to catch you this weekend.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Oops, forgot one thing. The B.I.T.S. team is right and I will abide by your instructions. I am not going to do the thing about reminding her about this being her last visit. After listening to you guys, I realize that is counter-productive and will really serve no purpose other than me being caddy. She has probably already come to this conclusion and pointing out to her will only seem vindictive. Not to mention, I spent last weekend taking every picture of us down throughout the house. There is not one photo of her anywhere in the house. I boxed all the wedding photos and put them in the closet. I think that will plenty enough shock for her for one day.
So, instead of my original plan, I am going to do this. I am going to hug her and say, "Well, you know where I am if you need anything. Please don't hesitate to ask. I still care about your well-being and I don't want to see you go without to the point that it might cause you any kind of pain. I hope you can find happiness and piece of mind in your new place." Then I will see her off.
I like this plan much better.
B.I.T.S.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I like that approach much better also. Remember this whole thing is a chess game the goal is to slowly and methodically make your moves. Anytime you slip you actually give the opponent (W) the upper hand. At least that is how I've been looking at it. If I don't, I am going to go insane. If she takes this thing all the way I will smile all the way there even though inside I will be dying.
Something my W always did very well was always giving the impression everything was great, to friends, family and anyone. She use to always say "I am mad as hell but I am not going to let them know that." Well she is using that same technique with me now. She is giving the impression everything is alright and relishing in the fact that I am hurting because she can sit and say “I was a good wife and you were not a good husband to me. I am justified. Now you see I was right all along, you should of done a better job of taking care of me. Well if I change my tactic and pretend life is great she might think “I can’t believe he is over me and he is happy.” The risk I run with this is she might think I never cared to begin with but I think I have made an A$$ out of myself plenty to assure her that I have been in pieces. Time to change the rules a little bit; by the way I am feeling pretty down tonight don’t know what happened just hit me out of nowhere.
Well, we go on an on here about how our WAS's think they have it all figured out. I guess I thought I did too and I got a shock today. I had my weekly appt with my MC this morning. I told him all about my latest interactions with my W. He still contends that some of her behavior is a bit odd and puts forth the notion that she might not have a firm grip on reality right now.
Anyway, I told him about my weekend and how I was planning to let her come over on Saturday for the kitchen stuff and on Sunday for the furniture. He really got on me. Here is how the conversation went:
MC: Couldn't you have carried all this out in one day? Whose idea was it to have her spend two days doing all this?
Me: Hers.
MC: Are you happy with this arrangement?
Me: I guess. I didn't really give it much thought. I am trying to be "cool" to her right now.
MC: Are you planning on being there on Saturday and Sunday for all of this?
ME: Yes.
MC: Bad idea. You are letting her go back to having all the control here. I don't like this.
ME: How so? I have stood my ground on many occasions. She knows I mean business.
MC: Really, then why didn't you condense this to one day? This doesn't require two visits. Are you agreeing to this because you really want to spend time with her?
ME: Probably. I haven't seen her in weeks. I miss her. Plus, I want to make sure she doesn't run off with things that I want.
MC: OK, well how about this plan instead. Tomorrow morning, call her, tell her that she can come over for one hour. During that hour, she can have free reign of the house. She is to place any item she wants on the kitchen table or floor. You, by the way, will leave the house unlocked and you will leave a few minutes before she gets there. Tell her when she is finished piling the stuff up in the kitchen, she is to leave and lock the house behind her. You then return, decide what you are willing to let her have, box it up and when she returns on Sunday morning, hand her the box or boxes. I don't recommend any face-to-face interactions. I think this is not what you need right now.
ME: This seems a bit rude.
MC: No, it is not. You are not telling her she can't have anything. But, you are also telling her you will not stand there while she picks over the carcass of your marriage.
ME: But, but...
MC: But what, (name)? You are agreeing to this because you think she misses you right? You want her to come over and spend time with you, right?
ME: Yes.
MC: Who wins at the end of this, (name)?
ME: I don't know.
MC: She does, (name). She does. And this is how. OK, so you say she is showing signs of missing you, right? You say you suspect that she is dragging this out to two visits because she wants to be around you, correct? Apparently she doesn't miss you that much as she now has a new place, wants furniture, money from you for what you are going to keep and is showing up with movers on Sunday. Doesn't sound like to me she really misses you that much does it? If she really missed you why hasn't she brought up your M or any possibility of a reconciliation? (Name), you are setting your self up for a dangerous situation.
Yes, there is a good chance she does miss you, but not in the way you would like. She is "jones'ing" like a drug addict for you, not missing you. You are a drug she took for years and that drug made her happy. She can't get that drug right now, so she butters you up, comes over hangs out for two days, gets her fix and then leaves again and you will be devastated. This is really all about her, (name). She will come over, take stuff to furnish her new kitchen in her new life, get a huge check from you for her 1/2 of the stuff you kept, a quick "pick me up" of (name) drug to calm her nerves and she will walk out happy as a lark. Not once in all this will she have to face what she has done or the damage she has inflicted on you.
You, on the other hand, will have lost 1/2 your kitchen, a substantial amount of money and will end up missing her more than ever even though the feelings are not mutual. You lose, (name). You lose badly. (Name), when are you going to start making her face what she has done? Yes, I know you took her house keys, her wedding ring, demanded money from her for bills, etc. But I mean really start to make her face what she has done? More importantly, (name), by God, when are you really going to start putting yourself first?
B.I.T.S., I was floored. I had no response. I sat there completely quiet and couldn't think of a thing to say other than, "Well, some of my friends on a forum I joined agree with you." That was all I could muster up.
She is going to be here in the morning and I am not sure what to do. I want to see her sooooooooo freakin' bad, but he is right. I am not sure if the feelings are mutual. What if all she really wants is the kitchen stuff? He went on:
MC: (name), are you prepared for next week?
Me: What do you mean?
MC: You do realize that when she walks out of your house on Sunday, she will no longer need you. She will have furnished her new place, lined her pocket book, and will be set for the foreseeable future. You do realize that she may never call you again? You do realize all that will be left will be to file for the D? You will spend the entire weekend on "cloud 9" b/c you got to be with her and you have to face the fact that you may never see her again. She could get a L on Monday, and never have to face you again. Then you will back here in my office a wreck again. You had better get your head straight, my friend. Stop feeding her madness and get your act together. Start thinking about you. It is clear that her timing is not accidental. After weeks of ignoring you, she now suddenly wants to be your friend. Coincidentally, the same time that she needs furniture and access to the house. What makes you think you will hear from her again after Sunday?
Once again, I was floored...
Help, B.I.T.S.????
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Man all I have to say is how do I get a hold of that MC! I think he is right on the money to tell you the truth. Is he out of San Antonio TX by any chance?
I mean let's face it all of us here are hurting and a phone call or a visit from your W will make us happy sometimes it last a few days sometimes it last a few hours. At the end of it all they control when they call they control when they visit and they control your mood. I think what this guy is saying is take control and put her in the position you've been in. Let her hurt and let her be surprised.
I can't say I disagree with this guy you can do this and be polite and friendly. Honestly I like his style. Anybody else have something different?
1) Whatever you decide to do this weekend, we WILL be here for you even if it is to pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
2) Not sure I agree with the MC, but heck, I'm here and he's not. But here's my problem with this, it will be escalating an already bad situation. I really subscribe to the theory that we want to be a light in the fog. I really think that we want to do what we can to stabilize the situation rather than escalate it.
3) I agree with him that you are going to be hurting after this. No doubt. I do not agree that you gave her control because you made the list after she handed you the original one. You made the decisions.
4) I do agree about the money. I don't think that you should be giving her a dime, but what do I know? I'm not there, I don't know the specifics and it's pretty easy for me to make a judgment without all the info. But I wouldn't give her a dime.
5) She could get a L on Monday if you escalate the situation. Look over the threads, FOBD. Time after time, we see S's are filing right after one of us decided to escalate.
6) You are going to be back in his office regardless.
7) You absolutely need to exhibit control. You need to try not to let your emotions beat you this weekend. I agree that you need to keep the time interactions involved with moving out to a minimum. Do NOT let her drag this out. I believe someone should be there with you. But, I still believe you are doing the right thing at the end of the day.
I wish I didn't disagree so much. And I know that others will not agree with me. The LAST thing I want to do is screw with your head and confuse you more. It's the worst place to be.
Whatever you decide to do, there are people here who care and will be here. Period.
I would have to agree with the MC. this week end could be very bad for you. Think really hard about what happens next! That is just MHO. Sometimes we just have to listen to our heads instead of our hearts.
Hope you make the very best choice for you and nobody else.
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
FOBD-- I'm sorry you are in this situation. Your MC is trying to help, but s/he does NOT have the best interest of your marriage at stake--at least with this last piece of advice.
Step back a minute and decide what YOU really want from this situation. And then act according to your goals, not the fear your counselor is instilling (although well-meaning).
