Need advice please!!! Not sure on next move?

[FellOnBlackDays]

Dixie,
No, you are definitely the only one to dream about the good times. I have done it too. I have dreams where her and I are together again and when I wake up, I just want to die. It is OK. It is all part of the process. I wish I had some cool advice to give you on how to deal with it, but I have none. Sorry about that.

I do want you to focus on something Hope said:

"Something else you need think about... he HAS to smile in front of everyone, he HAS to pretend to be happy.... otherwise he looks like an idiot for walking out. If he walks around looking sad or upset or angry, family and friends will tell him he's messed up, to get help, to go back home to his wife and stop messing up his life. He's trying to prove to the world he's not wrong."

That is some really good advice and logic. He has to look happy or he is a fool of his own doing. He convinced himself that leaving you would make him happy. If he lets on to others that he is not happy, he will appear silly. That smile is fake. With a WAS, many of the "good times" are fake. It keeps them from realizing that they don't have all the answers. It shelters them from the hurt they have caused. It allows them to hide from the fact that they have hurt their spouse dearly. But they can't hide forever...

Keep posting! Let us be here for you. Hang in there!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[dixiegal]

Thanks yall. @ Hope, Ive thought about it...but, my Lab passed away 2 yrs ago. It about killed me. H wanted a Dog for his BDay. It was real hard but, we got our dog a GREAT DANE a year ago. So, of course I love her and her me. Maybe Ill get a fish or something. LOL But, its just to hard right now...

Since, I cant eat or sleep I have lost a lot in one month. 22 pounds! I decided to start walking everyday that will help.

Just praying and keeping the faith.....

[dbmod]

22lbs in one month?

[FellOnBlackDays]

Dixie,
Please be careful. That is quite a bit of weight for one month. Have you spoken to a doctor about this? I don't want to push the panic button, but as your forum buddy and a guy that works in the medical field, this is a concern for me. I lost 12 lbs after my wife left, but that took over a month to do and I was able to put it all back on in about six weeks of working out in the gym. Please, please be careful with your health. Remember, skipping meals makes your body and brain cranky. Skipping meals will cause you to feel worse. Please make sure to eat. My mother is the best. I am truly blessed to have her. For the first couple of weeks after my wife left, my mother would show up every couple of days with a home-cooked meal all stored in single serving containers that could be microwaved or put in the freezer. Her cooking saved my life, so to speak. Please, please take care of yourself, OK?

The next time you post, I want to hear about how you have polished off an entire plate of some sort of protein with a huge side of fresh vegetables. Broccoli is very good for stress.

Keep posting!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[Lost Rabbit]

Ok sorta caught up apolagies for a bit of scan reading!

Sweet girl, go take a good long look in the mirror...

Your H is taking the right royal piddle and you are facilitating him doing it every day.. Hes turned you into his friend whilst he plays at being a teenager again. Your own fear of doing things wrong has kept you at his beck and call.

Time for the worm to turn I do believe. Mr Bond and a few others have elluded to what you must do but you have to take a stronger hold and make a plan of action. Its your turn to make your H jump to your tune a little, ok its sounds horribly scary but believe me after the first few tries it will become fun.. and if its not and and Mr DG doesnt take the bait then truly I think its time for you to think about your future and what you want..

I did exactly the same as you when Mr Rabbit went, we had gone to councelling and she pratically like yours gave him a ticket to leave.. at first I fell apart, panicked got myself in a right old begging, panicking woe is me end of the world state.. then I found DB and the rest is history!

Ok lets go back to scratch.. I'll add stuff here but I need you tell me more about what M was like before he left.. who made the decisions, what characters you both have etc..

First job for you that mirror!

What do you see?

Ok youve lost quite a few pounds but have you bought some new clothes?
Does your hair need doing?
When did you last get a manicure/pedicure?
Now you have lost the weight do you need to get some areas toned up?


Secondly

What do you do for you?
What do you enjoy?
Did you give anything up for H?

The reason I ask is because atm if Im correct some of those things need doing, because you are spending too long still waiting for your H to contact and come home!


Now this might seem all a bit tough talking, but honey you have to seriously reclaim you back and start moving forward.

Other things:

Have you read about doing the 180's
What detaching have you managed to do?

Now you might wonder where this all going so I have attached my thread to read below:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...833#Post1827833

I have been with my H for over thirty years so you can imagine the wrench of suddenly having the love of my life suddenly walk out. It can be done turning yourself around, you just to identify things that you think need changing or you could do better at and we will find a way to make it a positive.. There is one big key thing here though, you are doing all of this for YOU! If you H finds it attractive and comes back its a bonus if not you are one georgous looking lady looking for a new love with a complete package of loveliness to offer!

And thats where I will leave it for now, if you have trouble sleeping tonight read my thread that will do the trick lol!

Take care and as the loreal advert often says keep reminding yourself you are so "WORTH IT"

(())

Rabbit

[dixiegal]

Thanks FOBD for your concern. I have not lost the weight correctly for sure. I'll be honest, there are days that I do not eat at all. But, I'm getting better. I did eat yesterday 3 meals! Yes, chicken and veggies too! In my normal state I love to cook. So, I'm forcing myself. But, its hard I just have no desire to eat. But, I promise I will keep trying.

I also take these crazy long walks, I don't even realize I have walked MILES! I just get home and realize I've been gone for hours!

@ Rabbit, your right about it all. I know this..but, its so hard to let go. I'm doing it, I have no other option. But, ita so hard to keep my emotions in check. I'm trying to be the rock star I usually am at work. But, I cant keep my focus...so, I tell myself...this is all ya got...come on!

Like many others, I'm so close to it all. That I can't seem to make the right decisions when he does text or call or whatever. I'm the strong one in life. I'm the one that folks lean on....but, I'm just totally knocked down! I'm trying to get back up, regain myself, my love for life, my dedication to the LORD.

So, please yall keep it coming...I need to know that folks are out there that feel what I do. That I'm not alone...cause, thats the hardest part. The ALONE part...

I'm praying for us all...peace and comfort!

[sgctxok]

Hi dixie,

You've been getting some really good advice, except about laying down some law, and I 'partially' agree there. You do want to create a sense of that because you want to create this sense of self, but you do NOT want to say those words.

Example--I really like the no electronic contact. But you don't say "I will only accept..."; you just don't respond to the electronic, and you don't give an explanation, and if you're pressed and you really feel you have to, just be vague about it (Oh, I don't ever pay attention to that anymore, or Oh, I was busy).

My daughter went through anorexia, and your fast weight loss concerns me. I imagine it is possible for a woman to lose that much weight so quickly in a healthy way, but it isn't the norm, even when you're trying.

I'm glad you are close to God, do you have a church or women's group that you belong to?

You mention you're a 'rock star' at work, and that's good, that this isn't taking a toll on you there.

Take really good care of yourself, the folks here are giving you good advice.

[rysmom]

hi dixie
i understand your pain. i have been going through this for 4 yrs. my h is living with ow now. we were m 22yr., and have a 17 yr old son. i too have a chocolate lab and she's my life saver.You should get another lab they are great companions, mine follows me everywhere.
God bless you i will say a prayer for you.

[dixiegal]

Thank you sgctxok! Thank you for your sweet concern...I had a close friend who went through Anorexia. So, I understand. I'm trying to not let myself get in that frame of mind. I understand that it starts when you feel your life is out of control. So, you control your food.....is where it starts.

I like your suggestion about the text response. I like the "Oh I was busy". H will text sometime in the next few days cause he will want to pick up the Dog. I though will ignore his text. He will then have to call because he will want to pick her up and such.

Work is slipping a bit tho. One close friend at work asked yesterday, if I was okay after a meeting. Said, I was very removed...UGH! Its just real hard to be that focused on work right now. But, I'm trying I cant slip there...that comment scared me to death! So, I got to just fake it at work no matter what! ya know

SG, have you read my stich? Any other advice you could offer???

Thanks again and God Bless you for offering me such kind words!

I do belong to an amazing church and choir. But, need some activites to keep be busy and from being alone. Im alone too much and thats when I get really down....

So, I've reached out to one person at Church..(nobody knows there) She is meeting me next week to visit about this and I also reached out to a Bible study group that is for Married/Seperated/In Trouble. Im gonna attend Sunday before Choir.

[rysmom]

h and i were together 32yrs. It is heartbreaking. I have lost 6 pds in the last 2 wks. I feel better mentally when i fast, thats why i do it. but the bones in my arms hurt, i think from not enough calcium so i try to make protein shakes with different fruits like bananas, and blueberries.